Reminders to Me

I live in a surround of Post-its: Reminders, Affirmations, Things to think about.

Here are two that I wrote down a long time ago but still need to think about almost daily:

*What would detachment look like? Sound like? Think like? Feel like?

and

*What matters more: What people think of me? or Who I am and how I feel?

Yes, recovery never ends.

Eve Ensler -- In the Body of the World

“I could not put it down.” I have heard people say that about a book and I have read reviews that said that about a book and I always thought that sentence meant, “This is a really good book.”

I have read many really good books so I thought, “Well, I’ve had that experience too.” Until this morning. This morning, because the Sunday paper was late and I wanted to sit on my couch with coffee –my favorite thing early on a Sunday—I picked a book from the pile of new books waiting for me.

My thinking went something like: “Eve Ensler, vagina chick, great play, oh here’s more about vaginas, but she’s an important public intellectual, better take a look, probably can skim this, get the drift, then be done.”

I read the jacket cover and inside blurbs. And was thinking: “Oh, she had cancer, that’s too bad. Wonder when I’ll get cancer again, look how she uses her life experience to make art, even cancer, good for her.”

Then I started to read. Introduction was intriguing, “She’s going to make women’s bodies, child abuse, war, the Congo, activism and the environment a whole. How in the hell can she pull that off?”

Then chapter one.

It’s been almost an hour and a half, and I kept saying, “One more, I’ll just read one more chapter.”

I could not put it down.

Except for this part of me that feels so compelled to tell you what I am seeing and thinking and feeling and wondering about. So I got off the couch to come here to say to you:

Eve Ensler’s new book is called “In the Body of the World” and it’s about a woman’s body and women’s bodies and rape and nature and a child’s sexual abuse and a grown woman’s addiction, and friendship and medicine and the Mayo clinic and the scariest kinds of surgeries, and it’s about the Congo and hope where, really, there shouldn’t even be hope and it’s also about language and transforming personal experience and shit—literally shit—into art.

And I could not put it down.

The Course in Miracles Comes Again

My recovery began with the Course in Miracles. It was the stepping-stone to the Twelve Steps and it let me both radically and gracefully into the rooms. In that first year I was so unconscious and so sick. A small group of people, meeting once a week to discuss a strange, somewhat esoteric text, was my intervention. Books, always books.

There have been many writers over the years that have tried to lead others to The Course in Miracles. Early on Jerry Jampolsky wrote several small books using the “Course” principles. Wayne Dyer used ideas from the Course in most of his books. Then Maryanne Williamson took a huge leap forward with her teaching, writing and well, by becoming a media star all the while talking Course in Miracles talk.

Now a new, younger, and very hip teacher has emerged. Gabrielle Bernstein, author of “Spirit Junkie” and  “May Cause Miracles” is leading another generation to “the Course”. And I’m grateful. Gabby’s is a recovery story and a story of a young woman who had lots of spirituality combined with lots of addiction but who had the energy and boldness to grab it all and Go!

Gabby’s new book is a 40-day plan to learn the basics of the Course in Miracles: forgiveness, changed perspectives and changing your thinking. And I love that she does it without sackcloth and ashes.

In many ways there is nothing new under the sun but sometimes we need a new teacher to let the light in.

Questions About Women and Relapse

Always as I am writing about women and recovery, and especially about women in long-term recovery, the big question is about relapse. There is a certain comfort that comes from having many years and there is a certain confidence too—that is, I think, deserved.

If we are working a good program and benefitting from therapy and other forms of “outside help” we will be safer and stronger. “But,” there is always that caution, “but there are no guarantees” and recovery continues forever.

I had the chance to ask an expert about women and relapse. Here are my questions and some very helpful answers from Erin Goodhart, Clinical Supervisor of the Primary Care Women’s Unit at Caron Treatment Centers. Take a look at Erin’s very helpful answers and perspective:

1. Do women relapse more than men? Why?

Relapse is a long and tricky process for anyone in recovery. It is difficult to discern if women relapse quicker than men; however, it does seem that men have significant consequences sooner than women. This would indicate that when women relapse, it is minimized by their significant other, circle of friends or employer. In addition, men seem to seek treatment quicker after a relapse than women do. Research indicates that the longer someone is involved in treatment, the better the chances of continued, long term sobriety.

2.  When women relapse is there a central reason? We often hear that it is because of relationships/romance issues. Is this true?

