February's Cold

I wake in the night and listen. The reassuring rumble tells me that the furnace is still on. It’s good news and bad. It means we have heat but at this hour I visualize the dollar bills that might just as well be fuel. I don’t fall back to sleep easily. A glass of water, and check on the dogs, curled like Danish pastries on their pillows; I’m awake and afraid in the cold night.

With only 28 days, February is the longest month, and we secretly count it down. February is to winter what Wednesday is to the workweek: If we can get through February, even snow in April won’t rock us.

My fear of cold has an ancient echo. I listen for the furnace at night the way my Polish ancestors woke in their huts to check on the fire. In many wedding albums there is a picture of the groom carrying the bride over the threshold. That odd custom is also about staying warm. In ancient times when a woman left her father’s home and was set down on the hearth in her new house she was in the most important spot in any ancient home. She literally kept the home fires burning.

Temperature is part of my own married romance. Coming to New York from Baltimore –where there is just one decent snowstorm each year--I too was set down on a new hearth. I married a man who came from Northern Ontario where winter runs from September to May and wind chill is scoffed at. So I had to learn to dress for cold.

But physical acclimation is real. That first winter, living in upstate New York, I thought I’d die. My boots were good below freezing but my fingers could barely tie them. Each year it gets easier. Now I complain about the cold, but no longer imagine myself part of the Donner party.

But there is also an emotional acclimation to cold. A quote from Camus is taped inside the cabinet where I get my coffee mug each morning. It says: “In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” The word “invincible” that reminds me that living cold does indeed build character.

But having a warm house is important. I can’t swear that my first marriage ended solely over the thermostat setting, but for years I never went on a second date with a man whose response to my “I’m cold”, was “Put on a sweater”. My tundra man had to learn that cold hands do not mean a warm heart, and that a big oil bill is better than roses. But I’ve grown too. I am willing, in this new life, to go and put on that cost-saving sweater.

The word comfortable did not originally refer to being contented. Its Latin root, confortare, means to strengthen. Hence it’s use in theology: the Holy Spirit is Comforter; not to make us comfy, but to make us strong. This then is February’s task. We may not be warm but we are indeed comforted; we are strong and we are counting the days.

Cut the Resentment

I wrote about this a year ago and I still love—and use—this idea:

Control is connected to resentment and to difficult people in our lives. A friend gave me this practice to try with anyone who challenges us. Here is what she suggested:

Early in the morning or late at night—when you can imagine that the other person is sleeping—visualize your higher or best self who is wise and compassionate, and in your imagination allow your higher self to visit that person. See your higher self using a pair of beautiful golden or jeweled scissors and cutting the cord that attaches you to that person. See the cord connecting you fall away and then bless that person and see your higher self return home to you. Allow the blessing to fall on your self too and thank your higher self and your higher power.

Do this visualization as many times as you can over two to three weeks and you will find that your resentment, obsession and struggle with that person will lessen or disappear.

Self Will Run Riot

We talk a lot about God’s will, our will and self-will. We talk about ourselves and others and shake our heads at “self-will run riot.”

But we forget that our fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous exists today because of self will run riot in our dear founder, Bill Wilson.

We recall the history of AA. Our beginning was in The Oxford Group. Rowland Hazzard who was treated by Carl Jung brought the practices of the Oxford Group to Ebby Thacher who—as described in the Big Book—brought the Oxford Group message to Bill Wilson at his kitchen table in Brooklyn. With Ebby’s help Bill stopped drinking and later—as we know—Bill—an Oxford Group member went to Akron where he met and helped Dr. Bob Smith. It was all Oxford Group theory, belief, practice and fellowship.

But Bill is a sales guy and a dreamer. He is offered a job helping alcoholics at Towns Hospital. Bill says yes. But the Oxford Group says no. The Oxford Group believed there should be no fees and no professional positions regarding providing help to alcoholics. The Oxford Group believed in making decisions by group conscience, and that members must “give it away”. (Sound familiar?) Bill’s Oxford Group in New York told Bill he could not take the job at Towns Hospital. So Bill quits the Oxford Group and starts his own meetings. Alcoholics Anonymous comes into existence because of self- will run riot.

You just have to laugh at this paradox and maybe you also have to be around a while to not let Bill Wilson shake your belief in AA.

Projection

I found an old notebook this week in which I had been taking notes when reading Ken Wilbur who wrote a lot about Jung and the concept of our shadow side. What Wilbur said about projection is this:

If another person’s behavior informs us it is information.
But if another person’s behavior affects us it is a projection.

Not always easy to sort the two—but then again-- if we are honest with ourselves we do kinda know whether we are being informed or affected. I mean, if I’m mad, sad, jealous, gloating, there’s a good chance I’m being affected.

It makes me think that this is another way to keep an eye on my side of the street—my reactions, my feelings and yes, ugh—my projections.

Criticism

I have much to thank Oprah for. She’s covered many difficult topics and introduced language so that more folks can talk about addictions, abuse, sex, family issues etc. But here’s a recent piece of my Oprah Gratitude List.

Last week I saw news anchor Diane Sawyer interviewed on Oprah and she talked about her marriage to Mike Nichols. She said the best piece of advice she was given for marriage was: “Criticism is just a very poor way of making a request—so maybe you can just make the request.”

I love that. I get it. “You are selfish and lazy” is just a really poor way to ask: “Can you help me?”And “You never listen” is a poor way to say, “Could you sit and listen to me for five minutes?”

Thank you Diane. Thank you Oprah.

Feel Your Feelings?

A friend sent me this poem by Rumi. To live in this way that welcomes all feelings seems ridiculously courageous—but I aspire to the ridiculous. Enjoy!

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks

Brene Brown TED Talk on Vulnerability and Connection

Thank you to  Kathy for introducing me to Brene Brown at TED Talks. This is an awesome 20 minute video for Out of the Woods Women. I gotta believe that what she is talking about is what we are recovering about--Enjoy this!

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html