tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-331591092024-03-29T07:08:10.562-04:00Out of the WoodsOut of the Woods is a place for women in recovery to read--and think--about longterm recovery and a life of joyous sobriety. Enjoy weekly posts on topics related to life in and after getting sober.Dianehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14954106386693585991noreply@blogger.comBlogger1107125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-62101599403029845572021-03-22T14:03:00.001-04:002021-03-22T14:16:25.737-04:00Reading What They Read<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">When we have been in recovery a long time—(in our “Out of the Woods” years)—we have done a lot of reading. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Most likely we have worn copies of “The Big Book”, and “The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions”. We probably have also been through, “As Bill Sees It” and several daily meditation books for people in recovery.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">There are the specialty books for women and also for men. The Hazelden catalog and Central Recovery Press are favorite places to shop. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Most of us, after years of recovery, discover another addiction or two, so we probably have some Alanon books on our shelves and maybe literature from OA or ACOA. As we progress in recovery we are looking for root causes, so we look at our family and our childhood for those factors.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">And then, in the mainstream press, we find more and more self-help books and memoirs that offer us support and inspiration and compassion. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">So much good reading.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">But there is another place to turn when we want inspiration and deeper insights into addiction and recovery and -how exactly—this program works. Those are the books that the early AA’s read. Those folks who started our program and who influenced what it looks like today read many books that we don’t talk about anymore. It can be insightful and fun to read what they read.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFgrDZWebwfintoSkarP3mQsfrU5V6QBGxJUHX9574yfbU4PxpmkHGlZJAGZyv81xOjqv0vtpLAlSZcQIlRKoUpNtyqgaxvazdt-6ZiBuA4nOHtbLPLF7wVAZUeZmj67Qt3A/s499/William+James+Varieties.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="499" data-original-width="350" height="272" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFgrDZWebwfintoSkarP3mQsfrU5V6QBGxJUHX9574yfbU4PxpmkHGlZJAGZyv81xOjqv0vtpLAlSZcQIlRKoUpNtyqgaxvazdt-6ZiBuA4nOHtbLPLF7wVAZUeZmj67Qt3A/w191-h272/William+James+Varieties.jpg" width="191" /></a></div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">What we sometimes forget is that the early AA members stayed sober without any AA literature at all. Our fellowship was almost five years old before Alcoholics Anonymous (The Big Book) went to press. And it took a while for that book to reach most members of our new organization.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">So, where did their ideas come from?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Well, because The Oxford Group preceded AA—and was responsible for getting Ebby and Bill and Dr. Bob and early members sober, many of them read The Bible—(Old Testament and New Testament). Hard to imagine talking about that in a meeting today<br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">But they also read a lot of psychology. Two of the most important early reads for AA members were: “The Varieties of Religious Experience” by psychologist –and psychology great—William James, and “Modern Man in Search of a Soul” by psychologist and analyst, Carl Jung. You may recall that Carl Jung figures prominently in the earliest story and in the thinking of our founders. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiND1jGW1P8RjimcmEdUwdz4qnFxIVg5gXW4HaKi0cYBwM67_Gunn1up_egSt8ZukLlJMKe1lYa9CZ3QyshfmOLOHLFheOM1f1EhktRjtsMMWZBseK7BJZf4LhK7zX5q1Jvfg/s499/Jung+In+search+of+a+soul.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="499" data-original-width="328" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiND1jGW1P8RjimcmEdUwdz4qnFxIVg5gXW4HaKi0cYBwM67_Gunn1up_egSt8ZukLlJMKe1lYa9CZ3QyshfmOLOHLFheOM1f1EhktRjtsMMWZBseK7BJZf4LhK7zX5q1Jvfg/s320/Jung+In+search+of+a+soul.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Two other classics that were considered modern thought in those years were also passed hand to hand in the AA communities were, “Man, The Unknown” by Alexis Carrel, and “The Sermon On the Mount” by Emmett Fox. In my home group there is a women’s study group that reads Fox’s “Sermon” over and over. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">If you want to build your AA history reading and get some new inspiration give some of these older works a try. Especially William James and Carl Jung. You’ll find yourself saying, “Hey, that sounds like AA!” Because, in fact, AA sounds a lot like them. </div><div><br /></div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Diane Cameronhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704150070795762691noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-33258242642332849132021-03-08T17:17:00.011-05:002021-03-08T17:22:56.939-05:00Getting Your Buttons Pushed<p><span style="font-size: medium;">You know what it’s like to get your buttons pushed. No matter how long we are in recovery we can get tangled up. Suddenly in a conversation or a situation we are flooded with feelings that come from a past experience that is totally unrelated to the situation at hand.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">That can be annoying or embarrassing or damaging if we are not aware that the feelings in the present belong to a situation in the past. But it happens, and it is an opportunity to grow. You’ll find a rich mine of material here for steps six and seven. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">You are going along, having a perfectly nice day, then in a seemingly benign conversation—or an email or a text—suddenly you are furious, or hurt or scared. What just happened?</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">You got your buttons pushed! </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKXgi8kLMV9JIFbI6Nb9mc-G2FHwUImaUyojT0V3sOtj_P2haLSmzdFGJIUCTJoPo4buoWVVQnkZmi1V0CjW5Q_7cNNPv6y1aIb3zchf4-NJpXfmoexjFqriMXnycoAR_Mdw/s640/Buttoning+a+Child%2527s+coat.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="426" data-original-width="640" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKXgi8kLMV9JIFbI6Nb9mc-G2FHwUImaUyojT0V3sOtj_P2haLSmzdFGJIUCTJoPo4buoWVVQnkZmi1V0CjW5Q_7cNNPv6y1aIb3zchf4-NJpXfmoexjFqriMXnycoAR_Mdw/w292-h245/Buttoning+a+Child%2527s+coat.jpg" width="292" /></a></span></div><p><span style="font-size: medium;">It’s not comfortable and not fun </span><span style="font-size: large;">but with the right attitude </span><span style="font-size: large;">you can see the gift that this is. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">It is NORMAL to have this experience. The key is to watch for patterns. Is there a pattern in the type of person you spoke to? In their manner of speech? In certain words they used? In the issue you were discussing?</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Here is what I tell people in my Workplace Communication class, but it also applies in our home life and our social lives:</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>If you want to be a good communicator you need to know where YOUR buttons are.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>People can only push your buttons if YOU are not aware that they are YOUR buttons. This may be the most uncomfortable leadership skill you can acquire, but it’s ultimately more important than using the fanciest technology in your industry. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>If you don't recognize your own buttons you will always be tempted to say, "It's his fault or "It’s her fault." </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Always be willing to go back and look at your childhood experiences: </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Because that's where your buttons were installed.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">When you have an experience of having your buttons pushed you CAN do more than react or repress. You can notice your patterns. Exactly what button was that? Who else pushed that? Who pushed it earlier in your life? </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">The answers to those questions will give you a lot of insight but don’t stop there. Take that pattern—and your insight--to your sponsor, wise friend or counselor. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Sometimes our buttons get pushed at work, and that’s tricky territory. We don’t want to be unprofessional, but we can all get tripped up when a family wound shows up at work. We can forget ourselves and say or do—or believe—the wrong thing.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">In that case you may want to talk to someone you worked with at another organization. If you are still good friends with a former colleague they can be a big help to your growth and change. They will help you remember how you were in that past job, and who pushed your buttons there. Again, look for the patterns. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">You’ll want to remember the safe sharing guideline: “Share. Check. Share.” (Share a little. Check out the reaction. If you feel safe and supported, only then share a little bit more.) </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">And keep it out of the realm of gossip. Gossip, even though it might feel good in the moment, doesn’t help us to grow.</span></p><div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Diane Cameronhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704150070795762691noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-13059260894083118542020-09-24T17:38:00.000-04:002020-09-24T17:38:21.971-04:00Insecurity is My Superpower<span style="font-size: large;">Yesterday I was doing a new Daily Om Tarot class with Gina Spriggs. As part of the “clearing” process she had us write down ten of our negative beliefs. Mine went like this: I’m not enough. I’m not good enough. I am dismissed. I’m not seen. I don’t fit in. I’m a fraud. <br /><br />So defeating.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzL4lkv2mWpZD3esjV-VK9raDKpAgDodGEoGmrq09E9W9uN2wQDSBwycgK2gBPddA22rCAULPcb-wORs_ME4zk5z6XTNIhyplcy8QtlGKcaYBmxU3l7qvPU1nCUfElWVaziQ/s900/William+Merritt+Chase.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="722" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzL4lkv2mWpZD3esjV-VK9raDKpAgDodGEoGmrq09E9W9uN2wQDSBwycgK2gBPddA22rCAULPcb-wORs_ME4zk5z6XTNIhyplcy8QtlGKcaYBmxU3l7qvPU1nCUfElWVaziQ/w258-h320/William+Merritt+Chase.jpg" width="258" /></a></div><br />And especially defeating because I have been in therapy and twelve-step programs and done so many self-help courses for decades. Dam, I write self help books! <br /><br />So, I asked myself, “What is this?”<br /><br />I read that list of negative beliefs again and I thought: Those babies are strong and really powerful. Look at all that insecurity. And then it hit me:<br /><br />Insecurity is my Superpower.<br /><br />I heard it. I said it out loud, and I laughed as the deep truth of it hit me in the belly. I heard the loud CLICK! in my head. It is weirdly true and very funny.<br /><br />Insecurity is My Superpower.<br /><br />Here’s why:<br /><br />Insecurity gives me empathy. I immediately lean toward anyone who feels like they are not enough in any situation. Oh, I got you Cheryl Sandberg, I am leaning in on any actor with stage fright, and on any student who can’t find the midpoint between an A and an F, and on every manager who feels bad driving home, and on every single woman who feels like a fraud in any area of her life: work, art, motherhood etc.<br /><br />Insecurity is like an invisibility cloak. God, that was my Harry Potter envy, and I had one of my own the whole time. Insecurity lets me slide down the wall in any setting and just take a time out. Those girls who are confidant and outgoing—they can’t hide; they are just so seen all the time. Exhausting.<br /><br />Insecurity is a free pass to learn anything: No bravado, no need to pretend you know something, no need to act like you are OK. You don’t and you’re not. So I can just join the class, take the workshop, talk to the expert. I’m a blank slate. Write all over me.