Don't Take Anything Personally

I know, you have heard that so many times. And worse, we have probably all said it to someone else. It’s too easy to offer that advice to another woman when it’s her “personal” and not ours.

But there is something to this. And I’m feeling inspired to give it another try.

A few weeks ago I met with a woman and we were talking about The Course in Miracles—which was my entry point into recovery and changing my life. The woman reached into her bag and held up a book and said, “I’m re-reading this old book too.” And it was a copy of “The Four Agreements” by Toltec healer and physician, Don Miguel Ruiz.

You have seen this book. Maybe you read it when it came out in 1997. It was passed around recovery rooms then. It is wisdom. The fur agreements are:

Be Impeccable with Your Word.

Don’t Take Anything Personally.

Don’t Make Assumptions.

Always Do Your Best.

Great advice right? But what I have come to see is that I even took that great advice and used it against myself. Be impeccable with your word because an internal message of, “Oh, you liar, you can’t do this, why did you say that…” and on and on. And “Always do your best” became, in my head, “Do more, do better, an impossible rant of perfectionism.

Are you surprised to hear that’s not what Ruiz was talking about?

I was making even those good ideas into personal failings. Old habit.

What has really synched this for me—today—is simultaneously reading a newer book called, “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying”.  by Bronnie Ware. Death is a great wisdom teacher too. I date myself, but Carlos Castaneda tried to teach us that ages ago. He said, “Keep Death on your left shoulder all day.” If you do that you pretty much fall into the four agreements that Ruiz talks about.

Here are the top five regrets:

One: I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself.

Two: I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

Three: I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.

Four: I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Five: I wish I had let myself be happier.

All of those regrets are about courage and self-agency. Note: it doesn’t say, “I wish I was happier” rather, “I wish I had let myself…”

So I’m going to try something. Want to join me? I’m putting a note in my planner and one on my mirror:    Don’t Take Anything Personally.

I’ll keep you posted on what comes (up) next.

Still Carrying On

So, in yesterday's post I was recommending the new book of hilarious wisdom and perspective called "Carry On, Warrior",  by the wickedly recovering, Glennon Doyle Melton. If you have not yet ordered your copy from the library or bookstore try this:

Go to your local book store and pick up, "CarryOn, Warrior"...go to the back of the store and lean against the wall and read the very short--four page--chapter called, "On Profanity"--page 201. It's a quick read and you'll see why I am just so enamored with this book and writer. Then take that copy to the front of the store and buy it.

Glennon writes a lot about being a mom and about extremely imperfect parenting so this is also a  perfect Mother's Day gift.

Here's a link to her blog and more info on the book:

http://momastery.com/carry-on-warrior/

Carry On, Warrior

The advice often given to writers is, “Write the book that you want to read.” Well, I feel like I can stop now because I have just read the smartest, funniest and most poignant book about recovery.

The book is called: “Carry On, Warrior—Thoughts on Life Unarmed” by Glennon Doyle Melton.

And maybe this book isn’t even about recovery per se, maybe it’s just a book about how life can change so dramatically and so wonderfully and be both so good and so hard—so very hard –for a woman in recovery.

The best part of this is that Glennon writes in short bursts and sections about all the girl friend stuff: bodies, highlights, babies, sex, clothes, shopping, food and God, fear, pain, infidelity, family and hard forgiveness. This is a girl I want to go have a drink with—a latte, an Italian soda, or a bedtime steamed milk. This is a girl whose story makes me glad I don’t drink, and I’m glad she doesn’t drink any more either.

Really—check this out. It’s funny and smart and very real.

Carry on.

Mary Karr Lit and Kin

I’m re-reading the wonderful recovery memoir, Lit, by Mary Karr. This is one of those books that I can read again and again and learn something new each time. I think that’s because I keep changing and so I am open to Karr’s ideas with each stage of my own growth. I especially love to listen to this book, Lit, on cd in the car. That book saves me many days as I go to and from work.

Karr is a sensational poet and now also lyricist with her first album recently released called: Kin. On the Kin soundtrack Karr’s songs are performed by Norah Jones, Lucinda Williams, Vince Gill, Rosanne Cash and other amazing singers. This is a fine example of how a recovery life can indeed take us beyond our wildest dreams.

The beauty of the memoir, Lit and the album Kin is that you don’t need to know anything about recovery or addiction or alcoholism. You can enjoy these works of art for their sheer beauty, the poetic language, the laugh out loud gut-busting humor and Karrr’s sensational storytelling. 

Looking for Signs

I am sooo happy to announce that my new book, "Looking for Signs"--a collection of  essays is out! It includes some of the short essays  you have read here on Out of the Woods and work from the many newspapers that have published my columns over the years. I'm very excited--this is certainly a gift of recovery.

