Are You Impressed?

Readers, a question: Have you ever heard—inside yourself—that little voice that narrates your daily life? I’m not always aware of mine but over the past week I’ve been able to hear it more and it’s getting my attention.

I’m not talking about the still, small voice of wisdom or the intuitive rumble somewhere between your solar plexus and belly…but more of a head (or head trip) voice that is coaching from the sidelines in a less than helpful way.

OK, let me step way out here on the end of the vulnerability diving board (Thanks Brene) and tell you that this little persistent voice of mine offers a pretty consistent commentary on what “they” think or worse, might, think of me. Sort of like this, “Well, when they see this, she’ll think that..” OR “If you have that (bag, book, dress, degree, credit …) he’ll see that….”.

The thing is that it’s a really soft but persistent voice…maybe cultural, maybe familial, maybe psychotic. Not really sure. What I am clear on though is that it’s consistency makes it hard to hear though its very subliminal nature makes it a powerful influence.

Now here is the counter-intuitive part: We are often told to get more quiet to hear our inner voice and I think that applies to the inner wisdom “still small voice” but this more active but low-toned nag (and it is a kind of nag) is heard best when I am busy—probably because that is when I am most worried and distracted. And its arsenal is distraction. In the same strange way I’m sure its intention is some kind of help. I do think that our character defects or quirks are all trying to help us in some way but this one grabs any form of insecurity and pumps it up.

So I’m trying to listen in more and see what this “are they impressed?” voice is all about. This is part of me—likely a strategy of a younger me—something to soothe the girl that felt so terribly, dangerously invisible years ago—but now? At 60? Really, who is it exactly that I want to see me?

And the spiritual remedy for this? Believing that a Higher Power really does see and care.

Two roads diverged...

And you will hear a voice behind you saying, “This is the path. Walk ye in it.”


---------Isaiah 30:21 The King James Bible

Trust Your Gut

I had to make a work decision yesterday that came from pure gut. I wish I could say, “And then I felt great relief and knew I had made the right decision”. But it was not that. It was the nagging sense that going in a certain direction was not good. It was also the memory of another time that I did not listen to that small voice that said, “Wait.”

In the self-help, best-seller version of this story I should be getting a call that clarifies the wisdom of my decision. Or I should see a sign from God on my way to work today. Or the call offering me the perfect job should come later today. But alas, no.

Years ago I heard a speaker say, “If it’s not a YES!!!!, then it’s a no.”

That is my only consolation today.

Ted Shawn Modern Dance

Mark Nepo, poet and teacher, told this story at a writing retreat:

A man was in Divinity School when he was diagnosed with polio. He had this idea –an intuition--that if he moved more it would help him with his polio. He decided to learn how to dance. He took some classes and slowly began to integrate dance into his life. He danced every day. Through dance he cured himself of polio. Ted Shawn left Divinity School to dance and to choreograph. He became the “father of modern dance” and he founded Jacob’s Pillow.