Codependence--You Just Gotta Laugh

Sometimes the best way to move through a stuck place is to laugh. And for woman in recovery, codependence can be a very sticky place.

How do we parse caring and codependence? When should we persevere, and when should we let go? Whether as a mother, lover or friend—even as a sponsor—is it admirable to “go to any lengths”? Or is that pure self-destruction and denial?

A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior

So, clearly there's no do-it-yourself discernment.

In the waters of codependence, you need a good therapist, sponsor and a couple of smart recovering friends. You want friends who will tell you the truth. Yes, you hope they’ll tell you gently, but more important you hope they will just tell it even if they have to say, “You did what!!!” or “That is not kindness you crazy girl!” or maybe they will grin and say, “Sounds like you need some Co-Tylenol.”

You do know that Co-Tylenol is what a codependent takes when her partner has a headache?

You just gotta laugh. It’s actually therapeutic --big belly laughs can shake the crazy right out of you.

So, here’s what I heard last week:

In recovery, we are told to learn to stay present, in the here and

now. Our shorthand for that is, “Look down at your shoes, and be where your feet are.” But if you are codependent, you may actually be looking down at someone else’s shoes.

Codependent, Me?

Ok, I cannot write this without this preface: I have been in 12 step programs for more than 25 years—including Al-anon and ACOA. I have been in therapy even longer. I have pounded pillows, sobbed at graves, talked to dead people, written letters that I did not mail and many that I mailed. I have worked the steps and made amends and surrendered my life—in whole and part by part—numerous times. I have prayed, meditated, walked labyrinths, and even been to shamanic healers—four of them. I have read and read and read. I even teach this stuff! I have been healed and changed in the most amazing ways and I am so grateful for all that I had to feel and do and change.

BUT! But today, again in agony over a man, I thought: I really believe that if he changes his behavior I will feel different. Again: If he changes his behavior I will feel different. My happiness depends on what he says, does, thinks. Oh. My. God.

I think this is so deep in me that even with years of recovery and therapy and understanding the psychological dynamics of codependency, I really, really thought: If he changes his behavior I will feel different.