Surrender, Diane

We never really do it once. Though, when I was younger in recovery I so wanted that to be true, and I hung on every word of the old-timers who said they took the Third Step once and from then on it was all…

Well, it was all what? Many of those old timers were smoking and overeating and grouchy. But not all. There were also those people in AA and in Alanon who did have some kind of continual peace or perspective that left them more or less sane. I still want that.

I raised my hand today in my home group and asked for the topic of “Real Surrender” by which I mean the kind that comes from deep, deep down. Often that’s the kind that comes when I body slam into the wall of my own insistence and control. Over the years it has helped me to remind myself, “Surrender when you see the wall coming.” We do not always have to hit the wall first.

I’m feeling it now cause I’m heading out for a week of writing. Insecure writing. Shaky writing. Writing I care deeply about. Writing that has my heart all tied up in it. And yes, writing for which I have a certain outcome in mind. Ugh. Let go, let go, let go. But still.

So here’s my practice and it comes from Julia Cameron --who is no relation except in the ancient Celtic underground—She says in her wonderful classic, “The Artist’s Way”: “You take care of the quantity and God will take care of the quality.” And then, though she doesn’t actually say it, “That’s that.”

Are You Impressed?

Readers, a question: Have you ever heard—inside yourself—that little voice that narrates your daily life? I’m not always aware of mine but over the past week I’ve been able to hear it more and it’s getting my attention.

I’m not talking about the still, small voice of wisdom or the intuitive rumble somewhere between your solar plexus and belly…but more of a head (or head trip) voice that is coaching from the sidelines in a less than helpful way.

OK, let me step way out here on the end of the vulnerability diving board (Thanks Brene) and tell you that this little persistent voice of mine offers a pretty consistent commentary on what “they” think or worse, might, think of me. Sort of like this, “Well, when they see this, she’ll think that..” OR “If you have that (bag, book, dress, degree, credit …) he’ll see that….”.

The thing is that it’s a really soft but persistent voice…maybe cultural, maybe familial, maybe psychotic. Not really sure. What I am clear on though is that it’s consistency makes it hard to hear though its very subliminal nature makes it a powerful influence.

Now here is the counter-intuitive part: We are often told to get more quiet to hear our inner voice and I think that applies to the inner wisdom “still small voice” but this more active but low-toned nag (and it is a kind of nag) is heard best when I am busy—probably because that is when I am most worried and distracted. And its arsenal is distraction. In the same strange way I’m sure its intention is some kind of help. I do think that our character defects or quirks are all trying to help us in some way but this one grabs any form of insecurity and pumps it up.

So I’m trying to listen in more and see what this “are they impressed?” voice is all about. This is part of me—likely a strategy of a younger me—something to soothe the girl that felt so terribly, dangerously invisible years ago—but now? At 60? Really, who is it exactly that I want to see me?

And the spiritual remedy for this? Believing that a Higher Power really does see and care.

Change Your Langauge Change Your Life

You have heard that words are powerful. You've read about the "secret" which really wasn't such a big a secret having been taught for a billion years by Norman Vincent Peale and Dale Carnegie, but it doesn't hurt to have reminders.

I'm just now reading a book that has those powerful reminders about language and a spiritual perspective on how language is used to create reality. The book is called, "Supreme Influence: Change Your Life with the Power of Language." The author is Niurka, yes that's her whole name. (She should have just added Jones after that I think.) But the important thing is that she's smart and she has an important message--especially for women.

One of the gems in this book is Niurka's "Eight-Step Formula for Dynamic Presentations." I do a lot of public speaking and her two page outline is one of the best--and most motivating--that I have seen. I copied it for my motivation file--what I turn to when I need a cupful of courage.

This is a brand new book so keep an eye out for interviews and articles about Supreme Influence.

The One Area Where Women are Beating Men

Today is International Women's Day and typically we celebrate the advances of women and more typically those advances are illustrated by comparison to men's achievements and accomplishments. In the recovery community we can, in fact, celebrate that a higher percentage of women are becoming part of recovery. But in a post on The Fix I learned today that women are way ahead of men in abusing one substance category: tranquilizers and hypnotics.