<br /><br />Insecurity is a tool. Fear—(it’s basically fear)—can, ironically, trigger alertness and courage. Insecurity is not something to get rid of, but to embrace. It’s a kind of fuel. Ok, maybe you get a tummy ache from it, but I also get a tummy ache from Pulled Pork Super Nachos, and I’d never stop eating them.<br /><br />Years ago I saw an interview with the great choreographer, Bob Fosse. You know his work: Pajama Game, Pippen, Chicago, Cabaret... those super stylized movements.<br /><br />The interviewer asked him about his very distinctive style and choreography, and Fosse said this: “When I started to dance I had bad posture, so I created my dances with the (now signature) rounded shoulders. And I had “bad” legs so rather than use turn-out like in ballet I turned the dancers legs inward.” </span><div><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: large;">“And,” he said, “I started to go bald at 25 so I always wore hats to dance.” Hence his incredible use of hats as props in all of his major works. <br /><br />And then he said this: “All of my gifts have come from my defects.”<br /><br />Boom!<br /><br />Read that again: “All of my gifts have come from my defects.”<br /><br />So yeah, I have been able to do so many things and go so many places because I am ultra-insecure. Hence:<br /><br />Insecurity is My Super Power.<br /><br />Wait till you see my bracelets.</span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Diane Cameronhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704150070795762691noreply@blogger.com33tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-67183710470020431432020-08-27T16:55:00.000-04:002020-08-27T16:55:10.822-04:00Humility, Recovery and Self Care<p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This week it seemed like humility showed up everywhere: in my meetings and in conversations with people in recovery. Then it also showed up in non-recovery settings: in an article about management, and in a faith community publication, and finally in a tarot exercise that I was doing with a friend.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 17px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Well, that could only mean that I needed to pay attention to humility.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEim3lT_-7DqhLzx9DbvH9T37zjhILPJaliYvCUUB8VZMxzta597F6KWwpAN9IhkAXXgLipw5OSPMQqGo-IVM_gBe29B8foe0ndgP5qEFxsw2VGzgPY_sI2GXOXg2xWm1XOyrw/s600/Pearce_Solitude.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="465" height="307" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEim3lT_-7DqhLzx9DbvH9T37zjhILPJaliYvCUUB8VZMxzta597F6KWwpAN9IhkAXXgLipw5OSPMQqGo-IVM_gBe29B8foe0ndgP5qEFxsw2VGzgPY_sI2GXOXg2xWm1XOyrw/w238-h307/Pearce_Solitude.jpg" width="238" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 17px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Luckily it’s a topic that crosses every stage of recovery. And our literature has a lot to offer. As we progress in recovery, and in our personal growth, we come to new layers of understanding of what humility means.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 17px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I remember in early recovery humility meant trying to not think about myself so much, and it was tied to uncovering the many episodes of self-centered fear. </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Then in a further stage of recovery I (mis)understood humility to mean not taking credit for anything or deflecting praise or compliments. “Oh, who me?” “Oh, this old rag?”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 17px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It took my sponsor a long time to help me see that humility was not about being less than someone else (or pretending to be). And it was not about dropping my eyes or my head when I was with others. </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Later I came to understand that that kind of false humility is actually a kind of arrogance.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 17px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Like many things in recovery, the humility pendulum swings from “I’m<span class="s1" style="color: #2b0200; font-family: Times; font-size: 10px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span> a big deal”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>to<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>“I’m just nothing.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Kind of like Goldilocks trying to find that “just right” chair.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 17px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Turns out that “just right” is humility. Humility from the word, hummus or earth: We walk on the earth not above it or below it.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 17px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So this week I did some more reading about humility starting with Step Seven in The Twelve & Twelve book. Here is what I read:</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 17px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“We saw failure and misery transformed by humility.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“Humility had brought strength out of weakness.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“Humility we discovered to be a healer of pain.”</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 17px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Accessing true humility is like the discovery of an incredible medicine. Humility is a transformational agent; it changes weakness to strength and it heals us.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 17px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Why would we not all want that?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 17px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When we don’t want it—or we fear it--it’s mainly because we misunderstand it, or we have confused humility with humiliation. But humility is freedom. It is the magic ingredient in being able to care about others <i>and</i> not care what other people think of me.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 17px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">In another reading this week I dug into “The Way of Goodness” by Richard Gula—a Sulpician priest. I learned this: “The humble witness to gratitude because they know we are more gift than achievement.” <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 17px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">He also said, “Humility is a quiet virtue.” Isn’t that nice? It reminds me of Dr. Bob who said, “Humility is perpetual quietness of the heart.” That’s one for the, “if I ever got a tattoo” list.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 17px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Gula lists these as practices that cultivate and express humility:</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 17px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">*admitting we don’t have an answer when we actually don’t.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">*accepting a compliment without making excuses.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">*acknowledging the accomplishments of another</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">*saying “no” when our plate is full.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 17px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Oh! Guilty.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 17px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">But perhaps the most challenging expression and commitment to humility is being able to love and care for ourselves.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 17px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I am ever challenged by this quote by French Philosopher, Simone Weil: “Compassion directed to oneself is Humility.”</p><div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Diane Cameronhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704150070795762691noreply@blogger.com54tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-58389390520109581942020-08-03T16:15:00.000-04:002020-08-03T16:15:15.356-04:00Hearing Voices in the Pandemic<div class="p1" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
My recovery began in Baltimore, Maryland. An over achiever,<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>I jumped into OA and AA and ACOA and then accessorized that with some Alanon as well. As you can imagine, my whole<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>life was Twelve-step focused. But it turns out that it wasn’t such a bad thing. The alternative was my former life, which was painful and confusing—for me and for people around me. So, I was so thrilled and grateful to find a new life and new people as I dove deep and immersed myself in recovery.</div>
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When I tell my story now I admit that my character defects were a powerful help when I was a newcomer. I was ambitious and competitive --and a perfectionist. When told to get a sponsor I looked for the best one and selected two. When it was recommended that I do “90 in 90” I did that for five years. </div>
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I read all the books about recovery and I read them all again. I helped to start a new meeting in Baltimore called Daybreak—it was every day at 7am. We joked that the meeting was good because we got up every day before our egos did. </div>
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I was the secretary for the Tuesday 7am Daybreak meeting for 6 years. Every Tuesday<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>I brought donuts and Danish and made sure the coffee was good. I sponsored half a dozen women, and I said yes any time I was asked to speak at other Baltimore meetings.</div>
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Yes, it was about ego, but it turns out there was a big secondary gain. </div>
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I filled my life with AA and recovery people—they became my friends, roommates, classmates, running pals, fellow dancers, and book group buddies. </div>
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I went in deep and stayed. Baltimore was my home and the home of my recovery</div>
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Over time my sponsor pried my hands off the Tuesday meeting, and convinced me that while always saying “yes” was great in early recovery, by year 7 my progress could be better measured by the number of times I said “no”. </div>
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And, surprisingly, she also said—at year 10—that maybe dating was an ok thing to do. So I did. Yes there were good dates and bad dates and good relationships and, “growth experiences.” And finally there was a man I loved who also loved me.</div>
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Just one wrinkle: He lived in Upstate New York—a place I had never heard of. But to quickly compress a very long story --I now live in Upstate New York.</div>
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I moved to Glens Falls, NY and then Greenwich, NY and then Valatie, NY and then Albany NY, which is now my home.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Then, six months ago--COVID-19 came, and quarantine came, and shelter-at-home came. Going to work at an office stopped and going to yoga stopped and for a minute AA stopped too. But with stunning speed the international AA community embraced Zoom and conference call platforms. And within days there were meetings on line and on the phone.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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A friend from Baltimore texted me one day in March and said, “There is a Daybreak meeting every morning—and it’s on the phone. Call in.” So I did, and I was back.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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I had been away from Baltimore for 25 years, but I heard the same Preamble—the opening statement that sets the guidelines for discussion. I heard a dozen people that had been sitting in folding chairs near me in the Roland Park church 25 years ago, and I heard a lot of new voices and new stories too.</div>
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Since March I have been calling Daybreak at 7am every day—Monday through Friday. And kind of like jumping rope I figured out how to jump in to share my experience, strength and hope just as I would if the meeting were in person. </div>
