Faith & Fear

Here is another AA heresy. One of the platitudes in AA is that “faith and fear cannot occupy the same place.” But it’s not true. We do people a disservice when we say that. 

People of faith also have fear.

Moses had fear in the desert.

Daniel had fear in the lion’s den.

Jesus had awful fear; he sweated blood at Gethsemane.

Faith is not the absence of fear. Faith is doing the next sober thing even while feeling terrible, awful fear.

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Lots more on faith and fear in "Out of the Woods--A Guide to Long-term Recovery" published by Central Recovery Press.

Throw Up & Go

Fear. Even though we hear so much advice about fear, and even though we know that it fear is the thing that underlies almost every character defect, we still feel fear. And I have come, after all these years, to believe that’s not such a bad thing. 

Fear, like anxiety, is so dam uncomfortable, but there is a secondary gain. Fear is what drives me back to the steps, fear keeps me doing daily prayer and meditation, and fear keeps me on my toes and mindful about the “Things I can change.”

But, in fact, there are lots of things I can’t change. And sometimes –and often in certain settings—fear is one of the things that I cannot change. Nope, I do not subscribe to that early recovery platitude that “faith and fear can’t exist in the same place.” Of course they can. Of course. If you have been in recovery a while you know that you have had times of good faith and great fear simultaneously. 

In truth, we do that “faith and fear can’t exist…” thing with newcomers because it gives them great incentive to grab hold of the steps, prayer and meditation, creation of a Higher Power—all that—with both hands. 

Then we keep living our lives, and life keeps happening. And, as we get older in recovery some scary stuff happens. We tune up our recovery and yes, our spiritual connection, but we keep going, fear or not.

Recently I came up with a new mantra for myself. I am reading a wonderful, small book about living a creative life. It is called “The War of Art” by Stephen Pressfield. (Yes, the guy who wrote “The Legend of Bagger Vance.”) In his book, “The War of Art” Pressfield reframes fear as resistance—as in the part of us that resists our own creativity or our own growth. And he tells the story of actor Henry Fonda and Fonda’s fear/resistance.

It turns out that Fonda, an Academy Award winning actor who had an incredibly successful career on stage and screen had almost debilitating stage freight. Yes, an actor who was afraid to go on stage. You hear something like that and you wait to hear the secret of how he beat the fear. But he didn’t.

No, for his entire career—almost 60 years of year-round professional work-- Fonda was so scared that he would throw up every time (every single time) he stepped on a set or a stage. When he was 75 years old and adored and revered he was still throwing up. His secret? He kept a bucket or basin nearby to throw up in. Uh huh, he stood in the wings absolutely miserable and terrified and then he threw up, wiped his mouth, and went on stage.

That’s professionalism and that’s commitment to art, and that, I believe is also a quality of good, long recovery. Saying to fear, “Get the (fudge) out of my way or come with me.” 

So my new mantra, extracted form Henry Fonda’s example is: “Throw up and Go.” Just, throw up and go!

If it is a tough meeting with a boss or a public speaking engagement or I need to have a difficult conversation with someone I remind myself to stop waiting for the day I have no fear, but instead: Throw Up and Go!

Shepherd Me Beyond My Fears

By now you know how much of addiction is about fear, and how much of recovery is also about fear.

In early recovery I--and maybe you--wanted fear to just go away. Then we began to tolerate just enough to try to examine it, ("What is this shit?"). Then we tried to befriend our fear, then maybe, like me, you began to try all kinds of things: therapy, acupuncture, Reiki, prayer--lots and lots of prayer. But still, under all that faux befriending, was the secret hope that fear would Go Away!

Now sometimes, when I can, I try to let the fear be there. I know it won't last forever. A gift of a long recovery is knowing that it will shift. Uh huh, it might get worse, but shift it will.

And still I pray.

Now too I chant and even sing. There is a refrain I hear at church sometimes that always seems written for recovery. It is this song written by Marty Haugen called "Shepherd Me, O God." It is from Psalm 23. When I hear it at church I always get teary because God and recovery and faith converge in these words:

"Shepherd me O God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears, from death into life."

If you'd like to hear it, hear the melody, and maybe include this in your meditation time I am putting the link to Youtube here. It's brief and peaceful. Take a listen:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6g_hROZbQV8

How to Live Without Fear?

If you ask someone in early recovery how to handle your fear they are likely to tell you that  "Faith and Fear cannot coexist." or they will say, "If you feel fear then you need to do more service." But if you tell someone with long recovery that you are feeling fear they are much more likely to say,

"Oh, I hate that feeling!"

In later recovery we do know that faith and fear frequently coexist, and that while we should pray and help  newcomers, and be of service those are distractions from--not remedies for--fear.

But a long-timer will get you laughing and that is the best medicine after all.

It turns out that the best advice is that simplistic bumper-sticker slogan, which was also the title of a simple and simply fabulous book, "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway." Some of us, whether because of our thinking or our biochemistry, will feel more fear than the average bear. And no matter how much therapy, meds or esoteric practices we throw at it--we'll still feel more fear than the average bear.

And speaking of bears, this week I bought a print by artist Jessica C. White, and the title is "Information Desk." I knew I had to own this and keep it near my desk. Here it is. Take a look:

Isn't that swell? It makes me smile--at all of my fears.

New Year's Revolution

Will you make a New Year’s revolution this week? I think they are better called revolutions than resolutions. To resolve sounds so rigid, so staid and stiff like a stick, “I resolve!”

But a revolution means turning. We turn things around, we turn things away, we turn things over. Yes we do, we turn them over again and again. That is our Third Step: “Made a decision to turn…”

So for 2014: What will you turn toward this year? And what will you turn away from?

My list includes turning toward: more fresh foods, more whole foods, more conscious eating, more God in my life, more yoga and meditation, more walking---especially the fast kind that makes me joyful and aerobic, more dance, more water, more art, more time with recovery friends, more quiet at home, more writing life, more teaching, more spiritual direction, and….

And I want to turn away from: fear, old schemas, shopping as a distraction, internet and social media, long to-do lists, sugar, scaring myself, judging others, interrupting my creative work, gossip, fear—yeah most of what I want to turn away from is based in fear ….

So maybe my revolution this year is about more faith and less fear, turning toward God and away from fear.

So will you start a revolution this year? What will youl turn away from? And what will you turn toward?