Advocacy for a Recovery Economy?

In the November issue of Renew Magazine there is a provocative article about advocacy and recovery. Steve Diogo interviews Christopher Kennedy Lawford. He writes: “To the recovery community, Lawford’s message is direct and simple: “Get out of your church basements and go do something.”

Here are a couple of other quotes from the article to think about:

“We need to know the science of addiction…and it doesn’t just apply to alcohol and drug addiction. We all know that addiction is a brain illness, and if someone has an alcohol issue they probably have a sex issue, probably have a gambling issue or an eating or shopping issue as well.”

“The American Cancer Society raises over a billion dollars each year to fight cancer. Cancer costs our nation one-third of what addiction costs, but you know how much we raise? Twenty million. That’s all you need to know. We need to get visible. We need to write checks. We need to create a recovery community. We need to create a recovery economy.”

This isn’t a brand new idea. Bill Wilson knew that recovery from alcoholism needed a public side and needed people who could put public words and faces to the issue. That’s why he was instrumental in creating The National Council on Alcoholism. There was AA—personal, anonymous and taking no position on outside issues, and The National Council that could educate, communicate and lobby.

But what do we do now? And how much does new technology and social media push this question? What do you think?

Five Great But Unexpected Books for Your Library

Recently Renew Magazine asked me to write about my five favorite books. When I looked at the shelves and shelves of recovery literature lining my office I was, at first, stumped. Just five? But then I thought, “What has really stuck to me or changed me?” Yes, the Big Book is on the first list, but Renew readers are recovery folks…they know about The Big Book and the Twelve & Twelve, but what are the great—but less obvious—recovery books that I love?

Here’s what I wrote:

Years ago a wise therapist helped me understand reading this way: “Books won’t save you and books won’t change you, but books will help you to build a cognitive life raft.” So here are five books I love that have helped me survive the roiling waters of recovery.

“Women Who Love Too Much”, by Robin Norwood is the book I owe my life to.  “WWL2M” was my intervention. I saw myself in that book when I couldn’t recognize myself in a mirror. Norwood’s stories gently coaxed me into 12-step rooms and into a belief in my own recovery. Almost 30 years later I cherish my original copy and I read it once a year.

“The Pilgrim’s Progress” by John Bunyan. This may be the first and the funniest “self-help” books. It was written in 1668 and it is one of the great narratives in the English language, and it feels as contemporary and relevant as last night’s sitcom. The language takes a few minutes to adjust to but then you blink and laugh, and laugh again, and recognize yourself, and people you know as Pilgrim trudges the road to happiness.

“Lit—A Memoir” by Mary Karr-- A smart woman learns from her mistakes; a wise woman learns from other people’s mistakes. So I love stories about what you did and then what happened. Mary Karr is the author of “The Lair’s Club” and also a poet. “Lit” –about parenthood, recovery and learning to write –and is perhaps one of the most beautiful and insightful stories about a woman’s journey to save her life.

 “Anna Karenina”—by Leo Tolstoy. Yes, it’s a novel, but Anna K. is the best relationship book ever written. It can show you how to make a marriage work and how to how to ruin one from the start. This is the book that wrote the book on infidelity. Even Women Who Love Too Much, doesn’t come close to what Tolstoy writes about emotional dependency and the impact of addiction on a family. .

“Reinventing Your Life” by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko. This is cognitive therapy for the layperson. It is the most easily digestible, directly applicable and simply practical guide to changing beliefs and thoughts. This book helped me when mining my past no longer felt productive and I realized that it was my thinking, rather than my drinking that was the issue.

Getting Your Needs Met in a Relationship

I come back to a favorite book by David Richo. It’s called; “Daring to Trust” and it was published in 2010. Whenever I dip into it I get a gem or a jolt --and always what I need.

Today I read this:

“Parents are expected to fulfill 100 percent of our needs in our early life, including safety and security. As adults, we learn to find need fulfillment in ourselves, in our friends, in our family, in our career, in our spiritual program, in nature and in other resources that we discover. We then do not rely on a partner, or on any person, for more than 25 percent of our need fulfillment.  This includes our need for safety and security.”

Holy Cow! “ No more than 25%”.  I definitely did not get the instruction book. But it is “progress not perfection.” Years ago I could not have read that sentence without fear. Today, reading it feels like a mid-course correction. It’s also a powerful reminder that I have to have friends, family, time in nature, work that I love, and a spiritual program so that I do not suffocate my relationship or paralyze myself.

It may be that the hardest time to grasp this 25% concept and to implement this is when a loved one is ill or disabled…but it’s still true then. Gail Sheehy writes about the need for spouses who are caregivers. At the VERY time is feels impossible it’s crucial to go toward the self.