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I recognized the voices of my old friends and over time learned the voices of people I had never met in person but with whom I was now sharing daily fears, worries and celebrations. These new recovery friends—voices on the phone—I have not yet met in person, but I am learning and caring about their<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>kids, spouses, houses, finances and even pets. </div>
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Most of us know the same slogans, and all the steps, but each day there is a new metaphor or interpretation.</div>
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I haven’t done “90 in 90” since those early recovery years, but now I’ve been at an AA meeting every day for six months. This is a solid gold silver lining of the COVID 19 pandemic.</div>
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For more on life in long-term recovery take a look at "Out of the Woods" by Central Recovery Press:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1ZCgvdSb_ENuga3Yrlajhzpehy3pRq-EZbhy5BwG-5OQxIYdFGZj4AV8-nIAc2TUpxWT5_5aSIw9kfXWjnT8SmrJ6pnR3HwS2q_NLsPB0atmX1WFZ9uBT2sk1LsrGZtLNig/s1600/Out+of+the+Woods+Book.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="499" data-original-width="333" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1ZCgvdSb_ENuga3Yrlajhzpehy3pRq-EZbhy5BwG-5OQxIYdFGZj4AV8-nIAc2TUpxWT5_5aSIw9kfXWjnT8SmrJ6pnR3HwS2q_NLsPB0atmX1WFZ9uBT2sk1LsrGZtLNig/s200/Out+of+the+Woods+Book.jpg" width="133" /></a></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Diane Cameronhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704150070795762691noreply@blogger.com30tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-69693983595654538952020-07-23T10:18:00.001-04:002020-07-23T10:18:32.199-04:00It's Opening Day: Baseball and Your Spiritual Life<div class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
The first thing I learned about baseball is this: If you raise your hand a man will bring you food. I learned this at Forbes Field in Pittsburgh, and in my first year as a fan I spent most of the game facing the wrong way. Raise my hand, get ice cream, raise my hand, get popcorn, raise my hand, get peanuts.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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It was 1958. </div>
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Two years later I understood baseball was a game.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>On summer afternoons I’d beg my brothers to take me with them to the ball park. I was falling in love with baseball.</div>
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If baseball has taken hold of you too, you know it’s about more than your team winning.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Sports, like religion, and like AA, offers consolations: A diversion from our daily routine, heroic examples to admire and emulate and a sense of drama and conflict in which nobody dies.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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John Gregory Dunne wrote that, “Baseball is the couch on which we examine our psyches”. George Will said, “Baseball is the universe”. And catcher Wes Westrum said, “Baseball is like church, many attend but few understand.”</div>
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We have these sayings and many more because baseball is one of the greatest sources of metaphor in American life. And understanding metaphor is important because having and using metaphor is what allows us to talk about intangibles like spiritual life.</div>
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The historian, E.H. Gombrich, wrote, “<i>Every culture has its favored sources of metaphor which facilitate communication among its members. Any cultures religion is what provides the central area of metaphor.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>The Olympus or Heaven of any nation will offer language and symbols of power and compassion, of good and evil, of menace and of consolation”.</i></div>
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Americans live so far inside the institution of baseball and so deeply in its metaphors that sometimes we can’t even see it.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>You may say you’re not a sports fan, but have you ever said: “She’s always in there pitching”. “You can’t even get to first base with him.” He’s out in left field.” “She was born with two strikes against her.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>We talk baseball all day long.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Bart Giamatti, former President of Yale and former Commissioner of Baseball said, <i>“Baseball has no clock and indeed moves counterclockwise, so anxious is it to establish its own rhythms independent of clock time.”</i></div>
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Baseball is one of the few sports that remain timeless. A game can be fast or slow. In this one area of our lives the clock isn’t driving; we surrender the clock to the event.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>But there is something else in this game that asserts the primordial and the spiritual: In baseball we begin and end at home.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Home plate is not fourth base. The goal of the game is to get home and to be safe.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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That is what we want. When we come to AA people say, “I felt safe and I was at home for the first time”. Home implies safety, accessibility, freedom, comfort. Home is where we learn to be both with others and separate.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>That’s what baseball players are: individual athletes with distinct areas of responsibility but also and always a team. Kind of like a home group.</div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Diane Cameronhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704150070795762691noreply@blogger.com60tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-5473017610169580852020-07-05T17:13:00.000-04:002020-07-05T17:13:14.865-04:00Codependence Can Kill You<div class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
Codependence can kill you. Being nice can kill you. Not wanting to upset someone can kill you. And, by being a very nice person you can kill someone you love. Now more than ever.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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We know about the drunk at the party.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>We know that we should take the keys away. We know the painful awkwardness of that confrontation. But now we have another –possibly more painful—variation on “Codependence Kills.”</div>
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We are living through COVID-19</div>
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and the Coronavirus pandemic. </div>
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There are safety protocols</div>
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There are rules </div>
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But it’s been so long—since March 11<sup>th</sup> --for most of us. </div>
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And finally it’s summer and we want to go out and have parties and picnics. </div>
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All those June and July and August weddings were planned so long ago, and the deposits were paid. </div>
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All those graduation celebrations and family reunions. That’s a lot of family and friendship catching up to miss, and to ask our loved ones to miss.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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And you, like me, have friends at each point on the precautions continuum: from not leaving the house at all, to going out carefully and in masks, sanitizer at the ready, and all the way to “I’m sick of this”/It’s God’s Will/ “I’m young and healthy”/ to “This is all a big conspiracy”.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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And the people at each point on this continuum are people you like and care about.</div>
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So when you get invited to the backyard, socially-distanced dinner, or the inside the house dining room pot-luck, or the wedding in a crowded ballroom, or the picnic at the beach smashing crabs around small tables—what will you do?</div>
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Couples may say, “our practices are these” but what if spouses don’t agree? Maybe you tend to the safer, stricter side, but she says, “Oh, come on—it’s my sister, we’re safe”.</div>
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Remember years ago when we had to call the parents of our young kid’s friends and uncomfortably ask, “Are there any guns in your home?” Now<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>we need to ask our friends and relatives if they have been practicing safe COVID protocols. </div>
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And if they have been going out or traveling—did they quarantine when they crossed the state line? And how do we feel about whatever their answer is?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Example: If I am going to someone’s home can I say, “I prefer that we all wear masks” or<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>“I’m happy to sit in your backyard but not in your living room.”</div>
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Example: Everyone is going out to dinner at a restaurant that has advertised their careful COVID precautions of social distancing, and they have sanitation and plastic flatware.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-converted-space"></span>But something is nagging at you. Can you say, “I’m OK with take-out but not dining in”.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Example: Will you say no to a hug when your friend rolls her eyes and says “Oh, come on!”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Are you able to support your own choices and preferences? Can you withstand the pressure of others?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Those of us who grew up in families where there was addiction or emotional dysfunction probably need to take a long time to sort out our own feelings. We didn’t have support in developing healthy boundaries.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Our first instinct will be to doubt ourselves. People pleasers are likely to put their lives, and lives of loved ones, at risk, rather than be seen as “silly” “cautious” or “a problem.”</div>
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Social life during COVID and quarantine is going to be one of the biggest tests of your codependency and boundaries.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Is your safety negotiable? Are your boundaries negotiable? </div>
