HALT--It's Not Just for Beginners

Yesterday I sat in a meeting where the discussion was directed to newcomers. How to handle stress? What is self-care in recovery? I was eating mints to stave off my hunger and I was dizzy with tiredness from too many days on too many deadlines. When I drifted away from listening to the discussion I was in a reverie of “What I’m gonna say…” anger fantasies. And I felt very alone in all of this.

Luckily one speaker pierced my fog and I heard her say to the newcomer, “We have some simple advice and the acronym is HALT: never get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired.” And I heard her. And I thought, “I am a goner.” I had it all: hungry, anger, tired and so lonely too.

I came home and wrote it on a card. And then the hard part: What am I going to do about it? I decided to have a simple supper sooner rather than later, I worked through one of my deadlines and deferred the next one to today. The anger needs more processing and the lonely too needs conversation with other recovering people. But I’m keeping that H.A.L.T. note in front of me.

It sneaks up again and again.

Burn This Book

“The Little Engine That Could”, by Watty Piper was my favorite book as a little girl. I had the version of the book that came with a little 45 rpm record and I’d play the record on my kiddy turntable and turn the pages of the book. I loved the little train and his little smile and I loved that he could do what the big black locomotive could not.

This morning I realized that the “Little Engine” book is a demon. Of course, yes, the message hit the ripe and ready core of an ACOA girl in just the right (wrong) way but when I quiet down and listen to some of my inner voices this is what I hear:

You could do it all. If you just worked just a little harder. If you just applied yourself. If you just got yourself better organized. If you used all the features on your Smartphone…

These are the devil’s messages, I swear. They keep me running; keep me believing that perfection is just around the corner, one color-coded closet away, one 36-hour day jammed into 24.

Sorry Little Engine. I think I can’t.

Rushing and Doing

Maybe Moody blues and maybe Monday blues but I woke with a start and began working thru the list this morning. Then I remembered something I read in “MY Utmost for His Highest”—the old devotional book that was used by Bill W. and Dr. Bob and other early AA’s.

In the “Utmost” devotion for October 19th is says that “The press and rush of tremendous activity that we regard so highly is not for the Master. The central thing about the Kingdom of God is our personal relationship with Himself, not public usefulness.”

Ouch! I am so very invested in my “press and rush” and in the “public usefulness” part of my identity. Dare I reframe that to do less and be more?

It’s not the first time this question has come around, but to see it right there and to know surrendering doesn’t mean do more, it means let God do the doing.

Let’s see how I do the rest of this week.