Stop Trying to Control Other People

First, because you can’t. It’s an illusion and a waste of your time. Even if you are right (though you probably are not) you are giving up huge bundles of your energy and your consciousness to try to control another person’s life.

Second, get to the root cause: We try to control others to make ourselves feel safer. Note the key word, “Feel”. We don’t actually get any safer by controlling others. There’s that illusion again, but we are always trying to feel safer. Let that go and live your life—your

work, program, relationships, talents and gifts. You may or may not feel safer, but you will feel happier and more fulfilled.

Third, read that again: We try to control others to make ourselves feel safer. So often we position our control as helping or being selfless but, in fact, controlling others is super selfish: we are trying to make ourselves feel safer. 

Fourth, letting go of control is not easy. Feeling unsafe is just so unsettling. So share your goal. Share it with a few, close recovery friends; let them know you are letting go of control. But note: Do not tell the person you are intent on controlling that you are trying to stop controlling them. That’s a game, so give it up. It’s just another backhanded way of being controlling. Stop that.

Fifth, get some help. Try Alanon. Alanon will make your AA or OA program so much better.

Negative Capability

Working the steps again I have come to realize that the basis of many of my character defects is fear. No surprise there. The book tells us that is the case, but it’s another thing to really get it—to really see and feel the connection at a gut level. So yes, fear and particularly fear that I am not safe in the world.

So, because I also know that the solution is spiritual, I began to pray. I prayed to feel safe and prayed to know that God loves me and prayed to really get it that I am cared for and loved by human friends and by God.

I also prayed for willingness. And that’s when a funny thing happened.

In three completely different and unrelated places: in a book about poetry; in a book about management and in a book about home organization I read about accepting insecurity and instability. One was a chapter titled: “Let Go of the Need to Feel Secure.”

Huh?

Is God answering my prayer with a giggle? “I can’t make you feel safe but I can help you learn to embrace insecurity.” One writer says, “We can’t grow when we are in our comfort zones.” And that is exactly what I have been praying for—“Please, please, please make me feel comfortable.”

So should I pray to feel safe or should I pray for the courage to accept uncertainty? Even to like it?

The poet John Keats used the term “negative capability” to describe being with the unknown. He valued this in writers describing it like this:”That is, when man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after facts and reason.”

I have been irritable and I have been reaching after—and begging for—certainty and reason. It’s time for a new prayer.