"Looking for Signs" is available at The Book House in Albany, NY; at Market Block Books in Troy, NY; at The Book Loft in Great Barrington, MA. and on Amazon.com. Here is the link for "Signs" at Amazon:


http://www.amazon.com/Looking-Signs-Columns-Diane-Cameron/dp/1614681252/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1358626673&sr=8-1&keywords=looking+for+signs+cameron

Five Great But Unexpected Books for Your Library

Recently Renew Magazine asked me to write about my five favorite books. When I looked at the shelves and shelves of recovery literature lining my office I was, at first, stumped. Just five? But then I thought, “What has really stuck to me or changed me?” Yes, the Big Book is on the first list, but Renew readers are recovery folks…they know about The Big Book and the Twelve & Twelve, but what are the great—but less obvious—recovery books that I love?

Here’s what I wrote:

Years ago a wise therapist helped me understand reading this way: “Books won’t save you and books won’t change you, but books will help you to build a cognitive life raft.” So here are five books I love that have helped me survive the roiling waters of recovery.

“Women Who Love Too Much”, by Robin Norwood is the book I owe my life to.  “WWL2M” was my intervention. I saw myself in that book when I couldn’t recognize myself in a mirror. Norwood’s stories gently coaxed me into 12-step rooms and into a belief in my own recovery. Almost 30 years later I cherish my original copy and I read it once a year.

“The Pilgrim’s Progress” by John Bunyan. This may be the first and the funniest “self-help” books. It was written in 1668 and it is one of the great narratives in the English language, and it feels as contemporary and relevant as last night’s sitcom. The language takes a few minutes to adjust to but then you blink and laugh, and laugh again, and recognize yourself, and people you know as Pilgrim trudges the road to happiness.

“Lit—A Memoir” by Mary Karr-- A smart woman learns from her mistakes; a wise woman learns from other people’s mistakes. So I love stories about what you did and then what happened. Mary Karr is the author of “The Lair’s Club” and also a poet. “Lit” –about parenthood, recovery and learning to write –and is perhaps one of the most beautiful and insightful stories about a woman’s journey to save her life.

 “Anna Karenina”—by Leo Tolstoy. Yes, it’s a novel, but Anna K. is the best relationship book ever written. It can show you how to make a marriage work and how to how to ruin one from the start. This is the book that wrote the book on infidelity. Even Women Who Love Too Much, doesn’t come close to what Tolstoy writes about emotional dependency and the impact of addiction on a family. .

“Reinventing Your Life” by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko. This is cognitive therapy for the layperson. It is the most easily digestible, directly applicable and simply practical guide to changing beliefs and thoughts. This book helped me when mining my past no longer felt productive and I realized that it was my thinking, rather than my drinking that was the issue.

Cognitive Therapy--The Books

This is a follow up to the last post about Cognitive Therapy and how we can change our moods and feelings by changing our thinking. There are many therapists trained in a variety of cognitive therapy techniques. The name you’ll see over and over is Aaron Beck, MD—kind of the modern “pioneer”, (even though the thought-mood connection this is an ancient idea). Beck has done the most to breakdown the “how” of cognitive change.

There are two terrific books that I have read-and returned to again and again—that are a good introduction and that have really helped me. I go back to them repeatedly because in this, as in everything, change happens in layers and stages so I go back to get more help for the next layer. (Not unlike working the 7^th Step.)

Here are the two books on Cognitive Change that I have found useful:

“Reinventing Your Life” by Jeffrey E. Young and Janet S. Klosko

“Mind Over Mood” by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky.

These books are available at your library or local independent bookstore.

More On Willpower

I love the new book, “Willpower” by Roy Baumeister & John Tierney. (I mentioned this book here on September 1^st. ) Now I’m almost at the end but I have to share some more of this new book.

“Willpower” is for a general audience—especially business folks and parents-- who want to learn more about how willpower works, and how to both get more and teach kids to have some. But this is also a terrific book for people in recovery.

Here are a couple more gems from Baumeister and Tierney:

They write about why it’s especially beneficial to have a daily practice of prayer and meditation (as in our Eleventh Step). “A daily practice of prayer and meditation is an anaerobic workout for self control.” Now, we know that a daily prayer practice keeps us connected to a higher power and therefore more able to surrender and let go of things, but the bonus, I’ve learned from “Willpower” is that people who do daily prayer and meditation develop more self-control in other areas of their lives. So isn’t that a win-win for someone resisting temptation of any kind?

Another topic the authors write about that intrigued me is “The Hyperbolic Discount”. This is a psychological phenomenon that all people have to some degree whereby we discount the long-term impact of a short-term decision. This is a human foible where “we can ignore temptations when they are not immediately available but once they are in front of us, we lose perspective and forget our distant goals.” Hence we don’t drink today AND we don’t drink tomorrow. This is also the 2012 psychological explanation for the story from the Big Book about the man who has that glass of milk and just one shot of whiskey. It also explains my completing forgetting my goal to buy fewer cheap clothes and save for better ones when I am standing in Target.

There is more in these sections about Mary Karr—author of “Lit” and her recovery path and poignant stories about Eric Clapton and what helped him to get and stay sober—even when he had to face the death of his young son. Powerful, relevant stuff.