What Would You Be Thinking About?

I had a great idea today about getting underneath the thinking and worrying that I am always doing. Try this:

When you find yourself obsessing about that next skirt, bag, meal, trip, man, job…ask yourself: "What would I be thinking about if I wasn't thinking about this?"

Ten bucks (toward that new bag) says that under your  worry thinking is either an old pain that would resolve if you just let it out, or a big creative idea that is just waiting to spin you into joy--but you are scared.

I'm going to try this interrupter, "What would I be thinking about if I wasn't thinking about this?"

You try it too.

Go Toward the Thing That Scares You

Yesterday I had the opportunity –yes, another growth opportunity--to practice the idea of going toward what troubles you. This is a lesson I seem to learn, forget, learn again and forget again over and over in my recovery: When someone scares you go toward them. Lean into the uncomfortable experience.

I’ve used this lesson in the workplace many times. The coworker that I “hate”, the boss that scares me, the volunteer I wish would disappear. At first I try to avoid them, hide, and limit exposure to these folks— all the while building a case in my head and sharing my brilliance with anyone who will listen to my certain rightness.

But if the feelings persist I finally remember that my work is not to stand back from these people but rather to lean into them and go toward what troubles me.

Last night I almost skipped an event because I didn’t want to be around a woman who bugs me—her demeanor stirs my blood in unattractive ways. But luckily a recovery friend said, “No I think you should go to the party and go right up to her and see what happens.”

And I did. Not happily. Not comfortably. But with some prayers and with the mantra, “Go toward her”. And in the course of the evening I saw a fuller picture and got a deeper sense of the issues underneath. (Mine certainly and maybe even hers.)

No, she is not my new friend. And no, I don’t suddenly like her. But today I am not obsessing about or worrying over this woman. That in itself is a relief.

Relief and peace, because I leaned in, and I went toward what scared me.

Maybe Fear Just Is.....

I watched the Golden Globes last night and I was struck by the number of women who mentioned their self-doubt or "not fitting in" or having fears about their work/career/talents. And today I read the New Yorker piece by John McPhee--who is an extraordinary writer and The King of nonfiction and a literary star by anyone's account and he writes about the "terror" he faces when he begins a new piece.

It is making me re-think fear. Maybe we should not (I should not) spend so much time (and energy and money) trying to get rid of fear. Maybe just accept it? Maybe just say "Yep--more fear" and keep going?

Maybe treat fear like a toddler having a tantrum. (It's kind of like that really...) And say, "Okey-doke sweetie, when you're done with that tantrum I'll be right over here. (Working on my stuff.)

Fasting from Fear

One gift of long recovery is discovering how many of the things we struggle with are simply part of being human. In the beginning we attribute all of our character defects to being alcoholic, but after time and work and making friends with many kinds of people I have learned that everyone is afraid, everyone has some kind of defense, and no one is loved as much as they really want to be. And in America, no woman is happy with her bodyJ.

I also love learning that most faith traditions have been trying to help their members with this pain of being human for ages and ages. Each faith tradition has a version of “surrender” or “offering up” problems; there is an injunction in every religion and every faith tradition to be present, to be quiet, to be in the now, to listen to the voice of something other than fear.

My spiritual director recently said to me that the Gospel of Matthew says that we are “relieved of our afflictions by prayer and fasting.” I had heard those words before but always kind of thought of “fasting” as an extreme, old-fashioned measure. And maybe a tad too sacrificial. But then she explained, using 12-step language, that “afflictions” are like character defects and that what the Gospel writer was saying was, “don’t feed the character defect; don’t give it more food, energy or fuel.” I loved that.

I knew immediately that what I most need to fast from is fear. I feel fear twinges all day and I can feel when my mind wants to feed that fear a huge meal of energy and give it more fuel. What I am learning is that when I sense that start-up to a fear thought or a fear scenario—(and its always some future scenario) I can say, “Nope my fear friend; you are going on a diet”.

And of course I also need prayer to make this work. Praying to stay aware of those first, tiny impulses toward fear, praying for the courage to catch it and not “play with it”, and then praying for the willingness to fast from that fear.

“We are relieved of our afflictions by prayer and fasting.”

Do you have a particular character defect that might benefit from prayer and fasting?

Meditation and Fear

Again and again I take baby steps toward meditation. Years ago--30 years ago--I did TM Transcendental Meditation. Yes, the whole thing. $300 which was a fortune and the arm full of fruit and flowers for the Guru. Looking back I think it was one of my first gestures toward sanity...I was still drinking and in the throes of food addiction, swirling in the madness of untreated ACOA survival...but some part of me wanted what the TM people promised. I wanted freedom from fear and all the pain I was carrying around and trying to medicate.

Yesterday I read about a study reported in Hospital Psychiatry Magazine describing participants who meditated for 20 minutes a day for eight weeks. They showed a 38% reduction in psychological distress and a 44% decrease in anxiety. That in itself, is impressive. And what I want.