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What does self-care mean this year?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Diane Cameronhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704150070795762691noreply@blogger.com65tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-39818751012916241422020-06-28T14:50:00.000-04:002020-06-28T14:50:37.915-04:00A Freedom Ap for My Mind<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">I</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 14pt;">always thought that people who needed an external blocker to make them stop Googling or looking at Facebook had no discipline and no willpower. Couldn’t they just tell themselves, “I’m not going to look at Facebook today?” </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">Yeah, that’s what I used to think until I’d “come to” hunched over my keyboard scrolling, scrolling…</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">And then, last week I saw my weekly summary of social media usage. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">Before the COVID -19 quarantine I was using more than two hours a day. That was pretty shocking. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">Two hours is a lot of time. It is time to write or exercise or time to spend with my husband. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">Then as we moved into the into COVID quarantine my daily usage jumped to 4 hours. That is almost half of my waking time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"> It really shocked me. I recognized the signs: I wanted to stop. I said I’d stop. “I won’t do that again tomorrow” I promised myself. It was an addiction. I needed help to stop.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">So I wrote myself reminders and I put a sticky note on my laptop screen to remind myself. But I would still take a “quick peek” at Instagram and then five minutes became 25 minutes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">I asked a writer friend if she used an ap blocker and she told me about the ap called Freedom. I took the plunge. Last week I installed Freedom on my phone. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">Now I can choose what to block and for how many hours. When the Freedom ap is engaged I can’t access my favorites: Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. If I try to look at Twitter when Freedom is engaged it just spins and I get a message that says, “Tweets are not loading right now.” Dam. It works. So, I move on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">So, at the same time that I’m adjusting my social media behavior with the help of the Freedom Ap blocker I’m aware again of a longstanding, painful habit of perseverating, persistent thoughts that race around in my head, and make me miserable. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">The thoughts are in two categories: “What is wrong with me” and “I’m gonna tell her.” The “her” could be a him or a her but always someone I am annoyed with or made at or—yes ugh—jealous of. You know those voices.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">And I thought, “What if I could turn off those thoughts like I turn off social media?” Huh.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">What if I could install a resentment blocker in my brain to shut down my fear thoughts and resentment thoughts and those long internal conversations that go like this, “Well if she does that then I am going to say <i>this</i>, but if she replies with <i>that</i>, then I will…” They are like little plays that are excruciatingly painful and distracting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">The weird thing about these imaginary mental scripts is that they are full of things I would never actually say, but I rehearse them and repeat them as If I am the boldest, bad ass in the world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">What if I had a Freedom blocker for my mind?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">I pictured what that would be like. My mind would try to go to a fight, jealousy or resentment. It would try to make me angry, envious, or resentful, but it would stall out. That little spinning wheel of hell we see on our computer would spin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">I could choose the “people in my head” that I wanted to block for one day when I want some mental freedom or block those voices for four hours when I want to have a nice evening with my sweetheart—when I want to be present, fully present.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">What if I could us this new mental ap to block my coworkers for the weekend or my mother-in-law for the day before we go to her house—that’s when I do my worst obsessing about what she is “probably going to say” but rarely ever does.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">I love imagining this blocker. My “mental freedom ap”. I’d try to worry, or maybe I’d try to stir up some fear or envy, and I’d feel the urge but then --just like with real social media—I’d see the little wheel spinning, the little dots hovering in place and it might say, “resentments are not loading right now.” It just wouldn't let me go there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">It would be like my mind was saying, “No, you can’t access your fear and anger right now. Please come back later.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;">I’d make a lot with the thought-stopping Freedom ap. And I bet it would be a bestseller.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Diane Cameronhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704150070795762691noreply@blogger.com50tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-20454533663753231302020-06-09T17:16:00.000-04:002020-06-09T17:16:06.946-04:00Happy Birthday to AA<div class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
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It is from June 10, 1935 when, as we say, “One alcoholic reached out to help another alcoholic,” that we date the birth of Alcoholics Anonymous.</div>
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From that rough beginning in Akron, Ohio when Bill Wilson talked through the night with Dr. Bob Smith, that a fellowship of millions grew into an international community with numerous step-children: OA, NA, DA, Al-Anon, CODA, ACOA and the list goes on and on. </div>
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(There are 200 different fellowships that use the principles of the Twelve Steps.)</div>
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Millions of people (nearly 4 million) have discovered the wisdom of the Twelve Steps and how it can be applied to many troubling life problems and addictions.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Today as we look back at that first date we also acknowledge the<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>people that preceded Bill and Bob in Akron. We gladly welcome to the party those whose roles prepared Bill Wilson to get to that day and that historic phone call--figures like Rowland Hazzard, and Ebby Thacher, and even Carl Jung.</div>
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The success of our program is founded on the simple principle: “You can’t do it alone.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Make a wish. Have a cupcake.</div>
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Happy Birthday AA.</div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Diane Cameronhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704150070795762691noreply@blogger.com178tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-56909697898517188592020-06-05T15:17:00.001-04:002020-06-05T15:17:08.479-04:00What Can You Do?<div style="background: white; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; vertical-align: middle;">
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<span style="background: white; color: #1c1e21; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">What can you do?<br />Writers use your words.<br />Yoga teachers use your platforms.<br />Artists use your art.<br />Musicians use your songs.<br />Poets use your poems--yours and others.<br />Friends talk to your friends.<br />Parents talk to your children.<br />Teachers teach.<br />Preachers preach.<br />And people in recovery, this is not an outside issue.<br />This is the very soul of recovery. Speak up.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVgR8RkIRSkNCh3b6RGmwLMBUUH7HuAJ_NAqOMOcyq9AQDZPUwGJLDX0LyX96UJtK0whgk8fTMVU4sY5XlzoZj77p3vU6CuMqw_OUM6_baz-VWwWLe6Sk9iberiefIlKWo2w/s1600/spraypainted_folding_chairs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="893" data-original-width="650" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVgR8RkIRSkNCh3b6RGmwLMBUUH7HuAJ_NAqOMOcyq9AQDZPUwGJLDX0LyX96UJtK0whgk8fTMVU4sY5XlzoZj77p3vU6CuMqw_OUM6_baz-VWwWLe6Sk9iberiefIlKWo2w/s320/spraypainted_folding_chairs.jpg" width="232" /></a></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #1c1e21; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">Black Lives Matter. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10212530181969656&set=a.1028934383727&type=3&theater&notif_t=feedback_reaction_generic&notif_id=1590929743623296"><b><i><span style="background: rgb(245, 246, 247); border: 1pt solid rgb(204, 208, 213); color: #4b4f56; padding: 0in; text-decoration-line: none;"><br /></span></i></b></a></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Diane Cameronhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704150070795762691noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-56831249696050786022020-04-16T11:44:00.000-04:002020-04-16T11:44:14.627-04:00Transferring Addictions in the COVID DaysThis week I had the opportunity to do a guest post for Central Recovery Press--CRP. That great team published my book, <i>Out of the Woods-- A Guide to Long-term Recovery.</i><br />
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Now, more than ever, people in recovery need guidance on managing addictions--substances and behaviors, while so many resources are out of reach.<br />
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Here is this week's post on "Transferring Addictions"--and how not to:)<br />
Big thanks to Patrick Hughes and the team at CRP<br />
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Here's the link:<br />
<a href="https://centralrecoverypress.com/archives/17222?mc_cid=b4c24985b9&mc_eid=9c8b58c9fb">https://centralrecoverypress.com/archives/17222?mc_cid=b4c24985b9&mc_eid=9c8b58c9fb</a><br />
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Please share this with your recovery community.<br />
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And for more on life in long-term recovery please take a look at <i>Out of the Woods:</i><br />
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Diane Cameronhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704150070795762691noreply@blogger.com96tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-40558842217307701472020-03-21T18:44:00.000-04:002020-03-21T18:44:05.130-04:00Ebby Thacher Died March 21, 1996<div class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 10px;">
On March 21<sup>st</sup>, 1966 Ebby Thacher died in Ballston Spa New York. Ebby was Bill Wilson’s sponsor and the man who first carried the recovery message to a very ill Bill W. in Brooklyn thirty years earlier. Ebby’s role is documented in our Big Book in the chapter called “ Bill’s Story” and in the many history books about AA.</div>
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The message that Ebby brought to Bill that cold, damp night was not AA, of course—there was no AA until later that year. </div>
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But Ebby offered Bill the message and the practices of The Oxford Group—an evangelical Christian movement that saved souls and saved “drunks”.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Our AA twelve steps evolved from the six similar steps of the Oxford Group.</div>
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Ebby struggled to stay sober while Bill and then Bob went on to become the “founders” of Alcoholics Anonymous. </div>
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But on this day we must remember that there would be no AA, and no Bill W and Dr. Bob, without Ebby. In that way Ebby was well used by God</div>
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We never know the role we are playing in someone’s life or what our momentary actions might mean to something or someone much later.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Thank you Ebby for carrying what you could and doing what you did.</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Diane Cameronhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704150070795762691noreply@blogger.com34tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-1507004607221170392020-03-13T20:02:00.001-04:002020-03-13T20:02:58.294-04:00Recovery in the Time of Virus--Online Meetings Folks--in my community meetings are canceling and closing in light of the virus and to respect the suggestion for "social distancing". Smart thing to do, but where's a meeting?<br />
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It's time to try some new technologies--and some old ones.<br />
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Take a look at the link below to see some options for online meetings, phone meetings, conference calla and Zoom (video) meetings too.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjShHT_j-bNua8ymQamScqXT26pqxjDDCDn3QEBA8QkvL2e11hUkOBynldhg_a7Lye1ogerrXCrQJ1vealJmlR7GBAKKeE9Eajwg3JKv9gg8UMmlNFfR7QVQZjSr1kz125B7w/s1600/spraypainted_folding_chairs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="893" data-original-width="650" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjShHT_j-bNua8ymQamScqXT26pqxjDDCDn3QEBA8QkvL2e11hUkOBynldhg_a7Lye1ogerrXCrQJ1vealJmlR7GBAKKeE9Eajwg3JKv9gg8UMmlNFfR7QVQZjSr1kz125B7w/s320/spraypainted_folding_chairs.jpg" width="232" /></a></div>
And, it's important to remember right now: newcomers will be having a much harder time and we all know that our substances and behaviors are more tempting.<br />
