Keeping Secrets from Your Partner

Does this topic make you nervous? It makes me nervous.

It might be who you spend time with, or what you spend money on, or how you really feel about your ex or your partner's mother. You might have a big secret like never having an orgasm with your partner, (no cheating just vibrators), or you have a seemingly less harmful secret like you say you are vegetarians together  but you eat burgers and fries when you are alone.

Are they secrets or just nobody's business? It's about the relationship--you know that. I have lied about clothes I bought, when I shopped, and yes, sometimes who I saw that day. What he doesn't know can't hurt him--I actually believe that's true. But what I know for sure (me and Oprah) is that what he doesn't know will usually hurt me.

I have had to learn that over and over. My secrets become my paranoia:  I decide not to mention the card from my ex and a week later I find myself wondering what he's reading on his phone. If  fake an "O" I'll  later wonder if he's having as a great a time in bed as he says. It always comes back to burn me and that, inevitably hurts us.

Now here are the facts so we don't feel shamed and alone in this: The Normal Bar--a statistical study of American relationships --reports that 43% of men and 33% of women have kept major secrets from their partners. And even 27% of the happiest couples (studied and confirmed happy) keep secrets from each other. The most common secrets include emotional and physical infidelity, masturbation, shopping and spending, and secret eating, smoking and drinking.

Maybe the criteria for your secret needs to be: Why am I keeping THIS secret, what do I fear would happen if I kept this behavior but not as a secure  And what am I risking if and when this is revealed?

Psycho-Gossip

Here’s one I have to catch quite often. Maybe you too? Psycho-gossip. It can also be called Recovery-gossip or Concerned-gossip.

Yeah, I do this and it has to stop. This is the bad habit of using recovery talk and self-help lingo to gossip about another person in or out of the rooms. You know how this goes, “I’m so concerned about Natasha, her dependency issues have her totally enmeshed with that loser guy in the Thursday meeting; she really needs to do some step work.” (Translation: She’s a slut”.) Or “Bill’s food addiction is so tragic, he has not surrendered or prayed for the willingness to work an OA program.” (Translation: Whoa, Bill is packing on the pounds.”)

You can add your own Valley Girl or “deeply-concerned-voice” inflection to these statements but at core it’s a way to disguise gossip. And yes I have done it and I do it, and it's time to stop. I’m saying it here.

The longer we are in recovery, I think, the easier it is to play this game. It’s especially effective with family. Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist but I play one in my head. All the time. 

Even with diagnostic language it's our motive and intent that count. Character assassination by psychobabble. Dam.

Don't be a Victim

Here is an exercise that I use in writing classes. It's a great daily practice and works especially well when I feel self-pity or that other people are responsible for my pain. It's called "Don't Be a Victim" and the exercise goes like this:


Complete each sentence in your notebook with your first thought.


I HAVE TO_____________________________

I CAN’T__________________________________


After you have done that then:
Then go back and cross out “Have” and replace it with “Choose”
Then go back and cross out “Can’t” and replace it with “Don’t want to ”.

Read them again.

Teach yourself not to be a victim:

If you don’t like your life fix it.
Don’t feel sorry for yourself; it will destroy you.
Accept responsibility for your own life.
Stop lying to yourself.