Here is a quote from the article:

"Fear, like pain, is a messenger. Pain tells us that something physical needs attention; fear tells us that something emotional needs attention. If we can honor fears by feeling them--we can heal and release them. Fear is not the enemy. Pushing it down or denying it is what causes problems."

Now I think about that quote and I think about the idea that Faith and Fear can't occupy the same space. Wrong. They have to occupy the same space. Feel the fear in--and with--the faith that it can resolve; that it can teach me; that I can be healed by feeling it.

And sit quietly.

That's the hard part still.

Ah Ha! Humility

I have been having the most ego-ish couple of days. Fear and ego and “Do they like me?” “Am I good?” and “Do they think this of me or that of me?” Exhausting. The dog of my mind is yap yap yap. I know better, but when have we ever been saved by intellect?

The bad news: this feels like my newcomer brain. The good news: I have tools. The better news: I finally remembered to use them :)

I prayed, wrote in my journal, wrote to my sponsor, read some literature and walked really fast for 30 minutes. (Move a muscle--change a thought.)

It didn’t change right away—in fact it’s still nudging at me this minute. But when I sat to meditate I started to pray that my insecurity be replaced by confidence but then a wonderful thought came, “No what you need to pray for is humility, “Please replace my insecurity with humility.” Ahhhh, that’s it.

“Humility is perpetual quietness of the heart”. Dr. Bob said that. Humility is being right-sized—not good or bad, but one among many. ahhhhhhh…….

The Short Version

I ate, I drank, I shopped, I “dated”, I worried, obsessed and I began to recover. All the addictions were and are about not feeling; trying to fill that hole inside. And what is that? I think it’s this:

Someone, somewhere, a long time ago wounded me. The fear it left in me remains as anxiety and a desire to seek and then control love, and as a blind spot to the love that is all around me.

Sleeping with Bread

A favorite book of mine is called, “Sleeping with Bread” by Dennis, Sheila and Matt Linn. It’s about a simple discernment process that the Linns teach—helping us to see what matters and what brings us joy.

My favorite part of this book is the story that gives the book its title. This is the story:

“During the bombing raids of World War II thousands of children were orphaned and left to starve. The fortunate ones were rescued and placed in refugee camps where they received food and good care. But many of these children who had lost so much could not sleep at night. They feared waking up to find themselves once again homeless and without food. Nothing seemed to reassure them. Finally, someone hit upon the idea of giving each child a piece of bread to hold at bedtime. Holding their bread, these children could finally sleep in peace. All through the night the bread reminded them, “Today I ate and I will eat again tomorrow.”

I love everything about that story –the problem and the simple solution. I can relate to the persistence of old feelings and fears—and how any kind of deprivation can cast a long shadow.

Each time I read it I ask myself: What am I trying to hold on to now to meet a need that was in the long ago past? Are all my shoes a kind of “bread”? Old relationships? Old ways of relating to others? And what new bread might I ask for and hold instead? Bread is a spiritual metaphor in every faith—so what bread can I hold instead of shoes, scarves, resentments, jealousies and my sometimes puffy ego?

Faith: What is it Good For?

Here is a gem of an insight I picked up today from Brene Brown’s blog—(I’m loving this woman—her TED talk on authenticity and now her blog too). But here is what I read this morning and it hit home so hard and so well:

She writes, "As a lover of all things certain, I wanted faith to work like an epidural; to numb the pain of vulnerability. As it turned out, my faith ended up being more like a midwife - a nurturing partner who leans into the discomfort with me and whispers "push" and "breathe."


I don’t know about you but I have been  trying to use faith as an epidural, thinking, “Come on God take this feeling, take this fear.” And thinking there was something wrong with my faith if I still felt fear, anger, disappointment etc. Chastising myself with the idea that if my faith was stronger I’d be all that peace that passeth understanding, blissed out and calm in a crisis. Well, duh, yeah I was thinking I could use faith as a drug.

But Brown’s insight and wise phrasing—not an epidural but a midwife. It’s a whole new way of thinking about faith and the value of faith and the investment in my spiritual life.

A Prayer for Monday

It is Monday and I am filled with fear. Fear about writing and about work. Fear about relationships and love and mostly fear about whether I really know what to do with my life. I kneel to do my morning prayers. I read step seven. And then I open my daily meditation book and here—torn from another book—I have inserted this page with a prayer by Thomas Merton.


Merton’s prayer says this:

My Lord God,


I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that, if I do this, you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadows of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

There is some comfort in knowing that even Thomas Merton didn’t know what he was doing or whether he was doing the right thing. I smile though, noting that he does not say there won’t be perils, just that he won’t face them alone.

Well, that’s Monday too.

Courage

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.

--Karl Barth, Swiss Theologian

Little Match Girl

I have had a “Little Match Girl” feeling for a long, long time. An alcoholic family, fear of not being loved, and social class issues swirled together with my own addictions and fears led to a bad case of always feeling on the outside looking in and way too much comparing my insides to other people’s outsides.

The rooms of AA are a great corrective. I get to hear about the insides of people and I get to see the disconnect between insides and outsides.

