Desire and Addiction

I have surrendered alcohol, drugs, food and it’s myriad forms of addiction (consuming it, not consuming it, shapes, colors, obsessions, diets—healthy and other) and always in the background are things. Yes, addiction to things. As a kid it was toys, books and clothes. As a teen it was books, make up and clothes, as an adult: books, artwork and yes, clothes.

When you start making a home or homes the number of possible things expands. I can tell myself I have become more reasonable about clothes but find myself “collecting” table linens, serving dishes, candles, bedding. Then I say, “OK, your home is nice enough and let that go and see the lure of shoes—“Well, they are comfort shoes after all” I rationalize.

But really—aren’t all clothes comfort? We are comforting our souls if not our actual physical bodies.

I write myself little notes when I have an insight or idea and then I tuck them away where I might come across them when needed. Here is one I wrote to myself more than a year ago and it is dead on perfect—and new—for where I am today. My little card says:

“I don’t have to own things just because they are beautiful or appealing. I can see them, appreciate them and leave them where they are. Owning something decreases its value and then I just want something else; then I just want the next thing.”

More from Don Bisson's Retreat

Here are a few more gems from the retreat at Wisdom House with Don Bisson. (See more on this blog from April 18). The retreat was about Spirituality and Sexuality and Don gave us a Jungian perspective on both. Here are some of Don’s ideas that I am pondering:

“The skills of intimacy with another person are the same skills needed for intimacy with God.”

 “When we are threatened in any way we turn to food because eating is a primary form of self-preservation. It’s not true body hunger; it is the body’s first way to protect and preserve itself in the face of physical threat. But we use it for what we perceive as emotional threat.”

“When we don’t feel in control we demonize that element which is pushing us, (food, sex, work…).”

“Our sexuality has a shadow side because we are human, but that does not mean that sexuality is the shadow side. We often confuse this.”

“If you block off your sexual energy you won’t have access to your creative self.”

Addiction and Relationships

A couple of weeks ago I went to Wisdom House in Connecticut for a retreat with Don Bisson, a Marist Brother who is also a Jungian analyst. That’s a combination, huh? Don gives many retreats each year for spiritual directors and they attract people in recovery who like this combination of psychology and spirituality.

I learned so much, and I’m still digesting a lot, but here are a couple of thought provoking gems from my notes:

“At the core of an addiction is an energy that wants to take your life. An addiction wants nothing less than your entire life.”—Marion Woodman

“The purpose of marriage is to find the right person to force you to individuate.  Most people’s expectations of life are too low: The goal of life is not happiness, but individuation.

Your unconsciousness will choose the person who will push your individuation.” –Don Bisson

“So always be asking yourself: What is this person calling on in me? What am I projecting onto him? Can I pull back this projection—pull it back into myself? What part of me am I seeing out there on this other person? How can I integrate that part of me?”—Don Bisson

Now, that gives me something to chew on today!

Emotional Habits, Dance and Addiction

Below is a link to a great article at Psychology Today. Kimmer LaMothe is a writer/dancer/farmer and I love her ideas. Take a look at this and try this conversation at your dinner table. Be sure to read all the way to the end to see what she has to say about dance.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-body-knows/201203/emotional-habits-the-key-addiction

Sobriety is a Habit

I'm listening to the new book, "The Power of Habit"by Charles Duhigg. He's a New York Times reporter who has looked at all the recent research on behavior change and habit formation. Fascinating. In this book you can learn how McDonald's works, and how Cinnabon works and yeah, how AA works.

I know, you thought we'd already read "how it works" but Duhigg is writing about and interviewing brain scientists about how AA works neurologically. Now, you may not want to actually know that--it's a bit like learning how law and sausage are made but we long timers can handle it--and there won't be any real surprises in learning that AA replaces old triggers with new ones and changes the brain's reward system. We get that; we just use other words for the process. But Duhigg ties all that to cognitive theory.

It's a little unsettling though to hear AA protocols described by someone who has no personal contact with AA...kinda makes the Third Step sound weird...but ya know...

But the kicker in this--and it crosses over AA, smoking, nail biting and football strategy in this cognitive theory world: the "X" factor is belief. When I heard that part I laughed out loud in my car. the mystery key is belief.

That's the part that all of us know with out cracking a psych text book or visiting a lab at MIT.

Believe it.

Addiction is on the Menu

You have heard the jokes. Shopping addiction, chocolate addiction, TV addiction, shoes too. And they are jokes. But they are not. Twelve-step recovery has given the rest of the world and popular culture the idea of addiction and recovery, “ Hi, I’m Max and I’m a Shoe Addict."

But stay in AA long enough and you learn that there is truth in every joke.

I’m re-reading “When Society Becomes an Addict” by Anne Wilson Schaef. Her ideas and concepts permeate our self-help vocabulary. One of her bold moves in this 1987 book was to describe Substance addictions and Process addictions. Substance—something taken into the body that is mood changing and almost always leads to physical addiction. Process--behaviors or interactions that can be used to change our mood.