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Use these methods for your own recovery and maybe reach out to one or more new-ish people as well each day.<br />
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Remember how it worked when you were new? You called your sponsor every day--or you left voicemail messages just to check in. You said things and trusted you were heard. Your sponsor called back as needed.<br />
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Make those same deals now with friends in recovery. Make your voicemail available to others.<br />
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And, pull that big blue book off your shelf. What a great time to commit to reading The Big Book cover to cover again. I guarantee you'll see things there you never saw before.<br />
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Double the effect by making that commitment with a sober friend and keep checking in, "What page are you on?"<br />
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Here's the link below:<br />
<a href="http://aa-intergroup.org/directory.php?goal=0_4d61d72b2e-1d9f0849bd-49728727&mc_cid=1d9f0849bd&mc_eid=433e44dfa4">http://aa-intergroup.org/directory.php?goal=0_4d61d72b2e-1d9f0849bd-49728727&mc_cid=1d9f0849bd&mc_eid=433e44dfa4</a><br />
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And please, add your suggestions in the comments suggestion.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Diane Cameronhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704150070795762691noreply@blogger.com62tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-61477276477253298762020-03-09T20:48:00.002-04:002020-03-09T20:48:58.839-04:00Quit Like a Woman, by Holly Whitaker<div class="p1" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
So, Holly Whitaker’s book about alcohol and how to quit is on the market. There has been a lot of press and a lot of talking. The talking has tripped into AA meetings, and without naming names it’s been discussed. I’ve been asked, “Have you seen that book by that woman?” Yep. And I knew just who they meant.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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I have the book right here, and it’s great.</div>
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I know, I know…she says some things about AA, and she says AA didn’t work for her, and some people in AA have taken that personally. I know.</div>
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But here’s the thing: It’s OK to not like AA.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Whitaker’s book, “Quit Like a Woman—The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Culture Obsessed with Alcohol” is about—get this—Not Drinking.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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I think that is very OK. She tells her story, and she did a ton of research, and she comes down on the side of not drinking. Huh. </div>
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And she talks about why she/we are better off without excesses of alcohol and mind-altering substances. She talks about her jobs, and relationships, and her relationship with herself all being trashed by her drinking.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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So, if you are sober or love someone who is, you just got to be going, “Go, Girl—tell them.”</div>
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Whitaker quotes a lot of Alcoholics Anonymous literature including the Big Book in her book. And I loved seeing all those very familiar words and phrases right there in her pages.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Again, “Go girl.”</div>
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Here’s what I really think: If you are in this “Out of the Woods” club…and that means you have ten or more years of sobriety, you can only say, “Thank God there is another book to help some women stop drinking.” And, “Thank goodness, this Holly Whitaker, is offering an alternative to AA.” Because really, this book is an “outside issue” but don’t we all want lots of people to understand that alcohol abuse and misuse hurts lives and families? And we all know that AA isn’t for everyone. As “old-timers” we are OK with that.</div>
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If you’ve been around awhile it means that AA mostly does work for you, and you have plenty of friends for whom it just did not click. So, don’t we all want someone to find their way to their recovery—whatever they call it?</div>
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I know, I know....You may be mad because “She said she didn’t like AA”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Most newcomers don’t like AA. Remember when you were new, and you said things like, “It’s a cult” and “they pray” and “It’s about God and I don’t do God.” </div>
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So, cut her a break.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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The most important part of this very important book is in the subtitle: “The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Culture Obsessed with Alcohol.”</div>
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I think we can all agree she’s got that right, and she makes an excellent and eloquent case for that “radical choice” and that culture and that obsession.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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So, read this book. You’ll learn a lot, and you’ll appreciate that she is reaching and educating people that those of us who love AA are probably not able to do.</div>
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You go, Holly Whitaker. You wrote an important book.</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Diane Cameronhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14704150070795762691noreply@blogger.com36tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-75563054480635614462019-11-10T16:40:00.000-05:002019-11-10T16:40:26.768-05:00The History of Military Trauma--Veterans Day
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On April 6<sup>th</sup>, 1917 the US Congress declared war and we entered WWI. It was our first full-scale entry into armed conflict on European soil. War has changed since then, and we have changed but there is one constant, which is the sad fact of psychological injuries sustained by soldiers in war. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Various authorities—military and psychiatric—put the estimate of “stress casualties” between 25 and 60 percent, though the words we use to describe them has changed over time. Terms have included: Battle fatigue, war neurosis, shell shock, military hysteria, trench suicide and<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>“LMF” or “lacking moral fiber”. These labels reflect the cultural attitudes of each time period, but they are also influenced by military strategy and even demographics.</div>
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In 1917 the US population was at an all-time high. In supply terms this meant there were plenty of soldiers. In that war, where supply met demand, it was not uncommon to find that those who broke down, who froze on the field, who hesitated to shoot, retreated or exhibited any other detrimental behavior were considered to have problems of character rather than injuries.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>By contrast in World War II, with fighting in both Europe and Asia putting more than 16 million Americans in uniform, the condition of a struggling soldier was framed very differently. War trauma became an illness which could be treated or cured.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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But beyond the words we use, it’s important to note that there has always been a civilian hand-me-down from the military and the psychiatric casualties of war. The need to keep soldiers on the battlefield or to return them to combat in World War II saw one of the United State’s largest investments in psychology and psychiatry. Through the 1940’s the Pentagon spent millions of dollars for psychological research. </div>
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That has had a lasting impact on all of our lives.</div>
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The research for that war’s soldiers spilled over and into the fields of advertising, education and even design. 1946 saw the first National Mental Health Act; in 1948 <i>The Snake Pit</i> –a movie about shock treatment and psychoanalysis won 7 Academy Awards, and also that year Psychology Today magazine was launched for the general public. </div>
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In 1949, the Nobel Prize for medicine went to Dr. Egas Moniz, who “invented” the pre-frontal lobotomy. Today our casual talk of “issues” and “processing feelings” has its roots in the Pentagon’s need.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Of course, each succeeding war has added research and changes to how we view our psychological selves. In the Korean War, the Army created mobile psych units that focused on cognitive treatments which attend to how one processes thoughts. </div>
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Out of this came civilian interest in mind control, positive thinking and yes, that old stuff about subliminal persuasion. Then we went to Viet Nam and saw the military test new methods of replacing troops --not as units but as individuals. We know that the style of jungle warfare along with the media coverage of that war—and the tricky politics of the time—all contributed to the total impact on soldier’s health. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>More than any other war Viet Nam redefined our beliefs about mental health.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Five years after the fall of Saigon, “Viet Nam Syndrome” was identified, which morphed into Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, which rapidly generalized to civilians who suffered trauma.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Now, we are in danger of more war—and wars with yet newer factors. In Afghanistan and Iraq our troops faced guerilla combat with the added stress of suicide bombers and armed civilians. More chemical warfare seems to be approaching. These increase the psychological difficulties, and as this changes we see another reframing of the resulting psychiatric casualties.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Especially today on Veterans Day--we must remember to factor in these injuries when we talk about the costs of war. We must<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>ask how we will label our broken soldiers, how we will care for them and their families. What will be changed, now and later.</div>
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***</div>
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For more on the history of military trauma you may want to see my book:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCFmXV1cyAxef63D-ylrt6lUhBC5J5a2tpJOpYbCSKa56guMeEsJTeKd0eiGOzTpnMZy3RxQKwZhAoDmisXUna9YP68mZXddEc-kFKhZC5SElK1Zetp5pOuVXzeH-DPA1zNKGo/s1600/NLYD-frontcover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1036" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCFmXV1cyAxef63D-ylrt6lUhBC5J5a2tpJOpYbCSKa56guMeEsJTeKd0eiGOzTpnMZy3RxQKwZhAoDmisXUna9YP68mZXddEc-kFKhZC5SElK1Zetp5pOuVXzeH-DPA1zNKGo/s200/NLYD-frontcover.jpg" width="129" /></a></div>
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Dianehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14954106386693585991noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-1188204653143819442019-10-30T07:41:00.002-04:002019-10-30T07:41:41.870-04:00Preparing for Day of the Dead
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
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<div class="MsoFooter" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">This
week I’ll be celebrating Dia de los Muertos, the Day of the Dead.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">It’s not a holiday I grew up with but one
I’ve borrowed from the Southwest and Mexico.</span></div>
<div class="MsoFooter" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoFooter" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">And it’s become one of my favorite
holidays –in part because it’s a good spiritual counterpart to Halloween.
