Letting Go--Just Throw the Ball

Letting Go is a topic I can never hear about enough. I love it when it’s the topic at meetings, and I really love it when people talk about how they let go—what exactly they do that helps them. 

Letting go is probably the answer to 99% of my questions. (What should I do in my relationship? Let go. What should I do about that cranky relative? Let go. What about the future I am worried about? Yes, let go of that too.

But still, and often, just as in my newcomer days, I can sigh and say, “But how?” and I try to keep the whiney tone out of my voice.

So, I love the advice on letting go from the amazing Melody Beatty. Beatty is a recovering woman, recovery writer, and a recovery role model. I highly recommend her books especially the day meditation book called, “The Language of Letting Go.” My first sponsor gave me that book in 1983 and I still read from that dog-eared, underlined, tear-stained copy every day. 

So here is her advice on how to let go:

*If you are holding onto a worry or a problem or a person—think of that as holding onto a baseball.

* If you have tried to solve a problem three times (and worry doesn’t count) then stop yourself. Let go. Throw the ball.

*If someone asks you for advice, you give them the advice one time. Then throw the ball to them. Let go. Say nothing more.

*If a person has not asked for your advice, or if you offered some advice and the answer was “No thanks,” there is nothing to throw. Let go. The ball is not in your hands.

It might be helpful—if you are really struggling with an issue or a person—to get a small ball to hold, use a ballpoint pen to write the issue you’re struggling with on that ball, and then let it fly. Throw that ball off a cliff, into a river, roll it down a hill away from you, and say out loud, “I am letting go of….and name it.”

That’s what letting go looks like. Let it go.

***

More on life in long-term recovery--see "Out of the Woods" published by Central Recovery Press.

Letting Go--Throw the Ball

Letting Go is a topic I can never hear about enough. I love it when it’s the topic at meetings, and I really love it when people talk about how they let go—what exactly they do that helps them. 

Letting go is probably the answer to 99% of my questions. (What should I do in my relationship? Let go. What should I do about that cranky relative? Let go. What about the future I am worried about? Yes, let go of that too.)

But still, and often, just as in my newcomer days, I can sigh and say, “But how?” and I try to keep the whiney tone out of my voice.

So, I love the advice on letting go from the amazing Melody Beatty. Beatty is a recovering woman, recovery writer, and a recovery role model. I highly recommend her books especially the day meditation book called, “The Language of Letting Go.” My first sponsor gave me that book in 1983 and I still read from that dog-eared, underlined, tear-stained copy every day. 

So here is her advice on how to let go:

*If you are holding onto a worry or a problem or a person—think of that as holding onto a baseball.

* If you have tried to solve a problem three times (and worry doesn’t count) then stop yourself. Let go. Throw the ball.

*If someone asks you for advice, you give them the advice one time. Then throw the ball to them. Let go. Say nothing more.

*If a person has not asked for your advice, or if you offered some advice and the answer was “No thanks,” there is nothing to throw. Let go. The ball is not in your hands.

It might be helpful—if you are really struggling with an issue or a person—to get a small ball to hold, name, and then toss. Let that ball go off the cliff, into the river, let it roll down the road or anywhere away from you.

That’s what letting go looks like. Let it go.

Let Go--Just Throw the Ball

Letting Go is a topic I can never hear about enough. I get that letting go is the answer to 99% of my questions. (Eat less sugar is the answer to the other 1%.) But still, just as in my newcomer days I can sigh and sag and ask, “How, exactly, do I let go?”

So here is advice from the amazing Melody Beatty: recovering woman, recovery writer, and recovery role model. I highly recommend her books especially the daily meditation book called, “The Language of Letting Go.” My first sponsor gave that to me in 1983 and I still read from the same dog-eared, underlined, tear-stained copy every day. 

So here is today’s advice on how to let go:

* If you have tried to solve a problem three times (and worry doesn’t count) then stop yourself. Let go. Throw the ball.

*If someone asks you for advice, give them the advice once. Then throw the ball to them. Let go. Say nothing more.

