Presence is More Than Looking Good

By now you have seen the TED Talk by Amy Cuddy on “power posing”--If not the link is below and the TED Talk is def worth a few minutes of your time.

But what you may not have realized is that her work is about much more than creating a good impression at work or influencing how others see you. Her deeper work is about neurobiology and the brain and how our deepest wisdom comes not from thinking but from moving.

This matters to people in recovery. 

We know a lot about the brain and addiction--all those PET scans that show an addicts brain on drugs. Not very different than the public service announcements years ago that were meant to scare us away from drugs: “This is your brain on drugs” and the visual was a fried egg scrambled in the frying pan. 

And we know that detoxing from drugs or alcohol is about the brain and the body. And we get calmer as years of recovery tick by. Part of the effect is making better choices; putting ourselves in better situations; not around people that we want to fight with; we are sleeping and eating and exercising. And our brains get better.

But what else?

Last year I was in a workshop with Bessel van der Kolk—Director of The Trauma Center in Boston. He’s considered by many to be the world’s top expert on trauma and PTSD. He talked a lot about what happens to soldiers, of course, but also what happens to people who experience sexual traumas or who are in horrific accidents. 

Bessel also talked about the relationship between trauma and addiction. We’ve known about that intuitively, of course, and some recovery literature touches on that linkage. In ACOA work we talk about trauma, and we process those memories with lots of talking and sharing. But van der Kolk explained that we must change the body to create lasting change in the brain. “Calm the body to calm the brain.”

Amy Cuddy echoes van der Kolk’s work. In her book, Presence she gives the history of these studies and confirms what another AA “ancestor”—William James—documented when he

said, “feelings are the consequence of thoughts and body expression.” Over and over we are reminded to change our body in order to change our thoughts, feelings, mood and presence.

What experts like Bessel van der Kolk and Amy Cuddy recommend are breathing, yoga, walking, stretching, dancing. “Changing the body changes the brain.”

Doesn’t that make you smile? There is one of AA’s oldest slogans:

“Move a Muscle Change a Thought."

****

If you haven't seen her talk, here is Amy Cuddy on TED:

https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en

Diva in Recovery

I’m giving a retreat tonight on DIVA’s in recovery. At the Dominican Retreat Center in Niskayuna NY DIVA means “Divinely Inspired Victorious Alcoholics”.

This will be a chance for a group of recovering woman from AA, Al-anon and OA to meet and talk and think and write about our insides and our outsides and the feminine side of things in recovery.

It could seem a frivolous topic except that it’s not. We are in recovery because of the discontinuity of our insides and our outsides and because of the things that happened to us as girls and women. Is there a woman with no food, body or image issues? Do we bring them into recovery? Yes.

Here’s the shorthand version of how I see the before and after:

We cared too much about how we looked

We got drunk and looked like crap

We got into recovery and bought new clothes to look better

We gave it all up again trying to not care and wanting to be “better” than that.

Then we came back again to caring how we look—and how we feel.

As healthy women we can have a healthy relationship with how we look

It’s a cultural issue and an alcoholic issue.

The addict’s favorite word is “more”

More booze, more pills, more food, more exercise, more money, more shoes, more clothes.

When I believe that I’m enough then and only then will I have enough of anything.

It goes back and forth: we don’t think we are worth anything so we either: look like crap don’t take care of our bodies OR coming from the same place we do everything to our outsides--obsess about our weight, match our shoes to our undies and we match our barrettes to our bra. We fix our make up four times a day and we peek into every reflective surface because we are not sure we really exist. We fear that there is nothing of value inside.

That’s part of the path to growth and recovery for women: we learn to take care of ourselves or we learn to let go. Or both. The pendulum swings side to side, care too much, don’t care at all.

Some women find a middle and stay there. I had to find the middle by taking the wide and wild swings of the pendulum—going side to side and then trying to just slow down the pendulum so the outer edges are not so extreme.

We can be stylish and spiritual; chic and caring, selfless and selfish. We can be sober and be Diva’s in recovery.