Happy Mother's Day Dad!

Yes—Mother’s Day. It brings up all kinds of feelings for people in recovery. We begin with our own mother—she was either a saint or the cause of our troubles. Then as we progress in recovery the story changes: the saint wasn’t so perfect and the bad mother turned out to be human.

We may also struggle on this holiday with being a mother. We think we did it well and are not appreciated or we know we screwed up and we ache with guilt or shame. Or, for some of us, we didn’t get to be a mother and that’s an issue too.

But for all the struggles that we may have I can tell you—even without knowing you—that no matter where you fall on the Mother’s Day angst spectrum you have it easier than Jennifer Finney Boylan. Boylan was a father for six years and a mother for ten years and in-between she was, well—in-between genders.

Yes. When Jenny Boylan was a young Dad she came out as transgender and she transitioned from a man to a woman and from a father to a mother. And her family transitioned with her.

I know. You want the rest of this story right now, right? I did too. And so I read Boylan’s new book, “Stuck in the Middle With You.” (Isn’t that a fabulous title for this story?)

The book has just been published and it’s wonderful. The subtitle is, “A memoir of parenting in three genders”. Jenny Boylan’s story is of course interesting—how could it not be. But she does something else that makes this a keeper: she interviews some great people—like Ann Beatty, Richard Russo, Susan Minot—about what being a father/mother is all about.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Go to your local independent bookstore and buy this for your mother, your friend who is a mother and for your self.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Don't Take Anything Personally

I know, you have heard that so many times. And worse, we have probably all said it to someone else. It’s too easy to offer that advice to another woman when it’s her “personal” and not ours.

But there is something to this. And I’m feeling inspired to give it another try.

A few weeks ago I met with a woman and we were talking about The Course in Miracles—which was my entry point into recovery and changing my life. The woman reached into her bag and held up a book and said, “I’m re-reading this old book too.” And it was a copy of “The Four Agreements” by Toltec healer and physician, Don Miguel Ruiz.

You have seen this book. Maybe you read it when it came out in 1997. It was passed around recovery rooms then. It is wisdom. The fur agreements are:

Be Impeccable with Your Word.

Don’t Take Anything Personally.

Don’t Make Assumptions.

Always Do Your Best.

Great advice right? But what I have come to see is that I even took that great advice and used it against myself. Be impeccable with your word because an internal message of, “Oh, you liar, you can’t do this, why did you say that…” and on and on. And “Always do your best” became, in my head, “Do more, do better, an impossible rant of perfectionism.

Are you surprised to hear that’s not what Ruiz was talking about?

I was making even those good ideas into personal failings. Old habit.

What has really synched this for me—today—is simultaneously reading a newer book called, “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying”.  by Bronnie Ware. Death is a great wisdom teacher too. I date myself, but Carlos Castaneda tried to teach us that ages ago. He said, “Keep Death on your left shoulder all day.” If you do that you pretty much fall into the four agreements that Ruiz talks about.

Here are the top five regrets:

One: I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself.

Two: I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

Three: I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.

Four: I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Five: I wish I had let myself be happier.

All of those regrets are about courage and self-agency. Note: it doesn’t say, “I wish I was happier” rather, “I wish I had let myself…”

So I’m going to try something. Want to join me? I’m putting a note in my planner and one on my mirror:    Don’t Take Anything Personally.

I’ll keep you posted on what comes (up) next.

The God Thing

This comes up over and over and while I used to fuss at the “God thing” conversations, now I think it makes sense. In Twelve-Step recovery it’s all about having a spiritual awakening. The steps tell us: “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps…”

I remember when someone pointed that out to me. We don’t get abstinence or sobriety as a result of the steps—we get a spiritual awakening. And then, of course, as Carl Jung explained to Roland (and later to Bill Wilson) we do get sobriety as a result of that spiritual awakening. It’s a subtle but important point.

The other thing I like to think about is that it doesn’t say God. Thank you to “AA Number Three” who gave us “God as we understand Him” which opened the door much wider then the Oxford Group would ever have allowed. So we have that parenthetical statement and a Higher Power, which lets us choose.

But we do have to choose.

Here’s the other thing that I learned form a spiritual director that I like to pass on to women that I sponsor—and remind myself: Your HP doesn’t have to be a God but it has to be bigger than you. You want a “Bigger” as your Higher Power. It might be Goodness or The Ocean or Nature or Science but with our egos and our insecurity we need something Bigger.

And then—here’s another part I missed for years--you have to put yourself in the presence of your Higher Power. It’s why people who have God as their HP go to church or temple. But if your Higher Power is another kind of being or entity you still have to spend time in its presence. For example—if Nature is your Higher Power do you go on a nature walk once a week? If it’s the Ocean do you get to the beach to connect with it? If it’s Beauty are you making art a priority in your life?

Isn’t this a great question: What is your Higher Power and do you put yourself in its presence—regularly?

Still Carrying On

So, in yesterday's post I was recommending the new book of hilarious wisdom and perspective called "Carry On, Warrior",  by the wickedly recovering, Glennon Doyle Melton. If you have not yet ordered your copy from the library or bookstore try this:

Go to your local book store and pick up, "CarryOn, Warrior"...go to the back of the store and lean against the wall and read the very short--four page--chapter called, "On Profanity"--page 201. It's a quick read and you'll see why I am just so enamored with this book and writer. Then take that copy to the front of the store and buy it.

Glennon writes a lot about being a mom and about extremely imperfect parenting so this is also a  perfect Mother's Day gift.

Here's a link to her blog and more info on the book:

http://momastery.com/carry-on-warrior/

Carry On, Warrior

The advice often given to writers is, “Write the book that you want to read.” Well, I feel like I can stop now because I have just read the smartest, funniest and most poignant book about recovery.

The book is called: “Carry On, Warrior—Thoughts on Life Unarmed” by Glennon Doyle Melton.

And maybe this book isn’t even about recovery per se, maybe it’s just a book about how life can change so dramatically and so wonderfully and be both so good and so hard—so very hard –for a woman in recovery.

The best part of this is that Glennon writes in short bursts and sections about all the girl friend stuff: bodies, highlights, babies, sex, clothes, shopping, food and God, fear, pain, infidelity, family and hard forgiveness. This is a girl I want to go have a drink with—a latte, an Italian soda, or a bedtime steamed milk. This is a girl whose story makes me glad I don’t drink, and I’m glad she doesn’t drink any more either.

Really—check this out. It’s funny and smart and very real.

Carry on.

Desire and Addiction

I have surrendered alcohol, drugs, food and it’s myriad forms of addiction (consuming it, not consuming it, shapes, colors, obsessions, diets—healthy and other) and always in the background are things. Yes, addiction to things. As a kid it was toys, books and clothes. As a teen it was books, make up and clothes, as an adult: books, artwork and yes, clothes.

When you start making a home or homes the number of possible things expands. I can tell myself I have become more reasonable about clothes but find myself “collecting” table linens, serving dishes, candles, bedding. Then I say, “OK, your home is nice enough and let that go and see the lure of shoes—“Well, they are comfort shoes after all” I rationalize.

But really—aren’t all clothes comfort? We are comforting our souls if not our actual physical bodies.

I write myself little notes when I have an insight or idea and then I tuck them away where I might come across them when needed. Here is one I wrote to myself more than a year ago and it is dead on perfect—and new—for where I am today. My little card says:

“I don’t have to own things just because they are beautiful or appealing. I can see them, appreciate them and leave them where they are. Owning something decreases its value and then I just want something else; then I just want the next thing.”