Many times when someone relapses, whether male or female there is a combination of changes in thoughts, attitudes and beliefs that lead them back to active addiction. For women, relationship issues do play a major role in the relapse process. This can be for several reasons; a main reason being the expectations of the relationship may not be met. Secondly, when a woman is in recovery and is also a mother, there are high expectations. She must be able to take care of the children, home, her work responsibilities and engage in a healthy recovery program. If the relationships in her life are not supportive, it may feel like she is juggling glass plates and begin to think that the recovery process is too time consuming.

In addition, unresolved family of origin issues can be a part of the relapse process for women. In recovery, women are encouraged to engage in healthy relationships with other women. For some, this can be the first time they are having healthy relationships with women and if they have unresolved issues from their childhood with significant female figures in their life, it can be difficult to trust other women. Thirdly, some women have love or relationships “addictions” that have never been addressed. When they put down their drug of choice, they may begin to use relationships as a tool to cope.

Finally, the culture we live in expects women to be nurturing and to take care of others. This can add to the stress that a woman experiences in recovery, and can contribute to relapse as they begin to feel depleted.  

3.  Is relapse prevention different for men and women?

Relapse prevention for all addicts has similar characteristics including a sober support network, alternative activities and continued therapy. The importance of finding other women in recovery is critical as they may also be navigating the difficult map of early recovery in terms of balancing home life, work, leisure and recovery. Additionally, women in recovery also need to deal with the issues of relationship issues, childhood trauma and increasing internal self-esteem in order to avoid relapse. This allows women to have internal self-worth and not need validation from those around her.

4.  Many women find recovery support in "social" ways: lunches, walks, exercising together. Is this valid support?

Social supports can be helpful for women in recovery. However, ideally women would have a support network of other women in a 12 Step recovery program. Research shows that one of the most effective forms of treatment for chemical dependency is involvement in a 12 Step program. As a woman builds a support network of other women in her program, the social events can turn into lunch before a 12 Step meeting, a walk after a 12 Step meeting and can evolve into a healthy friendship that also acts as a support system.

Many thanks to Erin Goodhart, Clinical Supervisor of the Primary Care Women’s Unit at Caron treatment Centers.

The Hidden Casualties of War

At the start of American sporting events we stand up to sing the national anthem. It’s a teaching moment. At a high school game a parent snatches a hat from a youngster or glowers at a texting teen, “Get on your feet.”  And they do.

For many sporting events there is now another requisite moment during the game when we observe a “tribute to our Armed Forces serving overseas”. A soldier in full dress, with excellent posture, comes onto the field and for that moment we pause again.  We feel virtuous and patriotic.

We mean it—we really do. For anywhere from ten to almost 60 seconds we really care about the men and women of our military. We feel appreciation and even concern. And then satisfied that we have cared, and as the soldier, so beautifully decorated, is escorted out of sight, we return to our debate about favorite teams and best commercials.

Our soldiers are dying. They are dying the way that soldiers have always died—killed in combat and by tragic wartime accidents but they are also—increasingly- dying at home by their own hands. That is the part we don’t see, don’t honor and don’t stand up for.

The soldiers we see at sporting events are clean and composed and they exude strength and will and endurance. The conceit is that they are there to remind us of the hardship they endure for us but in fact they may be there to cajole us into believing that the respect we feel for them is enough.

What if during the Super Bowl or on Baseball’s Opening Day we saw a group of American soldiers twitching with the physical and mental pain of post-combat fatigue, stress and disability? Not the heroic amputee—we know that symbol of sacrifice—but the one whose hope, sanity and peace have been cut off. What if we stood for 60 seconds to witness the grown men and women who serve and protect us while they shake and cry and go numb?  What if we saw them as they struggle to manage their depression, anxiety and dissociation?

 

As our nation’s longest war approaches twelve years we are approaching a terrifying statistic. The Army’s own 2011 briefing on military suicide reported that, “If we include accidental death, which frequently is the result of high-risk behavior (drugs, alcohol, driving) we find that less young men and women die in combat than by their own actions.” It is for these men and women that we should be holding our hands over our hearts.

I don’t come from a military family. My understanding of this collateral damage came when I spent a few years interviewing China Marines—pre-World War II veterans. In China they experienced the combination of bloody atrocity and deadly boredom that today’s soldiers endure. The men I visited were in their 80’s and 90’s when they told me how they still—65 years later—struggled with their addictions, insomnia, grief and how their trauma had impacted their families –some for two generations.

 

We are slow learners. Military mental illness is always with us. It’s had many names –all euphemisms to keep it just out of sight. It is War Fatigue, Shell Shock, Viet Nam Syndrome and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

But every faith has a tenet that asks us not to close our eyes to suffering. And here too we should not look away. This is not to say that war is right or wrong but we should know what it really means when we stand to say it’s worth it.