Play Another Card

This week, at a business event, a woman—who was a complete stranger to me--said, “I’m a two-time breast cancer survivor.”

All day I thought about what she said, so out of the blue, and I wondered at her need to introduce herself that way. I don’t know if she’s married, a mom, has cats, belongs to the Libertarian party, hates the sound of chalk on a blackboard, or loves raspberries, but I know about her breasts and her health.

What I also know is that the experience of cancer has so colored her life that it has become her primary identity. That seems as great a tragedy as the surgeries and treatments she has been through. I know this happens not just with cancer but with other illnesses, divorces, losses even—and sometimes with our recovery too.

How are we defining ourselves and how are we allowing others or things that happen to us to define us.

Many years ago Mary Fetting, a wonderful therapist in Baltimore, helped me to make some big changes in my life. She saw how my thoughts were keeping me stuck, and she would say to me, “Play another card.”

She explained that we are each dealt a hand of cards—we get maybe seven to 10 cards each—both good stuff and bad stuff. “But, she would say, “Some people just play the same card over and over.”  “Look at your hand,” she would say, “and play another card.” 

I wanted to say that to the woman—whose name I never learned --but who believes that the most important thing about her is cancer, “Please, for the sake of your life, play another card.”

Don't Be a Victim

Here is a writing exercise that I use in my writing and caregiving classes. It’s a great daily practice and it works well when I feel self-pity coming on, or whenever I want to blame someone else for my feelings. It is called “Don’t Be a Victim” and it goes like this:

First, you complete each sentence below on a piece of paper or in your journal. Fill in each blank with the first thought that comes to mind.

I HAVE TO____________________________

I CAN’T_______________________________

After you have completed those sentences do this:

Go back and cross out the word “Have” in the first sentence and replace it with “Choose”, and then:

Go back and cross out the word “Can’t” in the second sentence and replace it with “Don’t want to. ”

You might be shocked and you might even debate those new sentences, but give it some thought. These really are your choices. For example you might have first written, “I have to be at work by 8.” But you change that to say; “I choose to be at work by 8.” And you argue that, but I have to or I’ll be in trouble. But that IS your choice. You don’t want trouble or a reprimand and so you CHOOSE to get there by 8. It's your choice. 

It is always your choice.

The point:

If you don’t like your life fix it.

Don’t feel sorry for yourself; it will destroy you.

Accept responsibility for your own life.

Stop lying to yourself.

Teach yourself not to be a victim.

Bonus points: Do this exercise with kids. Teach them young.

Be the Heroine of Your Life

After Nora Ephron died last year I clipped this quote from one of the many articles about her:  “Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”

It seems like I can see it when someone else slips into victimhood but I’m last to notice when I’m doing it. And today—home and alone with me and my thoughts—I finally listened in and whoa, readers, my manta was “Poor Me.”

I guess it snuck up on me because I am wrestling with some hard stuff. I worked my fingers to nubs last week writing, editing, typing, revising, typing…and my body too. It’s hard to sit for hours and hours like that. But I also do know that even that is a luxury problem. I’m a writer and so, writers kinda have to sit and type a lot. Comes with…

And I am scared. I’m working on a book that is so important to me. It’s the story of a group of elderly Marines (they are 95, 98, 99, 101…) that I got to know over a period of 12 years and no one has ever told their story. And it’s a trauma story and that makes it so relevant to today and our very current events. So, you can see, I have a lot of personal energy tied in this book. And …What if it doesn’t work…and what if it doesn’t get published…and…and…

Yes I’m doing all those things we are supposed to NOT to do in recovery: Don’t project, don’t fear, don’t tell God what to do…etc. Because when I do all those things I get smaller and smaller and smaller…and that is victimhood.

So thank you, Nora Ephron—for great movies and great books, especially “Heartburn”—in which she turned her husband’s affair into a best-seller and totally turned victim into heroine—and thank you for this reminder:

“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”

Don't be a Victim

Here is an exercise that I use in writing classes. It's a great daily practice and works especially well when I feel self-pity or that other people are responsible for my pain. It's called "Don't Be a Victim" and the exercise goes like this:


Complete each sentence in your notebook with your first thought.


I HAVE TO_____________________________

I CAN’T__________________________________


After you have done that then:
Then go back and cross out “Have” and replace it with “Choose”
Then go back and cross out “Can’t” and replace it with “Don’t want to ”.

Read them again.

Teach yourself not to be a victim:

If you don’t like your life fix it.
Don’t feel sorry for yourself; it will destroy you.
Accept responsibility for your own life.
Stop lying to yourself.