*If a person has not asked for your advice, or if you offered advice and the answer was “No thanks”, there is nothing to throw. Stop talking. Let go. The ball is not in your hands.

It might be helpful—if you are really struggling—to get a small ball to hold and then toss. Let it roll under the table or into the corner. Let it be. That’s what letting go looks like. Let it go.

The Trapeze of Recovery

My friend Meg shared this one from Vermont:

Pigeon:  "I don't know if I can get through this."

Sponsor:  "Hang on."

Pigeon:  "How do I do that?"

Sponsor:  "Let go."

(And smile for the camera.)

Surrender, Diane

We never really do it once. Though, when I was younger in recovery I so wanted that to be true, and I hung on every word of the old-timers who said they took the Third Step once and from then on it was all…

Well, it was all what? Many of those old timers were smoking and overeating and grouchy. But not all. There were also those people in AA and in Alanon who did have some kind of continual peace or perspective that left them more or less sane. I still want that.

I raised my hand today in my home group and asked for the topic of “Real Surrender” by which I mean the kind that comes from deep, deep down. Often that’s the kind that comes when I body slam into the wall of my own insistence and control. Over the years it has helped me to remind myself, “Surrender when you see the wall coming.” We do not always have to hit the wall first.

I’m feeling it now cause I’m heading out for a week of writing. Insecure writing. Shaky writing. Writing I care deeply about. Writing that has my heart all tied up in it. And yes, writing for which I have a certain outcome in mind. Ugh. Let go, let go, let go. But still.

So here’s my practice and it comes from Julia Cameron --who is no relation except in the ancient Celtic underground—She says in her wonderful classic, “The Artist’s Way”: “You take care of the quantity and God will take care of the quality.” And then, though she doesn’t actually say it, “That’s that.”

Controlling Others

Reminder to me:
When I try to control him or her or them—it just makes me more dependent on them. Letting go is a gift to me and step toward my freedom.

Drop the Rock

Early in recovery I listened to tapes of classic AA talks. I listened to Clancy and Bob Earle and Sandy Beach and Terry Gorski. But then as cars changed I didn’t have a tape player and most of the tapes broke or wore out so I moved on to listening to other kinds of spiritual guidance or self-help in the car. (As an aural learner I literally change the tapes in my head this way.)

I’ve recently learned that some of those great AA talks are now available now in CD format on EBay. And that sent me searching.

With my sponsor I’m working now (and forever) on steps 6 and 7—and she mentioned the book, Drop the Rock—written by Bill P. and published by Hazelden. It’s a simple paperback that talks about the process of these two elusive steps. And that sent me to EBay where I found the AA talk by Sandy Beach who begat the idea of “drop the rock”.

In his parable Sandy Beach describes someone in AA who begins to see the freedom and good life that is possible by working the steps. This newcomer is swimming behind the boat, Good Ship Recovery, and can see those onboard who are happy, joyous and free. He wants to get on board—however he is being mightily weighed down by the rock he is carrying while swimming—the rock is all his character defects and old beliefs. The swimmer calls to the people on Good Ship Recovery saying, “How do I get up there?” and they yell back, “Drop the Rock”.But the swimmer hesitates saying, “But it’s my rock; I know this rock, but how do I get up there to be happy like you?” and –as you can guess-- they keep saying, “Drop the Rock.”

Cut the Resentment

I wrote about this a year ago and I still love—and use—this idea:

Control is connected to resentment and to difficult people in our lives. A friend gave me this practice to try with anyone who challenges us. Here is what she suggested:

Early in the morning or late at night—when you can imagine that the other person is sleeping—visualize your higher or best self who is wise and compassionate, and in your imagination allow your higher self to visit that person. See your higher self using a pair of beautiful golden or jeweled scissors and cutting the cord that attaches you to that person. See the cord connecting you fall away and then bless that person and see your higher self return home to you. Allow the blessing to fall on your self too and thank your higher self and your higher power.

