Be a Good Tenant

Each morning I sit on the couch with my coffee and before I read my three newspapers I like to read something that inspires me or redirects my thinking. I have a big pile of recovery and spiritual and self-help books. One of my favorites is a small paperback called, "The Soul Workout" by Helen H Moore. The subtitle is "Getting and Staying Spiritually Fit". I like that. I can relate my recovery to fitness, Pilates, running, swimming so this book always hits home.

Here's a gem from today's reading:

"Live like a good tenant who is asked to house-sit a mansion. (Because that's actually what you are.) Don't treat your body or your life like a rock star in a hotel room."

Getting Your Needs Met in a Relationship

I come back to a favorite book by David Richo. It’s called; “Daring to Trust” and it was published in 2010. Whenever I dip into it I get a gem or a jolt --and always what I need.

Today I read this:

“Parents are expected to fulfill 100 percent of our needs in our early life, including safety and security. As adults, we learn to find need fulfillment in ourselves, in our friends, in our family, in our career, in our spiritual program, in nature and in other resources that we discover. We then do not rely on a partner, or on any person, for more than 25 percent of our need fulfillment.  This includes our need for safety and security.”

Holy Cow! “ No more than 25%”.  I definitely did not get the instruction book. But it is “progress not perfection.” Years ago I could not have read that sentence without fear. Today, reading it feels like a mid-course correction. It’s also a powerful reminder that I have to have friends, family, time in nature, work that I love, and a spiritual program so that I do not suffocate my relationship or paralyze myself.

It may be that the hardest time to grasp this 25% concept and to implement this is when a loved one is ill or disabled…but it’s still true then. Gail Sheehy writes about the need for spouses who are caregivers. At the VERY time is feels impossible it’s crucial to go toward the self.

Yes, I know. Easier said than done. But that is why I love Richo’s book. I can dip in, read a bit and self-correct. Or I can call a friend and say, “Really?”

Twelve Steps for Family Caregivers

The Twelve Steps are central to my life, and probably to yours too. No matter how long we’ve been around, the steps are at the center. I have found that I can apply them to many parts of my life and to substances, behaviors and relationships. Whether or not we are struggling to address an addiction, or an addicted family member, the philosophy of the steps is both practical and inspirational.

Another big part of my life is caregiving. I’ve been a family caregiver for many years and I teach and coach caregivers, blog about caregiving, and give workshops on cancer caregiving and “sandwich generation” caregivers.

And now I have found a book that applies the practice of AA’s Twelve Steps directly to family caregiving and caregivers.

The book is, “Self-Care for Caregivers—A Twelve Step Approach”, by Pat Samples and Diane and Marvin Larsen. Pat is the editor of The Phoenix—a personal growth newsletter and Marvin and Diane are experienced family caregivers. This book is published by Hazelden.

Given the current demographic bump of Baby Boomers and the rapid aging of our region and nation this is a great resource. With changes in health care—including the unintended consequences of better healthcare—that we will all live longer but with multiple disabilities—there is a greater than ever demand on family caregivers.

Of course the millions of us who are in recovery will eventually become family caregivers and so the book offers us guidance on how the 12-steps can help us in that phase of life. Stay sober long enough and you will be a caregiver and you will need one too. How we will do “life on life’s terms” in that scenario may be the ultimate test of our recovering lives.  This book can be a help.

Unwell Now and Then

Today I had one of those clear “Out of the Woods” moments. It was a clear distinction between early recovery and ten-plus years. Driving home from work I realized I was nodding off—I was beyond tired and feeling unwell. I pulled over and thought, “Am I sick?”. I was on my way to a meeting, so I began that head talk about being committed and how meetings must come first. In early recovery my sponsor taught me to go to my meeting No Matter What. If I wasn’t going to the hospital I’d be going to that meeting.

Today my recovery is different. That very process of recovery taught me that taking care of myself comes first. I can feel the difference between procrastination, avoidance and being unwell. I thought, “Pushing myself through exhaustion is just not the sign of healthy recovery.” So I made a phone call. And I came home.

Build a House with Boundaries

When we were using we had none. As we recovered we learned to set them and we also experienced them being set around us.

A former therapist explained boundaries this way: Imagine yourself as a house. If the house across the street burns down, you feel bad, but you have not burned down. But if your roof leaks that is your issue. Similarly, if the house next door gets remodeled, you can be happy, but that’s not yours to brag about or take credit for. Similarly you get to decide who gets to come into your yard, who gets to sit in your living room and who gets to see the bedroom. Having good boundaries means having people where you want them and not where they want to be.

You get the idea.

It also applies to emotions.

For years I kept a sticky note on my calendar that said: “If it doesn’t have your name on it, don’t pick it up.” In early recovery that meant don’t snoop in other people’s medicine cabinets or file drawers. But later, and still now, it means that I should not pick up other people’s fears, worries, or emotions of any kind if they don’t have my name on them. And almost none do. I don’t have to fix anyone’s life, and I can’t fix anyone’s problems. If someone has an addiction or a problem behavior, that is his or her property, not mine. Yes, this takes discernment. I can care, and I can offer resources, and I can always offer my experience, strength and hope, but other people’s emotions are not mine to fix.

Good boundaries are the best way to prevent resentment.

Recently I heard a spiritual teacher say: “Being compassionate requires strong boundaries.” It makes sense. When a person has good boundaries you know that their “Yes” is really a yes, and their “No” is really a no. That makes it possible to ask them for help, because you can be sure that if they give it there are no strings --and no guilt --attached.

Self-Care, Again

Today’s lesson: self-care. Why do I fight it? Someone pointed out that fighting self-care is paradoxically, a form of narcissism. “I should not be tired, ill, under the weather” etc. This should not be happening to me. But it is. Fighting self-care is also arrogant. “I’m too busy and important for this.” Ah, well.

Here I am with a cold, cough, tickle and sniffles. It simply is.

Acceptance. Surrender. Vitamins, hot lemon water, football, girly magazines: self-care.

Home Work

How important is it? You may be asked this when you are refolding the towels so that the nice curved edge lines up with all the others—or when you are searching again and again for the just right flatware—Ok, obsessing over finding the perfect flatware. But consider this:

“Home is a force that shapes our daily lives—Home is an emotional center that nourishes us and supports our innermost dreams.”

“By taking care of your home you are taking care of yourself—improving your home has a therapeutic effect…it makes a difference in the way you think and feel about yourself.”

From the book, “Apartment Therapy”