Jealousy –Don’t Be Ashamed

No, you do not have to be ashamed of jealous feelings. Just having them is punishment enough. 

There may not be a worse emotion to experience than jealousy. We all know anger, sadness, grief, even lust. But jealousy has the extra-special overlay of social shame. Jealousy is the one we whisper to friends if we tell them at all. Or when a friend suspects and asks, “Are you jealous?” we hem and haw and maybe lie: “No, I’m not jealous I’m just angry that she… or that he would….”.

Even in recovery, even in a women’s meeting, bring up jealousy as a topic and you’ll get a lot of platitudes, and some pseudo-spiritual advice about self-love and not comparing, but then if you are lucky, some brave woman—probably in longer recovery—will fess up that yes indeed she has felt this monster taking over her mind. Maybe she’ll tell a now-funny tale of really bad behavior fueled by alcohol and jealousy before her recovery. She keyed a car, she sent a note, she tossed a drink.

That laughter? It’s way better medicine than God talk and platitudes when you are in a full-blown jealousy attack. Jealousy tries to tell you that you are alone in your weirdness, so laughing with other women is the balm. 

Jealousy is awful. Admitting it is awful. So how does it get us? And what is it there for?

All emotions have a function. Anger gives us protective adrenaline is scary situations. Sadness softens us so we slow down in times of loss so we don’t get hurt. What does jealousy do?

Jealousy is a response to manage anxiety. How about that? Jealousy is connected to anxiety. Yeah, anxiety—the other most miserable feeling to feel. What a duo.

Think about this:

You get jealous when you are anxious about a relationship: Is he with me? Does she love me? Could I lose him or her? The anxious bubbles come over us and they start to weaken us. 

So, jealousy steps forward and says, “Need some energy to kick that feeling back?” Wearing all green jealousy attempts to manage your anxiety: “Feel this instead.”

Here’s how I’ve seen it play out in me: I’m unsure of him, and I start to feel anxious. I want to make myself feel safe again, so I want to control him—I want to close all the doors, so to speak, so he’s all mine.

Yep, I know it’s a creepy way to think, but it’s rarely a conscious thought. Jealousy moves underground and very fast. Jealousy is a way—a really bad and ineffective way --to manage my anxiety.  The flawed thinking (or not-thinking) is this: “If I can just control him/her and make her/him love me, only me, then I will be safe.” 

But it’s not true. What I’m doing when I succumb to jealousy’s whispered bad advice is to make myself less safe. I tie myself to a rock, and I begin to lose parts of my life: I monitor, watch, and control the other person. All that takes my energy and focus away from my own life and I begin— it happens so fast—to deteriorate.

So, what’s a girl to do when you start feeling green? (And oh, the reason for green was the belief that jealousy was caused by an excess of bile that can actually cause a slight green tinge in the skin). 

What to do? Do the exact opposite of what you feel: move away from the target and the subject, move toward your life and interests and passions quickly. Immediately invest in something that is very you, and—the big step: tell people. Tell your sponsor, recovery friends, even a stranger—who has no connection to the folks in your life. Find the humor quickly—telling other people your freakiest fantasies will move the humor up and forward. Tell your friends that you want them to help you find the funny. They can give you spiritual advice tomorrow. 

And remember that it’s anxiety that jealousy is trying to help you with, so go exercise, dance, breathwork and meditation and your other best tools for managing anxiety.

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More on recovery and relationships in "Out of the Woods" published by Central Recovery Press. 

The Opposite of Worry--Less Fear is a Game Away

Having a tendency toward anxiety I have always been interested in remedies, therapies and practices that can reduce fear and generate calm. I do yoga and meditation and visualization. I have taken magnesium, calcium and Bach Remedies. And I read books. Lots and lots of books. And over the years I have learned so much that has been very helpful.

But this week I am reading what may be the most helpful book on managing anxiety, and my great surprise is that this is not intended as a book for worried grown-ups, but a book to help parents with their children’s anxiety and fears.

The new book is, “The Opposite of Worry” by Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D. In this book Cohen addresses parents of children with anxiety disorders or who have fears that interfere with their learning or their ability to socialize or play. He gives a brief intro to clinical anxiety and fear disorders but concentrates on how to help children through fear with out nagging, shaming or being overly logical—explaining, explaining, explaining.

And he offers a number of entertaining games parents can play with their kids to help them understand their fear responses and to reduce fear. He introduces games you can play on the spot—at home or away --and “games” like “Duck Guard” that teach children to understand their bodies fear processing and to externalize the fears. Children can learn to incorporate these “games” (techniques) into their own self-management.

It’s a brilliant and helpful book for parents. But from page one I thought, “This is also for me and all of my recovering friends who are still fearful, worried, too careful and anxious. We need these techniques and we are better served by Cohen’s playful, subtle and nonjudgmental approach then by anyone lecturing, explaining or shaming us with the usual, “You have nothing to fear” approach.

Yes, using a book designed for parents is of course, self-parenting—the life-long task of many of us in recovery. And perhaps reading about anxiety in children is the safest, least threatening way to sneak up on our own fear responses and literally tease them out in a safe, comfortable way.   

The other benefit of using the techniques and games in  “The Opposite of Worry” to change our own fear responses is that we are then much better equipped to help our children or grandchildren with their fears. Anxiety is often shared in families and passed from parent to child, so here is a delightful, playful and compassionate way to change what we teach.

Anxiety

I learned something about anxiety yesterday. It seems like a duh, and not terribly new but it got through to me in a way nothing had before. Here is what I heard:

“Anxiety is an overestimation of possible danger and an underestimation of your resources to cope with it.”

Of course, right? I have some kind of trigger: an interaction, a piece of mail, could even be a look on someone’s face. Then my little brain goes to work and starts telling me: “This is bad, this is gonna be trouble sister, big trouble.” And my not so helpful internal response is: “Dam right and you are too small, uninformed, not smart enough; we’re gonna drown!”

This idea about anxiety being an overestimation of possible danger and an underestimation of personal resources comes from cognitive behavioral theory. So, yes, it makes sense then that you have to do some reality testing on the danger and some fast reminders to self on the “I do have resources part”.

But here’s what hit me: In our 12-step world this is about Step Two and Three as well.

If I believe in a God that loves me am I in real danger? And do I have the necessary resources? Maybe yes, maybe no, if I’m just relying on me. But if I believe in a Higher Power I can change the question to ask: Does He/She have the resources to help me?

Well, duh.