We know this. Bill Wilson knew it too.  In early recovery many of us read that little pamphlet from Hazelden called, “Transferring Addictions.” I remember being so mad when a sponsor gave me that one but it hit home.

Here are some of the things Schaef lists as substance addictions: alcohol, drugs, nicotine and caffeine, sugar, sometimes salt, (Betcha can’t eat just one.) and all food –which can be a substance and/or process addiction. And her list of process addictions includes eating, dieting, exercise, television, gambling, sex, work, religion, worry and spending or saving money. We can add Facebook, LinkedIn, IPhone, Words with Friends, Angry Birds and on and on and on….

Here’s the tricky part, and why I continue to need ongoing discernment with other people in recovery: the process addictions are often things that have very good qualities. Think about exercise. We get in shape, we get a good habit of running or going to the gym, but what happens when we miss a day or can’t work out for an hour? Are we furious? In a bad mood? Change our behavior with others to get that workout back? Are we afraid? I’ve been there with exercise.

Shopping? Who doesn’t want to look nice or wear clothes that are becoming? But do we obsess? Spend money we don’t have? Wander the mall in a trance? I’ve done all that.

Ditto with food and work and worry. Does the behavior help me to not feel feelings I’d rather not feel? Feelings that, if I felt them all the way through, would help me to grow? Keeping very busy is my favorite and longest lasting addiction. My friend Brigid likes to remind me, “Feelings can’t hit a moving target.”

Here is something that helps me with this discernment: Marion Woodman, Jungian analyst and teacher said, “The natural gradient in us is toward growth. Whatever we use repeatedly and compulsively to stop that growth is our particular addiction."

The Short Version

I ate, I drank, I shopped, I “dated”, I worried, obsessed and I began to recover. All the addictions were and are about not feeling; trying to fill that hole inside. And what is that? I think it’s this:

Someone, somewhere, a long time ago wounded me. The fear it left in me remains as anxiety and a desire to seek and then control love, and as a blind spot to the love that is all around me.

Out of the Woods and Into More Feelings

As I approach my anniversary I’m thinking about why I started this blog and this book. When I was ten years sober I realized that there were some things that were different or new in the ways I lived my sober life. When I talked with other women who had ten-plus years, I heard similar observations and questions.

For most of us the raw pain of early days was past but new kinds of pain or “strong emotion” emerged. When alcohol was put down and step work was moving along we began to see the other ways that we tried to stop feeling. Most of us had done at least one version of transferring addictions. Food, shopping, relationships, work, sugar, worry, exercise, TV, and on and on.

So this week it hit me –as I lived through some yucky feelings of jealousy, resentment and shame—that in some ways recovery gets harder. There are fewer “medicators” or distractions. More self-awareness means there is a shorter period of time in which I can indulge in a belief that “they” are my problem. In our early recovery days we heard about how uncomfortable it is to have “A head full of AA and a belly full of beer”. Ditto that with having a head full of AA and a heart full of resentment. You don’t even get to indulge in the fun part before the AA head says, “Uh huh, and your part is…?” Or “Oh might this be a projection?” Or “How nice of you who claims to be a spiritual person.”. Yes, yuck.

And while I don’t think to have a drink I might think a new sweater, some candy or another workshop will fix me up, but then I remember that I know the false solution each of those represents and “Sit still and Feel” becomes the only possible—uncomfortable—solution.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m grateful beyond belief for these years of sober life but sometimes I want some polka dot band-aids and red licorice and the cashmere comfort of unawareness.

To Buy or Not to Buy...that IS the question

When we are traversing these woods of recovery we often circle around to earlier issues or slowly sift thru other behaviors and find more subtle addictive behaviors underneath. For many “Out of the Woods” travelers we come again to look at our relationship behaviors—that is at the heart isn’t it? And we also begin to look at the addictions of daily life: food, work and money.

I’m reading the book, “To Buy or Not to Buy” written by April Lane Benson, a psychologist specializing in the treatment of compulsive shopping. Yeah, I want to stop right there. “Who me?” but Yes.

For some people compulsive shopping is a primary addiction and for others it’s secondary—our drug or alcohol problem was first or more blatant and shopping too much or “retail therapy” gets a wink and a laugh. Until it doesn’t.

Here is one of the eye openers for me from Benson’s book: The shades and variations of compulsive shopping support its denial much the same way that variations may have kept us in denial about our drinking.

Compulsive shopping can look like any of these:

Daily over shopper; occasional shopper but binge when you do; a collector (often a male form of over shopping); shopping excessively for others; compulsive gift giver; buying multiple versions of the same thing; relentlessly hunting for bargains; constantly buy and return (like binge and purge); constant searching at flea market, garage sale or thrift shop.

You might think, “Well, that kind of covers everybody.” But remember back to when you assumed that everybody drank and then in early recovery you realized that a lot of people didn't? Similar deal. Dam.

Check out Benson’s website where you can read more about this and even take a little quiz. Yeah, fun, right?

www.stoppingovershopping.com

It's All about Dopamine

In this week’s Science Section of the New York Times there’s a great interview with Dr. Nora Volkow—Director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse. (See the link below). She talks about the neurobiology of addiction—the biochemistry of the brain for alcoholics and addicts and she describes how any favorite substance plays with Dopamine receptors: release more, block uptake, suppress nerve cells that inhibit release.