Do this visualization as many times as you can over two to three weeks and you will find that your resentment, obsession and struggle with that person will lessen or disappear.

Recovery When Life is Really Hard

Over the last year my good friend Meg has written a book about her life in the year after the death of her daughter Maggie. Meg’s book, “Standing at the Edge” has just been published. It is a stunning book about death and life and grief and recovery. It is a day book—a small gemlike entry each day—the end result showing us what 12 step recovery is like and how it works in the trenches. How a woman lives her recovery in the face of the hardest things we have to live thru sober, abstinent, clean and one day at a time.
Below is a snippet from January 12 called Letting Go:

“I rarely have trouble sleeping, but when I do lie awake in the darkest and coldest hours, it takes awhile for me to realize that I am holding on, keeping my body tight against the pain of grief. I don’t know what this resistance to the mourning is about, whether it is instinct to avoid pain or some habit of my upbringing or personality. Nonetheless, it never fails that when I relax and let go, give myself to the great powers that are carrying me, and soften to the loss, then I am comforted and I can fall asleep. This has been the greatest lesson I have had to learn and relearn in my long recovery through the twelve steps: that I can let go and trust a power greater than myself.”

“Standing at the Edge” by Meg Tipper is available on Amazon.

Fatal Flaw Progress

Well, two more days to go in my new behavior practice I’m calling “No-Her”. So far so good but it’s not easy. What I’m learning from zipping my lip is that I am very judgmental, very opinionated and just chock full of ideas about how other people should live. This practice of not-saying makes it clear that while I’m not saying certain things I’m thinking them—a lot! Next practice is going to be quieting the voice in my head as well as the one connected to my mouth..

But I have to say, this is progress. This weekend we spent a lot of time with family where “her” was a topic of conversation and I was very worried heading into Saturday—I prepared though and had my strategies. And I prayed. I don’t want to miss that point: I prayed. And there was grace in that the usual chat was limited and I only needed to deflect one time to not be engaged in any gossip. I came home very very grateful.

More Practice on My Fatal Flaw

I’m at day 14 of practicing no “Her”—my new behavior to help me to let go of the “fatal flaw”. (See the post here on February 4th).  It hasn’t been easy. I have been able to change what I say but not always what I think, ah, but still. Progress not perfection?

I’m learning some things and here’s my surprise. While I knew all of this intellectually I would not been able to really get it in a visceral way without this experiment –changing MY behavior.

What I’m learning is this: When I focus on “her” or “him” or “them” it distracts me from me. It’s actually destructive—to me! When my attention is over there—“she should” “he shouldn’t” and “he should tell her”—I abandon myself. This is not new—I have been to AlAnon—I read all the self help books—but by keeping my mouth shut I had the chance to experience this.

The temptation of course is that by analyzing “her” and announcing what “he” and “they” should think or do—gives me the heady illusion that I am having some kind of control, but the truth is I am nowhere near myself—I leave me in the dust—when I do that. It’s distracting and destructive. To me. And oh yeah, I’m getting this too: The most selfish and loving thing I can do for me—is to take my attention away from “her”.

Cut the Resentment

Control is connected to resentment and to difficult people in our lives. Last week a friend gave me this practice to try with any person who challenges us. What she told me to do was:

Early in the morning or late at night—when you can imagine that the other person is sleeping—visualize your higher or best self who is wise and compassionate, and in your imagination allow your higher self to visit that person. See your higher self using a pair of beautiful golden or jeweled scissors and cutting the cord that attaches you to that person. See the cord connecting you fall away and then bless that person and see your higher self return home to you. Allow the blessing to fall on your self too and thank your higher self and your higher power.

Do this visualization as many times as you can over two to three weeks and you will find that your resentment, obsession and struggle with that person will lessen or disappear.

Letting Go

Love is letting go. Peace comes from letting go. Let go and let God. We all know what that means and why it makes sense and that annoying as it is to hear those words that it is the truth. But, the person who can finally, at last, and someday describe HOW to let go will be a millionaire and a miracle worker.