Using The Examen for Discernment

Yesterday I gave a workshop on Surrender and Discernment. They are related because often we get stuck on our surrenders or when “turning things over” because we haven’t done the work of drilling down to see what—exactly—our needs are, and therefore what it is that we need to surrender or “turn over” to our Higher Power.

There is a spiritual practice called The Examen that comes from the Jesuit tradition that helps us sort out what’s good for us and less good for us. The Examen is a kind of daily inventory and gratitude list combined.

The suggestion for how to do The Examen goes like this: Each evening you take a few minutes of quiet time, maybe light a candle, and sit with your journal and write down the answers to these questions:

*What gave me energy today? What lifted me up?

*What drained my energy today?

OR

*What was I grateful for today?

*What was I not grateful for today?

The idea of doing The Examen is that over time (you do this for 21 to 30 days) a pattern will be revealed that shows you where your truest and best energy and gifts lie. It’s a practice of following your own energy, even your own pleasure.

We sometimes assume that what is pleasurable to us is also a joy to others but actually not. One of my great pleasures is reading three newspapers every day. That would be a chore or a bore to many people. And their love of cooking would feel like torture to me. You get the idea.

This idea of following one’s pleasure or best energy to discern one’s passions and talents is also described in Marion Milner’s book, “A Life of One’s Own.” Each night Milner looked over her day and asked herself what truly gave her pleasure. A key insight that she shares in her book is that so often she—and we--try to enjoy something because others enjoy it rather than finding out what we ourselves really enjoy.

It strikes me that for women in recovery this may be a new kind of inventory and also a way to find where God is working in our lives.

It also reminds me of a fear I had early in recovery of turning my will over to God. I thought that if I did completely surrender my life to God, that he/she would want me to be a missionary in Africa.

Where did I get that idea? Probably too many Sunday School stories as a kid, that missionaries in Africa were especially godly people. 

When I admitted that worry to my sponsor she pointed out that God would probably not want me to be a missionary because I was too fussy about my hair and clothes, and that even though I liked camping, being a missionary wasn’t at all like a camping trip and, she said, God was smarter than that.

My sponsor pointed out that God had other plans for me that more likely included the skills and preferences he designed into this model. It did take a while to get that, and even harder to believe it. But later it clicked; my ministry involves language: speaking, teaching, writing etc.  

So, what is yours? Trying the Examen for 30 days can tease that out.

How to make a Good Decision

I love the word discernment. It reminds me that decision-making is a spiritual practice. And as women in recovery the spiritual weaves through everything that we do.

We have been told, over these years, that what we really want is God’s Will. We all have stories—both sad and hilarious—about the times that we tried to insist on our will rather than a Higher Power’s. We did it at work, in relationships, with money, and yes we survived to share our hard won experience. No matter how far down the road…applies to life in recovery as well as life before recovery.

But sometimes those decisions are hard, and the choices are not easy. I think that is even more true the longer we stay in recovery. A teacher of mine says, “Discernment is a choice between goods.” It’s no longer like we are choosing between buying drugs and going to school. No, now our choices are more like, “Which school?” or “Which good career move?” These are, yes, our luxury problems.

But that doesn’t mean we don’t struggle, and we have to be mindful of our egos and our savings and our responsibilities. So how do we make decisions keeping while the spiritual at the center?

I was in one of those dilemmas recently. I was considering some new training. It was going to be expensive in both time and money. What was the right thing? I had to decide. There was a deadline. I said, “Yes” and then a few days later my gut said, “No”. It was making me crazy. So I went to one of the wisest recovering women I know and laid out my situation.

Now here is how you’ll know she is wise: She didn’t tell me what she thought I should do. She listened and she asked a few questions and then she said, “There is a prayer from the Ignatian tradition that might be helpful.” And she laid it out for me.

Here is her suggestion: When you have a dilemma or can’t decide what you want you can ask in prayer—or be in the presence of your Higher Power --and say, “If this is your will for me please increase my desire, and if this is not your will for me please decrease my desire.”

Isn’t that incredibly powerful and simple? “God, please increase my desire or please decrease my desire.”

I did not wake up the next day with an answer but as I used the prayer over a few days I noticed that my desire for this class had clearly decreased. It was enough to know it was not a YES!!! and as I have also learned in recovery: If something is not a YES!!!, then it is definitely a no.

Here is more on discernment--in fact, perhaps the most spiritual approach there is, finding God and falling in love. This beautiful poem/prayer below was written by Fr. Pedro Arupe, SJ. 

Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is,

than falling in love in a quite absolute final way.

What you are in love with,

what seizes your imagination,

will affect everything.

It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning,

what you do with your evenings,

how you spend your weekend,

what you read, who you know,

what breaks your heart,

and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in love,

stay in love,

and it will decide everything.

How Can I Know God's Will?

Maybe this is one of the questions that comes up over and over in recovery. Newcomers ask their sponsors: How can I know God’s will? We raise surrender as a topic. We talk in meetings about turning our will over to God and then taking it back. Over time we know that total surrender is impossible so we suffer less over the “taking it back” part but just remind ourselves and each other, “Um, maybe Step Three on that and turn it over.”

There is a lot of wisdom around the rooms on God’s will and surrender. My favorite slogan or bumper sticker is “I didn’t quit, I surrendered.” That’s the biggest difference in the world. I finally came to understand that difference with food. It also happens that some people stop quitting and really surrender before they come into a 12-step program. Many times it’s the giving up quitting and finally surrendering that gets someone to AA. We hear those stories.

Our founders had a lot to say about this. We are most familiar with things Bill Wilson had to say, but being the quieter guy we sometimes miss what Doctor Bob’s contributions were.

Here is Doctor Bob’s guidance on learning to determine God’s will. It comes from a pamphlet he wrote for the Oxford Group—remember his first step into recovery wasn’t to AA (it didn’t exist) but to the Oxford Group. His advice goes like this:

Get a pen and paper and think about the situation you are struggling with. Quiet down and meditate for a few minutes, and pray. Silently ask God’s will on the situation. For example, “What should I do about my son, my job, my debt?”

Then write down EVERY answer that comes to you. Write down every single thought that comes to your mind. Ask the question again and see if any other thoughts come. Write them down.

Some of those ideas may be good and some may be crazy. Some may be God’s will and some (likely) are not. So next, you must subject every item on your list to these questions:

Is it honest? Is it pure? Is it loving? Is it unselfish?

If the answer to all four questions is yes then likely it is God’s will.