Unwell Now and Then

Today I had one of those clear “Out of the Woods” moments. It was a clear distinction between early recovery and ten-plus years. Driving home from work I realized I was nodding off—I was beyond tired and feeling unwell. I pulled over and thought, “Am I sick?”. I was on my way to a meeting, so I began that head talk about being committed and how meetings must come first. In early recovery my sponsor taught me to go to my meeting No Matter What. If I wasn’t going to the hospital I’d be going to that meeting.

Today my recovery is different. That very process of recovery taught me that taking care of myself comes first. I can feel the difference between procrastination, avoidance and being unwell. I thought, “Pushing myself through exhaustion is just not the sign of healthy recovery.” So I made a phone call. And I came home.

Sex and Recovery

It’s what got many of us into recovery and it’s a marker of how far we’ve come. Sex. Pre-recovery we did it with too many people, the wrong people, the wrong gendered people or it was bad when we did it because we numbed out or didn’t have enough sense of self or self-esteem to get what we needed. In early recovery we may still have done it with the wrong people (the cute guy in our home group or the married guy who was 13^th stepping.)

We finally found our way to women’s meetings where it was safer to talk about sex, sexuality and relationships. We made women friends in recovery who were in similar life stages: wanting to date, newly divorced, new baby at home, perio-menopausal or post menopause, (“Where’s my Estrogen?”) We could talk and learn about sex and sexuality as it changes over the course of a woman’s life and we could apply principles of recovery to those stages. (Ambien? Really?)

Some of us found that the booze was hiding a different sexual preference, and some of us found that booze was covering up long buried traumas and past sexual abuse. If we stayed sober thru that hard stuff we did come into—or out, as the case may be, the sunlight of the spirit in our sexual affairs as well.

That’s healing.

This month our magazine, The Grapevine, has a cover headline that says, “All About Sex” and feature stories about healing in our sexual lives, and some of the sexual issues that face us in recovery—and in our meetings. Read the one called, “Confessions of a 13^th Stepper”.

We endeavor to practice these principles in all our affairs. Yes, all of our affairs.

Waking Up

I love early morning AA meetings. For the first 15 years of my sobriety my home group in Baltimore was a 7am meeting that met every day and I got there most days. I don’t have a meeting like that now in upstate New York, but on vacation on Cape Cod I go to a 6:30 am meeting and I love it because I’m awake before my ego is. I can hear the messages. What I heard this morning was this line from the Big Book, “Upon awakening we ask God to direct our thoughts.” There it is again. Thinking.

Crying in AA

I cried in a meeting today. It’s been a long time since I have done that. It didn’t feel good when the words were burbling out of me and I was thinking, “All these years and I’m crying because my feelings were hurt.” I was sad and unsettled by my emotions, especially because my damp sharing followed “younger” AA-er’s who spoke of gratitude and goodness and God.

But later I thought of my own gratitude for this place where I can go and that even when I try to look good, it is safe enough for the true me of that moment to come out in grace or in garbled sobs. After the meeting I got hugs and recommendations that included gratitude, goodness and God.

The Newcomer

We say it over and over: The newcomer is the most important person in the room. For years I thought that was a kind of generous or gracious statement, kind of a Junior-League-ish way of making an especially gushing welcome. Later I thought it was philosophical; a reminder that those of us with more time need to put ourselves aside and attend—with businesslike determination to the new person in the room.

Yesterday I was reminded that our focus on the newcomer is neither of these. It is in fact stunningly selfish and deeply rewarding. Again, the paradox of this program: a selfish program requiring selfless service.

In yesterday’s meeting we addressed the concerns of a woman with two days sober. She spoke of her physical discomfort and the flooding of emotions she was experiencing. One after another people with sobriety ranging from three months to 27 years spoke to those feelings, memories and crucially the strategies they learned in AA and used to manage all of that. It was a fabulous tool kit for anyone with any amount of sobriety. I took it all in while feeling the collective love in the room pulling for the newcomer and in awe of the collective wisdom available in a room full of drunks.

Meetings

Yesterday, still struggling with my ever present fears, I had this thought:
What if I went to more meetings?

It’s kind of like that, “I could’ve had a V-8” commercial.

Someone had asked me how, in early recovery, I dealt with the ever-present fears then as I was beginning to let go of additions to alcohol and food—and I thought: “Well, I went to a meeting every day, talked about what was going on almost every day, called someone—or several some ones—in the program every day”. What I did in my first three, five and ten years was to use the program...all the tools. And now so many years later I think I have to think my way through my fears and depend on myself to rout these fear related thoughts.

What if I went to more meetings?

Speaking at a Meeting

Tonight I will speak at a meeting for a friend. She is celebrating 31 years and has asked me to speak. All week she has emailed to say thanks, and looking forward to it and that she is inviting this one who needs to hear a powerful message and she is inviting that one who cannot stay sober and won’t it be good to hear my story.

The pressure is on.

I think—of course—that I want to say it all and be it all for all of them: to inspire the reluctant one, encourage the struggling one and praise the celebrating one. But what I will really do is pray this afternoon and again tonight before the meeting. I will say, “Please let me carry your message and not my ego. Please use me as your channel, please let others hear what they need to hear whether I say it or not. God, I surrender this meeting to you.”

After the meeting I will try very hard to remember that I said and meant that prayer.

Snow Storm

Big snow today following last week’s ice storm. What I remember is this: If I think I can’t get to a meeting because of the weather just remember when I used to go out in any kind of weather and at any hour for (a drink, some food, a man, a sale)—Insert appropriate addiction here. And then laugh, and go to a meeting!

New Meetings

I am trying new meetings and going back to old ones. I feel the need to connect, hear new voices, reenter my AA community. I have a home group and I do service but I do not feel connected. AA is the center of my recovery. I want to stay sober because that is the ground under all the other therapy, body work, healing and change. I feel like I am sitting just outside it now and I don’t like that. I know the answer: Go to meetings, raise my hand, speak to people, tell the truth.