Here is the case for brain change in addiction and why it may really be a disease—not just a metaphoric disease—after all.

So maybe the term “dope fiend” turns out to be correct for all of us. It’s all about dopamine.

Read more here:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/14/science/14volkow.html

The Sugar Monkey

The Sugar Monkey – Together

There is always another layer and perhaps another addiction worth looking at. Click on the link above to read a great article in Together about sugar and candy addiction. And how perfect for this week. Peppermint Bark anyone?

Shoes Shoes Shoes

Can shoes be an addiction? It’s one of those things that you have to sort out for yourself. Maybe asking yourself if your shopping feels compulsive? Secret? Shameful? Is it hurting you? Getting in the way of something else you want? Or is it fashionable? Frivoulous? Fun? Sometimes a shoe is just a shoe. Not really. For men shoes are just shoes. But even then, no. Shoes are always screaming billboards of personal identity.

In Chris Cleave’s new novel, “Incendiary” one of the lead characters is explaining to her new friend why she has to change her shoes in order to change her life and she says, “Good luck adores good shoes.”

AddictionLand

I friend recommended the blog “AddictionLand.com” to me this week and I have been reading non-stop. I think you will like this too. AddictionLand covers all kinds of addictions: food, sex, drugs and anger addiction too and the stories are powerful.

Another woman’s story of addiction and recovery—and lots of expert resources here as well.

additionland.com/blogs

Hidden in a Bottle

Yesterday a friend spoke at the Saturday meeting. He’s been sober a long time and in recovery he learned to sail and bought a sail boat. His face fills with light when he says the word, “sailing”. He told the group that a couple of years ago, at a craft sale, he found a stained glass sun catcher that is a picture of a sailing boat inside a bottle. He hung this in his kitchen window and each morning, when he has his coffee, he is reminded that his love of sailing was hidden for years inside his bottles of booze.

It got me thinking:

What is trapped in my bottle? What is trapped in your bottle? What is trapped in your addiction? In your box of cookies? In your pill box? In your codependence? Is your artist trapped in your husband’s sock drawer? Is your love of dance trapped in your daughter’s struggles? Is your freedom trapped in your ex-wife’s new life? Is my next book trapped in my obsession with my boyfriend’s ex?

Picture that bottle—it could represent any addiction.--and even after years of recovery we still have something. What’s trapped in there? You may know or you may be in for a wonderful surprise when that bottle, box of candy or too long work schedule breaks open and spills its secret delights like a big piñata.

Yes, there are painful things inside our addictions—stuff we don’t want to feel or think about or remember --but like the sailboat in a bottle we also have talents and treasures in there too. There are gifts hidden in our addictions that will light up our faces just like my friend’s face when he says the word, “sailing.”

Growth or Addiction

Marion Woodman, the fabulous Jungian analyst, says that the natural gradient in us is toward growth. Whatever we use repeatedly, and compulsively to stop that growth is our addiction.

So in addition to alcohol and food I am also using worry and work and fear thoughts as my addiction. They stop me from growing and they distract me from my natural gradient toward growth.

What stops you? Even after years of recovery from drugs and alcohol is there a behavior or thing or way of being that is stopping your growth?

When is a Cookie Just a Cookie?

Therapy today and home to write. Many old feelings stirred up and old beliefs are screaming at me. I don’t think of taking a drink but I think: hot chocolate with marshmallow cream; two Dunkin Donuts; one of those chewy cookies left over from Christmas dunked in a strong decaf.

When is it OK to soothe myself with food and when is it better to say “Don’t pick up” even to a cookie? When is it OK to take to my bed or to the couch or to the TV? When is buying new shoes an act of self-care and giving myself a treat and when is it a way to numb and block the feelings?

Years ago in Overeaters Anonymous I used to hear the difference between recovery in AA compared to recovery in OA explained like this:

In AA you put the tiger in his cage and keep him locked up. In OA you have to take the tiger for a walk three times a day.

I want to give the tiger a cookie. I want to let the tiger cry.

Addiction from Richard Rohr

Our addictions are the parts of ourselves that drain away our deepest desire. They use up our spiritual desire. They are the things that will NEVER satisfy.


Richard Rohr
from “How to Breath Underwater”

How I Know I'm an Addict

The homeopathic remedy says “take three drops” and I take ten, three times a day.

When I leave the doctor’s office with estrogen and an antibiotic I think, “Look, I scored some meds.”

When I put on my new shirt and I like the way it looks I don't say, “Great choice, I look nice.” Instead I think, “I’ve got to get three more of these.”

When the one pound bag of coffee is half empty I panic and buy another. I need to keep at least one full package in the cupboard. (I live five minutes from a 24-hour grocery store.)

Thornton Wilder's Wounds

Without your wounds where
would your power be? The
very angels themselves
cannot persuade the
wretched and blundering
children on Earth as can one
human being broken in the
wheels of living. In love’s
service, only the wounded
can serve.

--Thornton Wilder