Except for the candy, October 31</span><sup style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">st</sup><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> doesn’t leave much for grownups.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">Being
scared of goblins and ghoulies lost its sway when I got old enough to lose
people that I loved. The dead just aren’t scary in the same way anymore. In
fact, I’d welcome a visit from many of them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 18.6667px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;"></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX9PbIdOihR4baileLwuiMJgRDD7HMnmwGi3ufIt-VNYN0SzO5tq4FREmi4L-6BPYbslTEqNf4DR41ULVbfSBsyTQa-mTj0eANiTJsrcvC-U81lmxLtHgyJ-5MJi04CTRJwjit/s1600/CemetarioAlmoloyaRio1995.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="769" data-original-width="1176" height="209" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX9PbIdOihR4baileLwuiMJgRDD7HMnmwGi3ufIt-VNYN0SzO5tq4FREmi4L-6BPYbslTEqNf4DR41ULVbfSBsyTQa-mTj0eANiTJsrcvC-U81lmxLtHgyJ-5MJi04CTRJwjit/s320/CemetarioAlmoloyaRio1995.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">That’s
what Day of the Dead is about.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">There is a belief that on this day the veil
separating this world and the next is thinner and so it’s a time we can be
closer to those that we love who are dead.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">Day
of the Dead celebration centers on rituals for remembering loved ones. We can
visit them in our imagination or feel their presence. It can mean prayer or
conversation, writing a letter or looking at old photos.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">The tradition that I
use includes making an ofrenda, or altar, something as simple as putting photos
and candles on the coffee table and taking time to talk about these loved ones and
remember them. We also have spicy hot chocolate as a symbol of the sweet and
bitter separation from those we love. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">A
ritual is a way of ordering life. Whether Purim or Advent, hearing Mass or
saying Kaddish, small ceremonies help us sort and reframe our memories.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">When
someone dies the relationship doesn’t stop, it’s renegotiated, literally
re-conceived. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">No,
this isn’t a very American idea. Culturally our preferences are for efficiency
and effectiveness; even with grief we use words like <i>closure</i> and <i>process</i>.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyTextIndent" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">I remember my
frustration when I was grieving the loss of my brothers and sisters and my
truly well-intentioned friends would suggest I move along in my process and they
quoted (actually, misquoted) Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.</span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyTextIndent" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyTextIndent" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">The simplified version of
her theory lists stages: Denial--Bargaining--Anger--Depression, and Acceptance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyTextIndent" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyTextIndent" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">But it’s false to
create that expectation of five discrete steps. That listing implies order, and
that a person can move from point A to point B and be done. That makes grief into
an emotional Monopoly game where you go around the board, collect points and
get to a distinct and certain end.</span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyTextIndent" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyTextIndent" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">This
false notion of linearity is apparent when we hear people judge someone who is
grieving, “Oh, she missed the anger stage”, or “He hasn’t reached acceptance
yet.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyTextIndent" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">I
always thought that “losing a loved one” was a euphemism used by people who
were afraid to say the words <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">dead</i> or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">died</i>, but after losing my brother Larry
I know that <i>lost </i>is the perfect word to describe that feeling of something
just out of reach, still here, but also gone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">Though
he died years ago my feeling about my brother is that I have misplaced him; I
have that sensation of knowing that my book or that letter I was just reading,
are around here somewhere…if I could just remember where I left him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">I
think this is why we can be so hard on the grieving, and why we want them to go
through those stages and be done with it. We love closure and things that are
sealed and settled.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">But death and grief, for all their seeming finality, are
not as final as we would like. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyTextIndent" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">So tonight, I’ll make
cocoa and light candles; we’ll take family pictures into the living room and tell
stories. And we’ll laugh. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyTextIndent" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">The
root of the word <i>grieve</i> is <i>heavy</i>. We carry our dead as a
cherished burden.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">Death
may end a life but not a relationship. Who would want to close the door on
that?</span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Dianehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14954106386693585991noreply@blogger.com52tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-87236511316477402222019-09-29T12:36:00.000-04:002019-09-29T12:36:16.863-04:00Stay in Your Lane
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“Stay in Your Lane.” I’ve been saying that to myself a lot recently. It’s a great mantra and a reminder, and it comes with an easy visual.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP2lg8ve_p63Nl7QvKSOPXXuzAgnZIaRf4OVnYbZu0aoQocVP4I5jSJ7AtIxdAzXK4iVgbZLoue-d2WoX0O0WvIgDpPy4sgLbO0SLVZCPR68VnR6e0zcFh1yWFzIYY0nkJaBRG/s1600/Highway+lanes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP2lg8ve_p63Nl7QvKSOPXXuzAgnZIaRf4OVnYbZu0aoQocVP4I5jSJ7AtIxdAzXK4iVgbZLoue-d2WoX0O0WvIgDpPy4sgLbO0SLVZCPR68VnR6e0zcFh1yWFzIYY0nkJaBRG/s200/Highway+lanes.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="p2">
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We know, as drivers, that it’s dangerous to weave back and forth lane to lane, and even more dangerous to drift into an oncoming lane. It’s also true—though maybe not quite as life-threatening, that it’s dangerous to drift into someone else’s lane—at work, at home, in friendships and in romantic relationships.</div>
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Staying in your own lane is a combination of boundaries and discernment: What is my business? What is not my business? It’s not always clear. But—continuing the metaphor—that’s what the broken line on the highway is for.</div>
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A couple things can help us stay in our lane. One is watching for the red flags.</div>
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One tool is listening carefully to what you are saying, especially how you preface any comments.</div>
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If you hear yourself saying, “It may not be my business, but…” You are correct. Stop right there and get back in your lane. Ditto, for “I’ve never been (a parent, married, seriously ill, faced with infidelity, a boss, laid off…etc.) but I know that I would….(Insert unsubstantiated advice here.)” No, you wouldn’t. And, you have no idea so cruise back to your own lane.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Anytime we say things like, “If my husband ever..” or<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>“If my kid ever…” we’re blowing hot air. We might fantasize about what we’d do, but in reality there are so many ways to live thru hard things that none of us actually knows what we’d do. Turn that wheel.</div>
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Another red flag to tell you that you are drifting is to pay attention to your body. Is your heart racing, breathing accelerating, temperature rising, voice raising? You have left your lane and what you say next is 99% most likely to be a mistake or an over-reaction. Gently bring your lips together and take a seat, get a glass of water. Wait a minute or 30.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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We almost never regret what we did not say. If it turns out that you have had a related experience (You directly, not your sister-in-law) then maybe share that privately, one-on-one.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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A good friend of mine likes to remind me: “Diane, if the other person did not specifically say, “Diane, I want your advice”, then you have not been asked for your advice so don’t offer any. At all.”</div>
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Most days, I count myself good if I feel myself drifting out of my lane and pull back just in time.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Dianehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14954106386693585991noreply@blogger.com33tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-1350646549290344562019-08-26T07:27:00.002-04:002019-08-26T07:27:39.094-04:00Letting Go--Just Throw the Ball
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Letting Go is a topic I can never hear about enough. I love it when it’s the topic at meetings, and I really love it when people talk about <i>how</i> they let go—what <i>exactly </i>they do that helps them.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Letting go is probably the answer to 99% of my questions. (What should I do in my relationship? Let go. What should I do about that cranky relative? Let go. What about the future I am worried about? Yes, let go of that too.</div>
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But still, and often, just as in my newcomer days, I can sigh and say, “But how?” and I try to keep the whiney tone out of my voice.</div>