Yes, I know. Easier said than done. But that is why I love Richo’s book. I can dip in, read a bit and self-correct. Or I can call a friend and say, “Really?”

Step Three is Affirmative Action

It actually says that in The "Twelve & Twelve".  It just goes to show how language and the meaning of terms can change over the years. But on page 34 it says, "Like all the remaining steps, Step Three calls for affirmative action."

Now I have read this book many times. I have my first copy still and it is underlined, dog-eared, scribbled in and I bet there are tears soaked into these pages. Always the question, "How?" How do I take the Third Step?

For so long I had this idea of Step Three being an inner action, a deep commitment, a moment when we surrender internally--maybe from a holy instance or maybe form hitting a wall of some kind--sort of a loud "Uncle!" moment. And I have had those and surrendered. But here is says, "It is only by action that we can cut away the self-will which has always blocked the entry of God into our lives."

(I must point out that it is not saying we do this to get sober but rather our goal is to get God into our lives--the fair assumption is that when we do get God or HP into our lives the drinking, drugging, shopping, sexing, eating and working will work themselves out.) Hmmmmm.

So what is the action? The next nine steps have us writing, calling, meeting, making lists, setting up chairs, going to meetings, confessing, sharing, praying, meditating,  and lending a hand in many big and small ways. So what is the action of step three? We can't just think, or even feel. We have to act, and affirmatively.

I'm chewing on this step this week. Let em know your affirmative actions and I'll share mine with you.

Twelve Steps for Family Caregivers

The Twelve Steps are central to my life, and probably to yours too. No matter how long we’ve been around, the steps are at the center. I have found that I can apply them to many parts of my life and to substances, behaviors and relationships. Whether or not we are struggling to address an addiction, or an addicted family member, the philosophy of the steps is both practical and inspirational.

Another big part of my life is caregiving. I’ve been a family caregiver for many years and I teach and coach caregivers, blog about caregiving, and give workshops on cancer caregiving and “sandwich generation” caregivers.

And now I have found a book that applies the practice of AA’s Twelve Steps directly to family caregiving and caregivers.

The book is, “Self-Care for Caregivers—A Twelve Step Approach”, by Pat Samples and Diane and Marvin Larsen. Pat is the editor of The Phoenix—a personal growth newsletter and Marvin and Diane are experienced family caregivers. This book is published by Hazelden.

Given the current demographic bump of Baby Boomers and the rapid aging of our region and nation this is a great resource. With changes in health care—including the unintended consequences of better healthcare—that we will all live longer but with multiple disabilities—there is a greater than ever demand on family caregivers.

Of course the millions of us who are in recovery will eventually become family caregivers and so the book offers us guidance on how the 12-steps can help us in that phase of life. Stay sober long enough and you will be a caregiver and you will need one too. How we will do “life on life’s terms” in that scenario may be the ultimate test of our recovering lives.  This book can be a help.

Running Yellow Lights

Last week I heard this great line: “Running yellow lights is not accepting life on life’s terms.” It’s so perfectly true—and it’s funny.

It got me thinking about all the ways that 12-step recovery is trying, trying, trying to teach us how to live life as it is—and on its terms --to limit our own pain—and the pain that we inflict on others.

Think about our sayings and slogans: One Day at a Time, Be Here Now and

“Look down at your feet and stay where they are”.

I think about all the discomfort that I struggle with, and how much it’s because I want to be somewhere other than here so often. Yesterday I had to walk several blocks from my office to another business and I realized that the whole time I was walking that I wanted to be a block ahead of where I was. Even though it was a beautiful day I wanted to be there rather than here. And, of course as soon as I got there, I wanted the next there not the here. It got my attention and I realized it’s a constant state of mind.

But it’s not just when I am walking. When I stop at an intersection I want to be on the other side of it, not on this side. When I read a book I want to know what happens instead of enjoying how the writer is leading me now. When I am listening to a CD I want to be on the next track or the next disc—not this one. No matter the form or place or idea, I want to be there. But when I get there I’m not really there at all; I’m still longing for the next there.

I do this with things too. I can long for a pair of new boots or handbag or coat, but shockingly soon after I get it, I’m thinking about some other thing that I imagine I’ll like. That thing will be the next right thing. I think it’s just another way of trying to get there instead of fully experiencing and being here.

As active addicts we saw all of our grasping and craving and clinging, and now in recovery we have softened our behavior and changed our medium. But still. When I drive through an intersection and think, “Here I go”, or when I want to be over there and not here, or when I want another bag, or coat or shoes I’m not living life on life’s terms. Maybe, just maybe, I could let that next yellow light be my clear signal.