Anger and Fear

This week I am feeling anger. The election has shaken me deeply. I am also shaken by the reaction of friends whose reaction seems to be, “Oh well…that’s too bad…big sale at Macy’s on Veterans Day."

What does long-term recovery teach me about this anger? It tells me “restraint of tongue (Facebook) and pen.” I find myself posting and deleting and finally pushing away from the desk. I talk to safe people. I write to my sponsor. And I pray. 

I do not pray for the anger to go away. I know that in every faith tradition righteous anger has a place and a power. But I also know I have to sort out what is truly righteous on behalf of vulnerable others, and what are my own personal fears.

I heard this at a meeting ages ago: Under Anger is Fear. That helps me to dig deeper. My thinking changes when I can remember that. If I catch myself feeling anger I can ask, “What am I afraid of?”  And make a choice on what I do next.

Melt Down Day

A melt down this morning. Not pretty. Computer is frozen. Voicemail won’t record. I’m running late. I’m furious about work and deadlines. Streams of colorful language. Slapping my hands on the desk. Like I said, not pretty. And I think, “This is what we don’t tell the newcomer.”

And then I think, “Pray”. And I think, “You can change this thinking”. And I think, “Move a muscle, change a thought.” So I go in the other room (After I snap at my husband--Like I said, not pretty.) And I pick up a reference book and it falls open to a page with this quote:

“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” Bertrand Russell wrote that. And I laughed—sort of. But I knew it was no accident to see that quote. That is what we tell the newcomer.

Act As If

We say, “Act as if” and “Fake it till you make it” in 12-step programs. That advice is not really new. Like most AA wisdom, it’s been around a much longer time.

Philosopher and psychologist William James wrote:

“Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.”

Yeah, “act as if” is much easier said. But, point taken. To change our feelings we should change our actions. And contemporary proof: People who use Botox are less prone to anger, because they can’t make angry faces. There’s some pretty anger management.

Anger

Anger is the luxury of other men? So the Big Book tells me so. But I also know that anger sets a boundary. I know that too. I also know that when I point at someone else three fingers are pointing back at me. And—harder still—I know that when I am disturbed there is something wrong in me.

Oh. That dam Tenth Step Axiom. It shocks me back to self analysis every time.

Oh Ugh. What is it about me? in me?

Now I need to go write in the journal, look in the mirror and get on my knees.

Shit.

Under Anger is Fear

I heard this at a meeting ages ago and I keep this note in my tickle file: Under Anger is Fear. Boy does that change my thinking when I can remember that. If I catch myself feeling anger and can ask, “What am I afraid of?”