When He Will Drink Anything

Maybe Raymond Carver was Poet Laureate of Alcoholism. For April here is his poem, NyQuil:


I knew a man
whose drink of choice was Listerine.
He was coming down off Scotch.
He bought Listerine by the case,
and drank it by the case. The back seat
of his car was piled high with dead soldiers. Those empty bottles of Listerine
gleaming in his scalding back seat!
The sight of it sent me home soul-searching. I did that once or twice. Everybody does. Go way down inside and look around.
I spent hours there, but
didn’t meet anyone, or see anything
of interest. I came back to the here and now, and put on my slippers. Fixed
myself a nice glass of NyQuil. 

Is Addiction a Form of Violence?

Here is a very provocative idea that I heard in a meeting recently. It shocked me but I thought, “I totally get that.”

A  woman was saying that we so often, in cases of domestic violence, hear the question, “But why didn’t she leave?” Why do women stay with someone who is abusive? It can seem contradictory or crazy or just make no sense…I mean, who would stay in a relationship that was hurtful, dangerous, life threatening?

Well all of us who have used drugs or alcohol or food addictively know how this works. For years we were in a terrible relationship with booze or drugs. It was a relationship that was progressively worse, but we kept hoping, kept rationalizing. “I can mange this” and “I can control this”, and “If I just change this or that…

Alcohol lied to us, beat us up, stole from us, humiliated us and then made promises,  “Next time will be different.” And we stayed and stayed. We lied to cover up, and we tried to be “better” addicts each time. Finally, when we were bloodied or when someone else saw what was really happening, we surrendered and then we left.

Blow Out a Light Bulb

“Reasoning with an addict is like trying to blow out a light bulb.”

That gem is from Anne Lamott’s new book, “Imperfect Birds”. We loved Anne’s “Bird by Bird” for writing advice, and her early book, “Operating Instructions” may be the best gift for a new or prospective parent. This new book, “Imperfect Birds” is about teens and parents and addiction and denial. Lots of good Lamott lines with just a teeny hint of preachy teaching. But this line is one of her gems: “Reasoning with an addict is like trying to blow out a light bulb.”

Stages of Relapse

Every month I review this list of the Eight Stages of Relapse. It’s a kind of mini-inventory or mental tune-up and reality check for me:

1. The beginnings of secret dissatisfaction.

2. Boredom or frustration at home or at work.

3. Relationships change.

4. Return of denial.

5. Emotional drift—away from significant others, friends, AA people, meetings, sponsor.

6. Anger and resentment.

7. Depression and dishonesty.

8. Relapse.

Denial

This morning the discussion topic in our meetings was denial. The first few speakers were bashing denial. Denial is bad, bad, bad. How silly is that? Would any of us be in recovery if it were not for denial? I know that my denial was really important and even life saving. If I had to grasp the whole picture of my addictions, the reasons behind my addictions and the consequences of my addictive behavior early on I would have killed myself. Even in early recovery denial was a life saver. If I had any clue what recovery would ask of me over the next twenty years I would have walked out the door in my first month.

No, denial kept me coming back. I thought perfect recovery was right around the corner. I thought my “cure” was in the next step, the next meeting and of course when I got that next chip: one year, five years, ten and yes, even the 20 year chip. Even now as I continue to work on my relationship with God and on my thinking it’s still true—some amount of denial is allowing me to stay with this process.

Melody Beatty –Codependent No More—writes about the importance of denial. She describes it as a warm blanket that we keep around us to keep us safe. We don’t run around tearing off people’s blankies—for their own good. But when we get warm and feel safe—slowly, slowly (by attending meetings and being loved in recovery) —then we loosen our own blanket and slowly let it drop.

In the meantime it is denial that lets us laugh and gossip and raise our hands to offer our experience strength and hope, and it is denial that comforts us as we trudge the road of happy destiny.