Learning from a Tragedy

The recovery community is shaken by the death of actor, Philip Seymour Hoffman. It was reported that he was more than 20 years sober. He had a relapse earlier this year. Then the reports of drug use, more drinking, heroin and death.

Shockingly there are some--even in recovery-who think "that could never be me". But it could. We might, those of us of a certain age who were addicted to alcohol, think, "Well I'd certainly never do heroin; even if I relapsed I'd probably just drink and then come back. But as this heartbreaking story shows us, coming back can be very, very hard.

What we forget or do not realize is that if we relapse on alcohol we would certainly "forget" that we don't do drugs. It's a new world. That's what we have to remember. Alcohol kills pain but heroin does it better. And these days heroin is  cheaper than a cocktail, you do not have to go to a bad part of town to get it, and very nice people--very nice people that you know--will offer it to you.

Research shows that the longer we are in recovery the less likely we are to relapse. But--if we do relapse we are much more likely to die and die quickly.

While we pray for Hoffman and his partner and their three children and all of his friends let's please remember that we are not immune. We have a chronic illness and the remedy is ongoing.

Here is the link to an article in today's New York Times detailing the last days of Hoffman's life and what those around him saw. This is progression. This is tragedy.

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/06/nyregion/a-complicated-actor-philip-seymour-hoffman-in-his-last-days.html?_r=0

Philip Seymour Hoffman Dies

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Philip Seymour Hoffman suffered from a chronic medical condition that required ongoing treatment. An admitted drug addict who first sought professional help more than two decades ago, Hoffman apparently succumbed to his illness with an overdose despite a return to rehab last March.

"Here you have an extraordinarily talented actor who had the resources, who had been in treatment, who obviously realized the problem of drugs and had been able to stay clean," she said, adding that Hoffman's case shows how devastating addiction can be.

Success has no more bearing on drug addiction than it does on heart failure, doctors say: Both can be fatal without consistent care. And while rehab may be part of treatment, it's no antidote. Amy Winehouse and Cory Monteith had both been to rehab before eventually dying from overdoses.

"Addiction is a chronic, progressive illness. No one can be cured," said Dr. Akikur Reza Mohammad, a psychiatrist and addiction-medicine specialist who works as a professor at USC's Keck School of Medicine and is founding chief of Inspire Malibu Treatment Center. "If someone is suffering from addiction, they cannot relax at any time.

"Addiction does not discriminate, the same way high blood pressure and diabetes do not discriminate," Mohammad said, adding that 100 people die in the U.S. each day from drug overdoses. Those numbers are increasingly fueled by prescription painkillers, which tend to be opiates, like heroin.

The Common Cold as a Spiritual Practice

Surrender. Acceptance. Lying in. And then it’s the last stage of the cold when that awful tickle cough begins. And I learn silence. The coughing begins when I talk, so I learn to not talk. That means listening in meetings and listening to other people, not responding, not reacting. 

It gives me time, internal time, to process. What have I heard? What am I seeing?

Silence. Waiting. Patience. Don’t talk. Sit still. The common cold is a spiritual practice.

Fake It Till You Make It

You've heard it a million times and if you are a sponsor--or a parent--you may even have said it many times too: "Fake it till you make it." or its corollary: Act as if."

We are advised to act brave when we are scared; pretend to be a confident leader when you are a nervous one; and to act like you deserve good things to happen to you. Often when you pretend you are the right one for the new job or the promotion-your real self and talents (ones maybe you haven't been aware of yet) will show up.

If you have been around recovery for a while you also know that this works--when we remember to work it. It turns out that many times we are offered experiences that other people or our higher power know we are capable of but we may be the last to get it.

But now, it turns out, there is science behind that faking it and acting as if. Our minds can change our bodies and our bodies can, in fact, change our minds. I recently saw a fabulous TED Talk with Amy Cuddy on the power of body language. No, not just the "don't cross your arms" stuff--but the science and the strategy that emerged from her research on power.

