Step Ten Quick and Often

I’m working on Step Ten and, as is my way, I’m reading everything written about it. (Why act when you can prepare?)

But I come back to this simple recommendation from page 84 of the AA Big Book:

One: Watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear.

Two: Ask God at once to remove them.

Three: Discuss them with someone immediately.

Four: Make amends quickly.

Five: Turn our thoughts to someone we can help.

Here’s what strikes me: it’s not a lengthy process and it has a speed to it. Look at these words: “at once”, “immediately”, “quickly”, “turn”. This also suggests it’s not a nighttime activity as I had always assumed and practiced it. This suggests it’s on the spot, now, here, fast and in that immediacy and repetition many times during the day is the building of a habit. It’s kind of “Ooops. Help me. Dam. Sorry. Next.”

I’m also chewing on the idea that inventory includes the good and the bad, the saleable and the spoiled. So what part does looking at the good I did this day come into a 10th step inventory?

Step Four: The Big Book Way

A month ago I committed to a new Fourth Step. Over the years I’ve done several but it was time again. My sponsor was doing one too so it was perfect timing. I considered formats and thought about a couple of ways to write a fourth step and I made a few notes—actually quite random notes.

Then on Saturday morning at my home group the scheduled speaker didn’t show and a woman stepped in whose recovery I admire. She spoke about how she had worked the steps several times and that after a number of years in the program she did it the way it is outlined in the Big Book—“And”, she said, “I added the fourth column—the one that is not shown but that is described.”

I did not know what she was talking about. I’ve read the Big Book many times and I could picture the example--now on page 65—the one that shows the three column format: 1. “I’m resentful at:” 2. “The Cause” and then, 3. “Affects my:” But what was this fourth required column she was talking about?

So I read the chapter. And there it is described on pages 66 and 67: “We turned back to the list, for it held the key…” And “Referring to our list again…we resolutely looked for our own mistakes….Where were we to blame?”

This is the fourth column of the Big Book format for a Fourth Step: My part. My mistakes. My wrongs. My faults. Oh dam.

So now I have begun my new chart: not as hard as I imagined. I have plenty to fill in. And yes I can see and name my part and my faults but I’m looking forward to reviewing this with my sponsor. I know that doing this with her will help me give words to more parts that are mine and that sharing the less than nice, less than pretty, less than honorable parts of me with another person will invite a deeper process of healing to begin.

Stages of Relapse

Every month I review this list of the Eight Stages of Relapse. It’s a kind of mini-inventory or mental tune-up and reality check for me:

1. The beginnings of secret dissatisfaction.

2. Boredom or frustration at home or at work.

3. Relationships change.

4. Return of denial.

5. Emotional drift—away from significant others, friends, AA people, meetings, sponsor.

6. Anger and resentment.

7. Depression and dishonesty.

8. Relapse.

Ask the Right Questions

1. Is this an act of faith or an act of fear?
2. Is this an act of self-love or an act of self-sabotage?
3. Will this choice add to my life energy or rob me of my energy?
4. Does this choice empower me or disempower me?
5. Am I choosing from my divinity or my humanity?
6. Will this choice bring me long-term fulfillment or bring me short term gratification?
7. Am I standing in my power or trying to please someone?


from The Right Questions, by Debbie Ford

Make a List Make a Life

I have been reading the new book, Creating Your Best Life, by Caroline Adams Miller. Miller’s book takes the idea of the “bucket list”—all the things you want to do before you die—and adds to it by giving us tools and handy research-based techniques to help make the items on the list happen.

It will not surprise you that making a commitment to another person is one of the steps. We know that in recovery. Caroline provides the why and the how to back up that step. Reading her book got me so excited that I began to make my list which includes: Being sober a long, long time and Having a personal relationship with a God who loves me. Then I added some career goals, relationship goals and even intrapersonal goals—like getting rid of the scary schema that twist my mind into painful pretzels.

You can check out Caroline Millers book and ideas at her website: www.Carolinemiller.com.

What is on your list? Let’s support each other by naming what we want as a first step in making it happen.

The Examen

There is a spiritual practice called The Examen that is a kind of daily inventory and gratitude list combined.

Each evening you take a few minutes of quiet time and sit with a journal and write down the answers to these questions:

What gave me energy today?
What drained my energy today?

OR

What was I grateful for today?
What was I not grateful for today?

The idea of The Examen is that over time a pattern will be revealed that shows you where your real talents and gifts lie.

This idea of following pleasure or energy to discern one’s passions and talents is also described in Marion Milner’s book, “A Life of One’s Own.” Each night Milner looked over her day and asked herself what gave really her pleasure. A key insight that she shares in her book is that so often she—and we--try to enjoy something because others enjoy it rather than finding out what we really enjoy.

It strikes me that for women in recovery this may be a new kind of inventory and also a way to find where God is working in our lives.

It also reminds me of the fear I had early in recovery of turning my will over to God. I thought that if I did that God would want me to be a missionary in Africa or do something equally uncomfortable and hard. People with more recovery than me pointed out that God would not want me to be a missionary because I’d be a terrible, fussy one. God had other plans for me that more likely included the skills and preferences he designed into this model. Hard to get that. Even harder to believe it. But a practice like the Examen can tease this truth out.

Projection

I was reading an old journal today and I found this. It was from a book about Jung and facing one’s shadow:

When you find yourself having a strong reaction to another person or their behavior use this sorting criteria:
If something informs you it is information.
If something affects you it is projection.


Ouch! In the course of a day I notice a lot about other people, and yes, I am often affected: “She is never satisfied” “He is so selfish.” “She is just trying to get everyone to like her.” “He must be thinking about another woman.” “She must really want to beat me at this.” Then I use the criteria above and I find I have all of that in me. Is it true that we are most bothered by other people who have the characteristics we do not want to see in ourselves?