A Frenchwoman's Guide to Sex After Sixty

One of the reason’s women in recovery say that they like to have at least one women’s meeting in their schedule is so that “we can talk about sex and relationships.” And it’s true—a women-only meeting is a place to feel somewhat more comfortable talking about past relationships, current relationships, bring up dating issues, admit to struggles with partners with less fear.

But it’s also true that there is still some trepidation, but maybe we take baby steps or talk in code or euphemism a little bit. 

Over time, we learn that the first place we’ll talk about sex and physical intimacy in detail is either in the parking lot of the coffee shop. Mostly we have questions. “I’m not attracted anymore.” “I don’t know how to tell him/her what I want in bed.” “Have you ever done…?”

And then, for women in long-term recovery we have the combo issue of sex and aging. Maybe someone makes a joke in the meeting or at the diner, and we tentatively follow up, “Did you mean?”

As women we have questions about our bodies, as recovering women we have more questions and as we age it adds in yet more and more layers.

 And then we have our pats to factor in. In you have any history of abuse, or let’s call it, sexual behavior that has some shame attached to it, what do you do with that.

Those questions are not generally answered in books like, “Our Bodies Our Selves” where we can get a lot of mechanical

questions answered.

So, I was thrilled to get a copy of the book, “A Frenchwoman’s Guide to Sex After 60” by Marie de Hennezel. Yes, a Frenchwoman and a psychologist and therapist in Paris. Her earlier book is, “The Art of Growing Old.” So here is her perfect next step. (I just keep thinking, “Wow a therapist I could talk to about relationships, sex and clothes!”

But you’ll love this brilliant paperback and her entre nous voice. Here’s a sex and aging sponsor in a book. And maybe this is a book to read with your sponsor or with a few recovering women friends. 

De Hennezel gives advice, tells stories and recounts the advice of other experts—and she is fun and funny. Great sex tip number one: Keep it fun! And she does in this book.

Happy, joyous and free are our goals in recovery—and one of the implied promises—and here is a way to find that happy, joyous and free in our bodies and our relationships.

And, don’t wait for 60 to read this book. Start now, be ready. Enjoy!

Does He Do That Just to Annoy You?

OK, so you already know the answer. In the same way that you know how annoying it is when he/she tells you to please turn the music off, “I can’t study with that on.” Or, the opposite, “But I need the music on so I can study/cook/balance the checkbook.”

And do you have this in your home: “Why does the color of the sheets matter?” versus “They have to be flannel sheets and washed at least five times before we use them.”

There is a temptation—a great temptation—to interpret the sensory behaviors of those we love to be either designed to torture us or to be just plain wrong. “Do you really have to cut the tags out of your clothes?” “ Does he have to whistle while he drives?”

These issues affect any relationship—a romantic one or a friendship. And maybe you have been practicing acceptance, tolerance and compassion…until you’re about to blow. But now there is help.

Well, if not help then at least understanding. A new friend shared with me that her marriage squabbles had gotten so bad that she and her husband landed on the couch of a marriage counselor. She had had it with his key jingling, whistling, and TV blaring and the scratchy towels. He was frustrated that she only liked two restaurants, never wanted to go

to the movies and she kept turning the lights down-- even in the kitchen. Each one of them interpreted those behaviors as deliberate and intentional torture or at least as acts of being inconsiderate.

The therapist asked for few details and then gave them a book to read for homework. The book is, “Living Sensationally—Understanding Your Senses” by Winnie Dunn.

Dunn is an occupational therapist and a leading authority on sensory processing. In her simple and even fun book she quickly breaks down relational conflicts by sensory type. Remember how the Myers Briggs breaks out personality types in such helpful ways? Turns out that we also have a sensory type and we are either sensation seeking or avoiding and either a Sensor or a Bystander. 

My friend’s therapist told them to read the book and also to take the Sensation Type quiz in the front of the book. (The quiz takes less than ten minutes.) And voila! They discovered they were –of course—opposite sensory types. So they could then communicate, negotiate and compromise on sounds, colors, textures, spaces and their music.

This is a book for people in recovery. We are continuing to learn about ourselves and to learn how to get along with others. In the same way that the Myers Briggs helps us to accept that others are different than us in a nonjudgmental way, “Living Sensationally” helps us accept that others experience the sensory world differently as well. 

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More on relationships in recovery in "Out of the Woods--A Guide to Longterm Recovery" published by Central Recovery Press.

Getting Your Needs Met in a Relationship

I come back to this helpful book again and again. It’s called, “Daring to Trust” by David Richo, and it was published in 2010. Whenever I dip into it I get a gem or a jolt --and always what I need.

Today I read this:

“Parents are expected to fulfill 100 percent of our needs in our early life, including safety and security. As adults, we learn to find need fulfillment in ourselves, in our friends, in our family, in our career, in our spiritual program, in nature and in other resources that we discover. We then do not rely on a partner, or on any person, for more than 25 percent of our need fulfillment.  This includes our need for safety and security.”

Holy Cow! “ No more than 25%”.  I definitely did not get the instruction book. But it is “progress not perfection.” Years ago I could not have read that sentence without fear. Today, reading it feels like a mid-course correction. It’s also a powerful reminder that I have to have friends, family, time in nature, work that I love, and a spiritual program so that I do not suffocate my relationship or paralyze myself.

It may be that the hardest time to grasp this 25% concept and to implement this is when a loved one is ill or disabled…but it’s still true then. Gail Sheehy writes about the need for spouses who are caregivers. At the VERY time is feels impossible it’s crucial to go toward the self.

Yes, I know. Easier said than done. But that is why I love Richo’s book. I can dip in, read a bit and self-correct. Or I can call a friend and say, “Really?”