Yesterday I was telling folks in my home group about my current fears and how intimidated I am by someone at work and they all gave me that long look and said, “But you look so together, so competent and never scared.”

Outside looking in. Appearances are not reality.

But I was telling another friend about my ultimate fear and the way one scary thought can race down the hill taking me all the way to homelessness in three seconds. “It’s the bag lady thing” I told her. Someone doesn’t like me and in seconds my head convinces me that I’ll be a bag lady. Well, she said, A bag lady is just the little match girl, but grown up. Huh.

Audre Lord

“When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.”


--Audre Lord

Tip Toe Past Your Fear

This week I read about taking baby steps to accomplish goals. Nothing new there; we’ve heard this: take baby steps; chunk it down; break your goal into manageable pieces. But what was new to me was this: When we set a big goal, the flight or fight part of our brain is activated. The reason to take teensy tiny steps is to bypass the fear center of the brain—so it doesn’t react by scaring us into procrastination or into over-drive in the wrong direction.

So sneak up on yourself. Teensy tiny baby steps. Sneak past the fear.

Stop Signs

I’m still working on stopping the fear. I don’t believe the saying that God and fear cannot occupy the same space. I know people mean well when they say that but I can believe in God and be scared at the same time. So can you. So what’s a girl—with a million years of recovery—to do?

This is also humility folks: I looked up obsessive thinking and found tons of resources on yes, thought-stopping.

Now I’m making this into a game. This is a way to use my character defects to improve my character. I like to compete and I like to win and yes just a teeny tad of perfectionism here too. So apply that to thought stopping and you get a contest:
Can I catch the scary thoughts when they are forming or overtaking my head?
Can I interrupt them in creative ways: stop sign, airplane, ocean waves, man running up to tell me I won a MacArthur Grant and the New York State Lottery
Shift my thinking to what I’ll do with all that money and all that time.
Reward myself—oooh the rewards—when I am successful at stopping the fear.

Bigger than Fear

“What you believe in must be bigger than what you are afraid of.”

This quote from Kim Klein came to me years ago in a work setting. I keep it as a reminder to not be intimidated by bosses, board members or people that scare me. Today I think it also applies to recovery. Do I believe in recovery? The process of recovery? If I do then I can make that bigger than my fear about the economy, aging and even swine fluJ.

Belief and Fear

I have been thinking a lot about old beliefs and how they feed my fears. Yes, old childhood stuff—beliefs that I am not loveable, will be abandoned, am defective and must subjugate myself to redress all of the above. The schema—as they are called in cognitive therapy—do scheme. They conspire and work together. The fear of being unlovable is built on the belief of being defective, so how could you love me? Therefore you’ll abandon me. To try to prevent that I subjugate myself and then I get mad at you and at me. A merry-go-round of bad beliefs and bad feelings.

To break the cycle I have to have new beliefs. We say “old tapes” but now I know they are so deeply imbedded that they are closer to subliminal messages. I do the work of catching and changing those messages when I am aware of them but so often I seem to “come to” in the middle of being convinced of one of the fear thoughts: “he doesn’t love me” or “they want to fire me” or “I’ll be alone and broke”.

There is so much that I can do about this but after that it really is God’s work. I think that’s what steps six and seven are about…do what I can to change these underlying beliefs—they are after all what leads to lying, cheating, gossiping and being mean.

But I also need God to help me and heal me and that is my ongoing prayer.

Courage and Fear

Here is a quote that I love and try to remember:


“When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.”

--Audre Lord

Emotional Pilates

A friend emails me and says, “I want new insides”. I tell her, “Me too.” This is one of those days that I just want relief from the fear. After all this time, years of recovery, therapy, healing and I get blindsided by fear. It happens that I am home sick today—an “experiment” my therapist calls it: Take time off and take care of yourself. So I cancel my weekend plans and I take this day. I get a massage and I read. The boyfriend calls and he says “Go to New York” and I think, “He wants me to go away.” I check my email from work and the bookkeeper says, We need more money”, and I think, “This is it, I’ll get fired.”

But I go for a walk and I wrestle with the angel of fear: Fear wants me to believe that bad things will happen. The shred of recovery that I have today says, “Hold on”. So I talk back. I pray. I think it through. There is some relief but these muscles are weak. This is like emotional Pilates. I have to strengthen my core beliefs. My habit is to succumb to the fear. But I make a tiny stride, a tiny advance this time.

Here is what I come to: I am determined NOT to be run ragged by fear even if the thing I fear actually happens (which it never does: get fired, man leaves me, friends desert me) it is still better than living in fear.

Fear or Fatigue?

After a long weekend I headed out to a series of meetings today and I could feel the anxiety begin. It hit me that part of the fear is really fatigue…I’m tired from the weekend so I can’t be sure I have my best self on. I don’t feel mentally sharp enough, and the part of me that wants to turn around and go home really wants to go home to sit in the big chair with hot chocolate.

I’m tired!

Why does it take so long to accurately diagnose that?

How often does fear mask fatigue?