Unwell Now and Then

Today I had one of those clear “Out of the Woods” moments. It was a clear distinction between early recovery and ten-plus years. Driving home from work I realized I was nodding off—I was beyond tired and feeling unwell. I pulled over and thought, “Am I sick?”. I was on my way to a meeting, so I began that head talk about being committed and how meetings must come first. In early recovery my sponsor taught me to go to my meeting No Matter What. If I wasn’t going to the hospital I’d be going to that meeting.

Today my recovery is different. That very process of recovery taught me that taking care of myself comes first. I can feel the difference between procrastination, avoidance and being unwell. I thought, “Pushing myself through exhaustion is just not the sign of healthy recovery.” So I made a phone call. And I came home.

Sick Day

When are you sick enough for a sick day?

This is one that has plagued me since early recovery and still catches me. Part of it is perfectionism. Part of it is being unique. Other people take time off for colds and flu and stomach bugs. But I am never sure. Today I’m tired, aching, coughing. I’ve been up all night, but what I think of is the work on my desk and the appointments that would need to be cancelled.

This too is about being a worker among workers. Can I accept that I’m human, that I get sick and that the world would not end? These are the words I say to others. I say, “Take care of yourself.” But when it is my turn I am never sure if I am sick enough for a sick day.