A Week of No Complaints Completed

I extended my “week” of no complaints to more than ten days. I found that it took me at least six days just to hear myself and to see the many ways that complaining snuck up on me. And to see how often my complaints were gossip and my gossip was complaining. Yeah.

Perhaps my biggest learning was that –and I hate this—I had to slow down, slow waaaaay down, to hear myself complain. I found that I had to move a lot slower—and I like moving fast—to be aware of where my mind and mouth were headed. If I moved and spoke slower there was a better chance that I’d catch a complaint or a criticism before it fully emerged.

But the other big lesson was that I needed even more quiet and even more slowing down in order to discern what was a necessary truth versus what was a complaint. At work, and sometimes at home, there were things that just were not right or not OK with me that I needed to address. I didn’t want to avoid those because of the “no complaining” rule, but similarly I had to really get quiet to sort out what was just me being cranky about stuff not going my way.

Discernment requires quiet and quiet follows slowing down. Well—there’s the next challenge: A week with more quiet.

No Complaints..Well Maybe a Few

I’m halfway through my week of No Complaints, and the learning pours in.

Day One: I notice the complaints in my email. Just certain ways of saying things. A little zinger here, a criticism there. The good news is that it’s in writing, so I see it before I say it, and so I just back space, back space, back space. In actual speech no such luxury.

Day Two: In the morning I run into a close friend and she asks me what’s happening in my day and without thinking out comes total crankiness about some work stuff. Just 1, 2, 3…. And then I think, “Oh, that was a complaint!” And it was the combination of complaint/gossip. Yuck. They do ride together.

Day Three: At work I’m more aware of my goal. (I have Post-it reminders in my planner and  on my keyboard…) But I have to work hard to say what I need to say about work stuff—to say what is not good or what is difficult without complaining. I am becoming aware that there is a difference and there is a line, and I can feel when I cross it.

Day Four: The feelings arrive. There is a kind of loneliness—a hollowness in not complaining. Is complaining a way to connect? Is it a defense against the feeling of not connecting? Huh. Can I connect without complaints? Are my complaints defensive? Of course they are. Can I feel the loneliness and not complain to push away the feelings?

No Complaints

Just yesterday I noticed that I have been complaining a lot. Grumbling. Whining. Just kind of fussy. It got my attention was when I greeted someone who said, “What’s up?” by starting to list the people who I was not happy with. Yikes! I heard myself.

I started to pay attention. (That’s the thing in Buddhism and in Recovery—paying attention). What I heard coming out of me was a lot more about what wasn’t right than what was, and what bothered me more than what pleased me. And all of this at a time when there are many wonderful, good and great things going on in my life. Now, there has been some stuff that has not gone so well too, but on balance…

So what’s this crankiness about? And what to do about it?

I like challenges and I’m a believer in taking baby steps toward new behaviors so today I am starting “A Week Without Complaints.” Bear with me for these next seven days as I see what’s under this habit—I think complaining is a kind of habitual thing—and what happens if I can make this change.

So I’m putting myself out here where I can watch myself. No complaints. No gossip. (Gossip is a kind of complaining, I think). That includes gossip-by-concern, you know the kind that begins, “I’m so concerned about so-and-so because she is just so…”. Yeah, that’s a complaint.

What I’m most curious to discover is what my patterns are: When do I complain most? And about whom? And what do I do or feel instead when I catch myself complaining? I have no illusions of perfectionism here, so what’s most interesting is what happens when.