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So, I love the advice on letting go from the amazing Melody Beatty. Beatty is a recovering woman, recovery writer, and a recovery role model. I highly recommend her books especially the day meditation book called, “The Language of Letting Go.” My first sponsor gave me that book in 1983 and I still read from that dog-eared, underlined, tear-stained copy every day.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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So here is her advice on how to let go:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXf5TXRL5tkdhoK4a54cBQ7gUUvRUcGvkyhx8-y5l7tEPP7JEHe_lMNlJu16aR_8k-vQ6oZ84YMxfadipUjfla7ZwF7f0_Kc_lZBe4XaJWFcQXutmzmQc4RcHJNklUR_-eLFhL/s1600/CyYoung_photo_and_painting1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="280" data-original-width="420" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXf5TXRL5tkdhoK4a54cBQ7gUUvRUcGvkyhx8-y5l7tEPP7JEHe_lMNlJu16aR_8k-vQ6oZ84YMxfadipUjfla7ZwF7f0_Kc_lZBe4XaJWFcQXutmzmQc4RcHJNklUR_-eLFhL/s320/CyYoung_photo_and_painting1.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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*If you are holding onto a worry or a problem or a person—think of that as holding onto a baseball.</div>
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* If you have tried to solve a problem three times (and worry doesn’t count) then stop yourself. Let go. Throw the ball.</div>
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*If someone asks you for advice, you give them the advice one time. Then throw the ball to them. Let go. Say nothing more.</div>
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*If a person has not asked for your advice, or if you offered some advice and the answer was “No thanks,” there is nothing to throw. Let go. The ball is not in your hands.</div>
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It might be helpful—if you are really struggling with an issue or a person—to get a small ball to hold, use a ballpoint pen to write the issue you’re struggling with on that ball, and then let it fly. Throw that ball off a cliff, into a river, roll it down a hill away from you, and say out loud, “I am letting go of….and name it.”</div>
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That’s what letting go looks like. Let it go.</div>
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***</div>
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More on life in long-term recovery--see "Out of the Woods" published by Central Recovery Press.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBCIsa3Xdu5pR3yuYZ5FKbYwOw9IFMjpat9uDwpWcFicE4oXYvMQPOkJ1dxyOXnz7bOODUxRQjdgmRtMEo2u14diNyWnf_A9TD3ykUchZy4o5eYO5ZIWMTjrv0L5VTGSy6hxbV/s1600/Out+of+the+Woods+Book.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="499" data-original-width="333" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBCIsa3Xdu5pR3yuYZ5FKbYwOw9IFMjpat9uDwpWcFicE4oXYvMQPOkJ1dxyOXnz7bOODUxRQjdgmRtMEo2u14diNyWnf_A9TD3ykUchZy4o5eYO5ZIWMTjrv0L5VTGSy6hxbV/s200/Out+of+the+Woods+Book.jpg" width="133" /></a></div>
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Dianehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14954106386693585991noreply@blogger.com50tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-57665762138124493182019-07-04T12:45:00.000-04:002019-07-04T12:45:05.223-04:00On the Shore--The Glorious Debris
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>times,
to start a new life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">A frightening diagnosis, a<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">marriage, a move, loss of a job…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">And onward full tilt we go,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">pitched and wrecked and absurdly<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">everything to make good on a <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">new shore. To be hopeful, to<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">embrace one possibility after<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">another—that surely is the basic<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">instinct…..Crying out: High tide!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">Time to move out into the<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">glorious debris. Time to take <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">this life for what it is.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">--</span></i><span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Barbara
Kingsolver<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">, </i>from<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> High Tide in Tucson<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Dianehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14954106386693585991noreply@blogger.com221tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-50451018730370448602019-06-15T11:22:00.001-04:002019-06-15T11:22:16.858-04:00Father's Day Time
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">One of the
central attractions in the city of Prague is the clock tower in the main
square. There is a certain irony that vacationers, supposedly freed from clock
watching, are drawn to this tower clock.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">They arrive five minutes before each
hour to stare upward at the moving hands and the parade of carved wooden
puppets that mark each changing hour. Tours guides offer stern warnings that
the area near the tower is notorious for petty crime. While tourists are
transfixed by the clock and its puppets, pickpockets help themselves to money,
passports and yes, watches.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">The tradition
of village clock towers evolved from the practice of having a man stand guard
to keep watch and periodically ring a bell to mark the hour. The name of that
profession is the origin of the watch we now wear on our wrist. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Timepieces
gradually moved from the public clocks of the middle ages, to clocks inside the
home, to pocket watches, to ones now strapped on our arm, getting closer to us
all the time. While convenience has advantages, we no longer enjoy the communal
reminder of passing time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiM4MCwY5kwEzKiELCijOkxJeR33Wi7jiYpD_26-EzBfS-1PgB7iPvzbCdb0zwqxZA73rECgQPg87pR_MPf8HTVJxCVl7ENMY_ws-HR22opJQ0YnacQgghTBxcrO4owmVrLK-rP/s1600/Daddy+and+Diane.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiM4MCwY5kwEzKiELCijOkxJeR33Wi7jiYpD_26-EzBfS-1PgB7iPvzbCdb0zwqxZA73rECgQPg87pR_MPf8HTVJxCVl7ENMY_ws-HR22opJQ0YnacQgghTBxcrO4owmVrLK-rP/s320/Daddy+and+Diane.jpg" width="240" /></a><span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Time is an
important topic for Father’s Day. This week’s newspaper ads show this deep
connection.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">From Timex to Rolex, wristwatches are the number one gift for Dad.
It may be the perfect gift too. Fatherhood is a short season and it flies by. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">My father
died when he was 56 and I was 18. His death was sudden and unexpected. It
wasn’t until I crossed the 50 threshold that I understood that my father had
died young. I knew, of course, that I was young when he died, but now I understand
that he was young too. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Time was an
important part of my father’s life. He was an industrial engineer, a “time and
motion study man”. His work was about efficiency and calculation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He carried a clipboard and wore an elegant
gold Hamilton watch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Whether due
to nature or nurture, I too have an overly developed sense of time. I
multi-task, write daily to-do lists, and I lust after organizing systems. But I
also resist being tethered to time. Maybe it’s because I watched my father save
so much time, which he never got a chance to use, that I have a love/hate
relationship with “time management”. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">My own
calendar shocks people. It’s an oversized month-at-a-glance book in which I
track tasks by scribbling through the borders and across the lines intended to
demarcate the days. Each month’s page becomes an abstract work of scribbles and
swirls and then it’s torn away. I don’t look back. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Death isn’t
the only way that dads go missing from their kid’s lives. Divorce or drinking
can do it too, but most often it’s work. That’s not new. Fathers of the 1950’s
didn’t come to school plays or Girl Scout ceremonies; Mom went to those things
and told Dad about it at dinner. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Are today’s
Dads wiser? It seems so. Last year fathers reported spending four hours a day
with their kids, compared with just 2.7 hours in 1965. But I wonder, are those
hours together real leisure and pleasure or are we multi-tasking the homework
and the errands with the quality time?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">It’s a cliché to say how fast childhood
goes and how fast fatherhood disappears too, but it’s true. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">With our
lists and calendars-- and even our watches—we can pick our own pockets. In
trying to better organize them our lives can be stolen away. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif;">Next week
summer begins. Will the livin’ be easy? Or will we tick it off and time it out?
Fathers, keep watch. Just look at the time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">For more on </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">families and recovery you'll want</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> to read: </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1bmF2Wdpyb_F_3ox_NQci8HB2k9CtG0yGh4GNakKgzmrWFd2AxdD1tQR9TwdMNi17Hn4Sjyj03hqwBFD-BgPghY-55sU9KeDUN61AG-JWjUgatqNoVbz1xZ-9B18qyAXuK9Mz/s1600/Out+of+the+Woods+Book.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="499" data-original-width="333" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1bmF2Wdpyb_F_3ox_NQci8HB2k9CtG0yGh4GNakKgzmrWFd2AxdD1tQR9TwdMNi17Hn4Sjyj03hqwBFD-BgPghY-55sU9KeDUN61AG-JWjUgatqNoVbz1xZ-9B18qyAXuK9Mz/s200/Out+of+the+Woods+Book.jpg" width="133" /></a></div>
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<!--EndFragment--><br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Dianehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14954106386693585991noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-85425234875514131902019-05-09T20:32:00.001-04:002019-05-09T20:32:40.292-04:00Are We Restless or Are We Just Human?