No, we wouldn't want to celebrate more women abusing alcohol or misusing other drugs but there is something so sad about women winning the race in this category of drug abuse. Tranquilizers and hypnotics (think Ambien) are drugs that shut you down, turn you off and numb you.

Betty Friedan, where are you?

Take a look at the link below to read more about this sad "achievement":

Addiction's Shrinking Gender Gap | The Fix

Maybe We Should Regret the Past

One of the Promises from the book, “Alcoholics Anonymous” says, “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” Yet we hear people with good recovery sometimes admit that they still have regrets. Is that flawed recovery or is that good mental health?

We talk both in and outside of recovery rooms about not having regrets and suggest that it’s a good thing.  What I think we mean by that is that we don’t want to be stuck in or shamed by our past. But if we have been around a while we all have some “stuff”—things we did and people we hurt.  They may be things from before our recovery began, though for many of is they are also things that happened over the years of our long recovery. We are not saints.

We often think of our regrets as mistakes but they are not quite that.  Living without regrets isn’t possible. And maybe it isn’t even desirable.

A new book, “Missing Out—In Praise of the Unlived Life” by psychoanalyst Adam Phillips presents this very provocative idea: We need regrets to shape our best lives. Phillips suggests that the regrets that we hold represent the options we didn’t choose and they are the mechanism that let us see the life we did choose.

This makes sense when I read the daily news. Life changes in a split second. We understood this after the World Trade Towers were attacked and again with the Indonesian tsunami. On a smaller scale we feel it any time we read about a terrible accident or a fire.

A couple of years ago my life had to change. Someone asked me, “But what about your career?” and I answered, being flip but surprising myself with the truth, “I don’t have a career, I have a life.”

That insight had been incubating over time. When my brother Larry was just weeks from death and we finally, awkwardly got around to talking about that reality, I took a deep breath and asked, “Are you afraid to die?” There was a long silence. Then he said quietly, “Di, all I ever did was work.”

I love my work too. But the day that I see the water receding too fast at the beach or hear the terrible screech of tires, or notice the cough that won’t quit I want to be more or less OK with my choices and with my regrets.

 If we live a conscious and examined life we should die with at least a few regrets. The goal isn’t to have no regrets; it’s to be fully aware of them and what they represent.

Go Toward the Thing That Scares You

Yesterday I had the opportunity –yes, another growth opportunity--to practice the idea of going toward what troubles you. This is a lesson I seem to learn, forget, learn again and forget again over and over in my recovery: When someone scares you go toward them. Lean into the uncomfortable experience.

I’ve used this lesson in the workplace many times. The coworker that I “hate”, the boss that scares me, the volunteer I wish would disappear. At first I try to avoid them, hide, and limit exposure to these folks— all the while building a case in my head and sharing my brilliance with anyone who will listen to my certain rightness.

But if the feelings persist I finally remember that my work is not to stand back from these people but rather to lean into them and go toward what troubles me.

Last night I almost skipped an event because I didn’t want to be around a woman who bugs me—her demeanor stirs my blood in unattractive ways. But luckily a recovery friend said, “No I think you should go to the party and go right up to her and see what happens.”

And I did. Not happily. Not comfortably. But with some prayers and with the mantra, “Go toward her”. And in the course of the evening I saw a fuller picture and got a deeper sense of the issues underneath. (Mine certainly and maybe even hers.)

No, she is not my new friend. And no, I don’t suddenly like her. But today I am not obsessing about or worrying over this woman. That in itself is a relief.

Relief and peace, because I leaned in, and I went toward what scared me.

Movie: Bill W. in Albany, New York

Albany and Capital Region Folks:

The major motion picture: Bill W.--a documentary about The Co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous will be shown at the Spectrum Theater on Thursday March 14th at 7pm. This film has received rave reviews from the Washington Post, San Fran Chronicle, LA Times and more.

and it has a wonderful soundtrack which includes the Bach Cello suites performed by Yo Yo Ma.

Please forward this to your Capital Region Twelve Step friends and lets pack the place and then go out for coffee!