The link to the Amy Cuddy TED Talk is below. It's 20 minutes and worth every second of your time. I encourage you to watch and listen to the very end because she also has a powerful message on how we can use this info to help others as well.

Enjoy this. More power to you!

http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html

Marriage as a Container

Years ago a therapist suggested to me that a relationship, or a marriage, is a container. She was helping me to see that I needed to get in that container with my partner and be held by the relationship itself even when I could not be held by the other person. I loved the idea immediately.

I later began to think of my marriage as a bowl. I collect old yelloware bowls of all sizes and I especially like the big ones used for mixing. Bowls are containers, relationships require mixing, and sometimes relationships require kneading, time to rise, punching down and rising again.

A container. Or a mixing bowl. That’s what commitment gives to a relationship. It holds the space. Not having a commitment means you can drift and slip and slide. It’s similar I think to the constraints of poetry. A villanelle or a sonnet is a container and by being forced to stay in the container creativity is unleashed.

David Richo, in his book, “How to Be an Adult” writes about relationships in a similar way. He says, “A working relationship is a crucible in which the human tasks of holding on and letting go can be fulfilled.” We have to hold on and let go at the same time. Marriage creates the container, the bowl, the crucible, which allows two adults to hold on and let go over and over.

The Longterm Benefit of Writing in Books

I have been reading from the same meditation book for more than 20 years. It is Melody Beatty’s “The Language of Letting Go” and it is one of many “non-conference-approved” books that I rank high in my lifesaving library.

Beatty’s daily meditation book has a page a day with a brief essay on a recovery topic and some quotes or affirmations. I am so aware of the gift of seeing the same messages over and over, year after year—thru at least 20 years of my recovery. And today I am especially glad for the habit of writing in my books.

When I open this well-worn, broke-back, coffee (and tear) stained paperback—I can see the notes I scribbled in 1990, 1993, 2001, and 2003 and on and on. What makes me laugh now is to see the names of people (often coworkers or neighbors or boyfriends) that I was praying about. (Those anguished “help me” prayers) When I read them now I can’t quite remember what the big offenses or fears were about or I can see (humility) exactly why I was having an issue with that person—or kind of person.

I have this daily, written record of what has changed thru the course of my recovery—and most compelling what has not changed. When I come to my meditation altar and open this book today and see that ten and five and two years ago I had a similar issue with a different person I get a clear lesson in who (yes, me) has the issue. And it’s fresher than a journal because I am guaranteed to come to each of these pages at least once every 365 days.

Beatty’s lessons are all about denial, acceptance, detachment and letting go. But I am so glad that I never let go of this book so I have pure evidence—in my own handwriting—of how far I have come and what still lies ahead in my journey of recovery.

Addiction and Making Art

Is addiction a necessary part of making art? Does creativity and madness go hand in hand? It’s a long debate but luckily I tested that theory many years ago and found that drinking and writing left me with illegible pages and next-day headaches that decimated any additional writing. All drinking did was make me sad that I wasn’t writing while fueling my fantasies that if life just gave me better breaks then surely—surely—I’d be a successful writer.

Last night I was preparing materials for a writing workshop that I’ll teach next month and I found this quote that made me laugh out loud:

“The only place you’re likely to find more alcoholics than an AA meeting is a writing program.”  That’s from the editor Betsy Lerner in her book of advice for writers called, “The Forest for The Trees.”

Oh, I do know the truth of that. Many years into recovery and after learning that I could write by—get this—sitting down to write, I participated in a famous writing program where I did learn much about writing, and especially about building strength and habits. What I saw there also, quite sadly, was the enormous amount of alcohol and drugs that were false encouragement and false soothing for the genuine ache of creating art.

I am so glad that I was well into recovery when I faced that scene. And even with that I had moments of thinking that the cool kids—students and faculty—were all able to drink and I was sure I was missing something keen that kept me out of the “real writers” circle. But it seems that was not true at all.

We know the myth and the lie of suffering for creativity. Yes, making art of any kind is hard, and almost always lonely, but adding booze only increases the pain and kills the art.