Relationships-All of It is All of It

When John was diagnosed with cancer shortly after we moved in together people said to me. “Well you have a fairly new relationship and now you are dealing with cancer too. How do you know where the relationship will go, and if it’s really OK?”

And when I thought about their questions I realized that, after a certain age, any time you enter a new relationship you are going to get a surprise—just like getting a prize in your Cracker Jack box. It might be stepchildren, bad credit, chronic illness, job dissatisfaction. It might be a crazy former spouse, or it might be cancer. It’s always something.

What seems to be crucial is that we can’t always separate the relationship from the things that come with it. Rather, it is about seeing those things as the factors you will deal with, or talk about, or maneuver around in the relationship. There is not “the relationship” and then also the cancer. It is folded together. Dealing with all of it is dealing with all of it.   

We don’t know who discovered water but it certainly wasn’t the fish. 

Getting Your Needs Met in a Relationship

I come back to a favorite book by David Richo. It’s called; “Daring to Trust” and it was published in 2010. Whenever I dip into it I get a gem or a jolt --and always what I need.

Today I read this:

“Parents are expected to fulfill 100 percent of our needs in our early life, including safety and security. As adults, we learn to find need fulfillment in ourselves, in our friends, in our family, in our career, in our spiritual program, in nature and in other resources that we discover. We then do not rely on a partner, or on any person, for more than 25 percent of our need fulfillment.  This includes our need for safety and security.”

Holy Cow! “ No more than 25%”.  I definitely did not get the instruction book. But it is “progress not perfection.” Years ago I could not have read that sentence without fear. Today, reading it feels like a mid-course correction. It’s also a powerful reminder that I have to have friends, family, time in nature, work that I love, and a spiritual program so that I do not suffocate my relationship or paralyze myself.

It may be that the hardest time to grasp this 25% concept and to implement this is when a loved one is ill or disabled…but it’s still true then. Gail Sheehy writes about the need for spouses who are caregivers. At the VERY time is feels impossible it’s crucial to go toward the self.

Yes, I know. Easier said than done. But that is why I love Richo’s book. I can dip in, read a bit and self-correct. Or I can call a friend and say, “Really?”