The Other Program

Here is another one of those changes that happens to us in long-term recovery: Many of us start to go to --or go back to –Alanon. Some times a sponsor makes the suggestion, or maybe we start to notice some women who have as many years in recovery as we do but it seems like they struggle less at home, or at work, or with themselves. When we ask them we found out that they were practicing an AA program and Alanon.

It’s a funny thing about recovery from addiction. In the early years we had to learn to be less selfish. We learned to consider the impact of our behavior on other people. 

We identified with the Big Book story about the man who comes out of the storm cellar, surveys all the damage and declares, “Look Ma, ain’t it grand the wind stopped blowing.” We laughed. Oh yeah, no one—especially those near and dear-- is applauding that we simply stopped drinking. 

So we learned to listen more, and to consider the needs of others, to concede, to compromise.

But then, if we keep at our recovery, we reach a point where we actually have to learn to be selfish again. You may hate that word and prefer “self-caring”, but really selfish can be a good thing. It’s almost like we have to go back over the old ground again and say, “So what do I want?” and, “What do I need—even if it makes someone else unhappy?” 

And now, with some sober time, we can learn to take care of ourselves and let other people be unhappy—or deal with their own feelings.  Yes, it’s another one of those paradoxes in the program. 

And when we find that it’s hard to know what we want, or to ask for what we want, someone near us—maybe sponsor or a friend in our home group notices. They see that we don’t take care of our needs and we are invited—or sent—to an Alanon meeting.

This is another reason why we want to keep going to meetings even after years and years of recovery—we want to keep growing in all the ways that—on the surface—have little to do with consuming alcohol, but which have everything to do with living a sober life.

And this too: After many years in AA most of us have friends and probably partners who are, yeah, alcoholics—they may be sober but still it’s our thinking as much as our drinking that keeps all of us coming back.

Rules for beginners in Alanon are the same as in other twelve-step programs: try six meetings, try different meetings, raise your hand, listen to the people with experience, read the literature and even do service. And try not to compare.

It’s hard to be a beginner again, but the big payoff is that there’s a real multiplier effect when we are working both programs.  It’s the best of both worlds: To be able to care for yourself and for others with honesty and peace. Detaching with love. Continuing to grow. One Day at a Time.

Stop Trying to Control Other People

First, because you can’t. It’s an illusion and a waste of your time. Even if you are right (though you probably are not) you are giving up huge bundles of your energy and your consciousness to try to control another person’s life.

Second, get to the root cause: We try to control others to make ourselves feel safer. Note the key word, “Feel”. We don’t actually get any safer by controlling others. There’s that illusion again, but we are always trying to feel safer. Let that go and live your life—your

work, program, relationships, talents and gifts. You may or may not feel safer, but you will feel happier and more fulfilled.

Third, read that again: We try to control others to make ourselves feel safer. So often we position our control as helping or being selfless but, in fact, controlling others is super selfish: we are trying to make ourselves feel safer. 

Fourth, letting go of control is not easy. Feeling unsafe is just so unsettling. So share your goal. Share it with a few, close recovery friends; let them know you are letting go of control. But note: Do not tell the person you are intent on controlling that you are trying to stop controlling them. That’s a game, so give it up. It’s just another backhanded way of being controlling. Stop that.

Fifth, get some help. Try Alanon. Alanon will make your AA or OA program so much better.

Alanon--The Other Program--And Yours Too

Here is one of those changes that will happen when recovery becomes long-term: Many of us go to --or go back to –Alanon.

 Some times it’s a sponsor who sends us there or maybe we see men and women who have as many years as we do but they seem to be struggling less at home or at work, or even with themselves. Then when we listen to them, or ask what they are doing, we find out that they are “double-winners”—people who practice both the AA and Alanon programs.

It’s a funny thing about recovery. In the early days we had to learn to be less selfish. We learned to consider the impact of our behavior on other people. We laugh at the Big Book story of the man who comes out of the storm cellar, surveys all the damage and declares, “Look Ma, ain’t it grand the wind stopped blowing.” We laugh. Oh yeah, no one—especially those near and dear to us-- is applauding that we simply stopped drinking. 

So we learn to listen, to consider the needs of others, to concede, to compromise. We learn to give.

But then, if we stay with recovery past the five-year mark, we reach a point where we actually have to learn to be selfish again. You may hate that word and prefer “self-caring”, but really selfish can be a good thing.

It’s almost like we have to go back over the old ground again and say, “So what do I want?” and, “What do I need—even if it makes someone else unhappy?” And now, with some time in recovery, we can learn to take care of ourselves and even to let other people be unhappy—we can allow them to deal with their own feelings.  Yes, it’s another one of those paradoxes in the program. 

Part of the growth in those years may be finding out what we do want and prefer and need. Maybe we find that it’s hard to know what we want, or to ask for what we want, and someone near us—maybe our sponsor or a friend notices and we are invited—or sent—to an Alanon meeting.

It makes sense. This is also why we want to keep going to meetings even after years and years of recovery. We want to keep growing in every way—especially those that have little to do with consuming alcohol or drugs, but which have everything to do with living a recovering life.

And of course you qualify for Alanon—we all do. After this many years in any recovery program most of us have friends and probably partners who are also addicts of some kind. Yes, they may be in recovery as well, but just like us it’s the thinking not the drinking (or drugging or eating) that keeps all of us coming back.

Rules for beginners in Alanon are the same as in AA: try six meetings, try different meetings, raise your hand, listen to the people with experience, read the literature and even do service. And try not to compare. It’s hard to be a beginner again, but the payoff is that there’s a multiplier effect when you work both programs.

It really is the best of both worlds: To be able to care for yourself and for others with honesty and peace. Detaching with love. Continuing to grow. I promise you this: Alanon will make your recovery program so much better. One day at a time.