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You will hear this sometimes at twelve-step meetings— “We are just restless and discontent.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>The basis of that idea comes from the Big Book and recovering people often turn that into a self-blaming statement and turn it on themselves and others.</div>
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Sometimes I hear this injunction against restlessness said with a suggestion that if one’s sobriety was better they’d not be restless anymore. </div>
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Or sometimes, even more damming, if one worked the steps the “right” way then that the damned restlessness would slip away.</div>
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But that attitude and belief disregards what philosophers and great theologians have taught us about being human. We’ve learned from Epictetus and Aristotle and even Saint Augustine. Augustine was just one thinker who described restlessness as part of the human condition. He famously wrote, “God you made us as we are, and we are restless until we rest in you.” Augustine was not writing about addicts. He was describing the people that God created.</div>
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So, I wonder sometimes if it isn’t a bit arrogant to suggest that if we alcoholics just did our program right then our restlessness would disappear? But we forget to ask, if it left us then we’d be…what? —better than other human beings? Where’s the humility in that?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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And I also wonder if we attempt to chase the removal of restlessness like we used to try to chase away uncomfortable feelings-and we did that by using drugs, alcohol, food, work…. you know the list. That’s just addictive “fix me” thinking.</div>
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If restlessness is part of God’s creation for human beings, and if we are to be restless until we rest in God, then we might not want to suggest that we have a special path or that we are somehow smarter than God.</div>
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Perhaps the wiser, more humbler, and more faith-filled course is to note our restlessness as a sign that we are human and be very grateful for that.</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Dianehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14954106386693585991noreply@blogger.com98tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-91714253622719180092019-04-20T17:37:00.002-04:002019-04-21T08:51:30.538-04:00We Are Easter People<style type="text/css">
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I have an Easter memory from years ago. I was living in Washington, DC, and that year was a low point in my life. My older sister had recently died, and both of my brothers were seriously ill; my best friend was leaving town, and on top of that I was questioning my work.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0rAmzpXEzAK0KE5XTUkw-FOPCXHB_H6Te7qe6HU3x_VNOXL-t37ysdJBVQo6poOZj0rnXfrKyUWhsGP4jzdWvkzpcFqvxD8OwSztKOMCFMIXLLuZRg65nYZcg0UH1K2gDVvVp/s1600/Gesichtssauscnitt_Antonello_Da_Messina_Frau_2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="838" data-original-width="547" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0rAmzpXEzAK0KE5XTUkw-FOPCXHB_H6Te7qe6HU3x_VNOXL-t37ysdJBVQo6poOZj0rnXfrKyUWhsGP4jzdWvkzpcFqvxD8OwSztKOMCFMIXLLuZRg65nYZcg0UH1K2gDVvVp/s320/Gesichtssauscnitt_Antonello_Da_Messina_Frau_2.jpg" width="208" /></a>In my journal that April I wrote, “Am I depressed?” When I read those pages now I laugh and shake my head. “Depressed?” That I even had to ask. In that long year I thought I’d never laugh again, just as I thought I’d never again feel love, the joy of easy friendship, or the satisfaction of good work.</div>
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I went to church that Easter out of both habit and desperation. I had grown up in a church-going family. It was what we did. And so to honor the family that I was losing I went. I chose a big downtown church for Easter services—one with hundreds in the congregation--not daring to visit a smaller church where I might have to speak to people or be embarrassed by my own tears. I wanted the paradoxical safety and anonymity of being in a crowd. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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The minister that Easter Sunday said many things that I don’t remember but one sentence stood out. He said, "we live in a Good Friday world." <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>That I understood. A Good Friday world is a world full of suffering, questioning, unfairness, trouble, mistakes, hurts, losses and grief. That was certainly confirmation of my life that day. “But,” he continued, “We are Easter people.” Those words stopped me cold. I was stunned to be reminded that painful morning that there was something other than what I was feeling.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
has stayed with me all these years. He said, “We live in a Good Friday world…”<br />
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My life was not instantly transformed; his words did not change the course of my brothers’ illnesses; nor give me answers to my questions. But the idea of being “Easter people” gave me a pause in my grief and the teeniest hope that there really did exist something other than pain.</div>
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Today all of the things that hurt so much back then have changed. As my brothers died friends came forward to help. I began to write and publish. Months later I fell in love and moved to upstate New York where a new life began with new friends, new work and yes, of course, new problems.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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What strikes me now is that this believing in “Easter” in the midst of “Good Friday” is as much about being an American as it is about being Christian.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Americans are, by character, a people of reinvention. There is an extra layer of<b> </b>intention that we bring to “new life” that isn’t true even in other predominately Christian cultures.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>As Americans we are future oriented, we look forward not back, and we are, for the most part, a culture of optimistic, hopeful people.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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The gift from that Easter service many years ago was the reminder that we are, by religion or culture, a people who believe in possibility. When our hearts are shattered we are sometimes shocked to discover that there is joy as well as pain inside.</div>
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Out of the ashes of our mistakes, from our defeats, and even our despair, we rise again in better lives.</div>
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Dianehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14954106386693585991noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-7376087043683851352019-04-15T07:08:00.001-04:002019-04-15T07:08:42.215-04:00Jackie Robinson Day--Lessons for All of Us
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On April 15, 1947 Jackie Robinson ran onto Ebbets Field, taking his place at first base and in both baseball and civil rights history. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Today, with our news filled with stories of injustice and discrimination, we can use this anniversary to find our own places to support social change.</div>
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We admire Jackie Robinson, as we should, he was the one on the field. </div>
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But there were others who supported “baseball’s greatest experiment.” Those others can inspire us. So here are three examples from the Robinson story that can be our role models.</div>
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First, the man who brought Robinson to the majors: Branch Rickey was the President of The Brooklyn Dodgers. He had a longtime interest in racial integration, but he wasn’t a minister or a politician. </div>
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Rickey was a baseball executive who made a wise business—and moral—decision by signing Robinson.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Rickey had studied the Negro Leagues for years and he knew that he could fill a ballpark—and probably win a pennant --with players like Jackie.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Like Rickey, some of us in leadership positions have opportunities to bring money and morality together. We can look for places to advance social justice in our organizations.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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But maybe you don’t own the company; maybe you’re a manager or you run a department. There’s an example in the Robinson story for you too.</div>
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Your role model is Bert Shotton. Shotton managed the Dodgers in 1947. He stepped in when the legendary Leo Durocher was banned from baseball.</div>
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The Dodgers lost Durocher right after Robinson arrived, and while the team was in an uproar about Rickey signing Robinson. Rickey needed someone in the dugout who could hold the team together while Jackie was on the field enduring physical and verbal assaults from other players and the fans.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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Rickey brought Shotton out of retirement to calm and soothe and knit the Dodgers together during that crucial first year.</div>
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<span style="text-indent: 36px;">Shotton wasn’t colorful or flashy, he just got the most stirred up team in history to settle down and play ball. Red Barber said, “The unsung hero of 1947 was manager Burt Shotton.” Shotton is an example of what many of us could do within our companies to help those who are struggling with change.</span></div>
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But maybe you’re not even a manager; you’re a coworker or a customer. Well, there’s a role model for you too.</div>
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Harold “Pee Wee” Reese was Jackie Robinson’s teammate. The most unlikely man to be of help, Reese grew up in the segregated south and even he was initially upset when he was told that Robinson would play. But Reese was an inherently just person. When one of his teammates circulated a petition saying they’d all quit if Rickey kept Robinson, Reese said no, and handed the petition back, causing the protest to fizzle.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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But Reese did something else. Early in 1947 at a game in which the hatred directed at Robinson was particularly ugly, Reese did the simplest --and most powerful-- thing. He left his shortstop position and walked over to Robinson at first base.</div>
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He smiled at Robinson, made some small talk, and then, like any guy talking to a friend, Reese put his arm around Robinson’s shoulder.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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The fans fell silent. Reese had signaled that Jackie was his teammate. “That,” said sportswriter Roger Kahn, “was baseball’s finest moment.”</div>
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So today, as you recall Jackie running onto Ebbets Field, look behind him and give a nod to Rickey, Reese and Shotton. They offer examples of how each of us can support social justice and ensure that change will happen.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Dianehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14954106386693585991noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-57056889289677277922019-04-05T18:06:00.001-04:002019-04-05T18:06:28.803-04:00Caregiving Has Risks of AddictionOne of the things that happens as we become long-term in recovery is....drum beat!...we get older.<br />
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It's true..years pass, we age and the people we love age too. If you stay in recovery a long time there is a very high probability that you'll do time as a caregiver--for a spouse/partner, for a parent, for a sibling.<br />
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One thing we are now learning about caregivers is there is a risk of addiction, so for us that becaomes a risk of relapse.<br />
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This month I wrote about this concern for Cancer Today Magazine..and here is the link to that story: This is one worth sharing far and wide--its a concern for folks in recovery--woman and men--and for other family and friends.<br />
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Have a read. Here's the link:<br />
<a href="https://www.cancertodaymag.org/Pages/Spring2019/Recognizing-Addiction.aspx">https://www.cancertodaymag.org/Pages/Spring2019/Recognizing-Addiction.aspx</a><br />
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Spring is almost here!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Dianehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14954106386693585991noreply@blogger.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33159109.post-87016203598612047582019-03-03T15:33:00.000-05:002019-03-03T15:33:30.658-05:00Don't Stay on the Edge
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I was talking with a friend today. Though we’ve known each other a long time, she’s new to recovery. It’s an honor to be welcoming her aboard the USS Recovery.</div>
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When we talked I asked her what her recovery looks like, and you’ll not be surprised to hear that she’s fallen in love with the program—the meetings, and the humor, and what people talk about, and the slogans and sayings—they are all fresh and new and surprising to her.</div>
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But when I asked how she was building her support team, and did she have a sponsor yet and a home group, and was she gathering a team of sober woman around her? she said, “No, not yet, but I’m going to a ton of meetings.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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I remember that time of surprise and wonderment—all these people and all this recovery, and all this language and lingo and new concepts. And the thrill of being in meetings where people share such intimate details and –mostly—let go of pretending.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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But I also found myself saying to her, “If you like that part of recovery, come on in to the deeper end.”</div>
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I told her that meetings are great and going out for coffee is great but really being a member comes from moving to the center.</div>
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What I wanted to say was, “Sitting on the edge of the pool with your feet in the water is cool—and even refreshing --but jump in—all the way in—and swim with us.” </div>
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What I mean is: get a sponsor, sign up to do service, go to at least 3 or four meetings a week, make one of them your home group, and read the Grapevine Magazine, the Big Book, As Bill Sees It, and other literature about recovery and about AA. And go to regional round-ups, and conferences. These are your people now. Show up where they are, make sure they get to notice you and to know you.</div>
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The same advice applies if later in recovery you move to a new town. Even after many years of recovery you have to start over in a sense and dive into the center of your new recovery community.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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The water’s great. Jump in!</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer"><a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://loveinthetimeofcancer.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/tech-fav-1.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites" /></a></div>Dianehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14954106386693585991noreply@blogger.com17