Total Commitment to Your Recovery

There is a value at looking back in recovery. Where did you come from? How did you get here? Addiction and recovery move in circles and cycles. Even though we say, “Look back but don’t stare” and there is value and sometimes efficiency in looking at your own story.  

The book, “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood was such an important

part of my early recovery. It’s fair to say that my intervention was a book. That book. The right book at the right time. I was so unaware that I had a problem with alcohol, and I had a million rationalizations for my disordered eating, but my relationships problems were front and center. I could see them; other people could see them. So, I read the book.

I was desperate and desperate enough to turn the pages even though what Norwood was revealing was very painful. I was on every page.

And then, like a pinball machine, I felt every bell and buzzer go off when Norwood linked relationship problems to alcoholism, drug addiction and eating disorders. Dam her! And yes, thank her! --her book saved my life. Because of that relationship book I found AA and a couple more Twelve-step programs, and a therapist, and a group.

And now, 31 years later, I can hardly believe that was me. Except…

Today it’s not alcohol, drugs or food that can undo me. But my thinking still needs work. And I still need to look at issues like scarcity, fear, control, desire, and the addict’s mantra “More” …. yes, I still want more: more shoes, more work, more energy, more recognition, more comfort, more confidence, even more yoga, and things that are seemingly good for me. But there is a fine balance between desire and dependence.

So, when I did dip back into Robin Norwood’s miracle book, “Women Who Love Too Much” I find this paragraph--it's underlined, starred, and highlighted, and it’s still very relevant: 

“Total commitment to your own recovery requires that you suspend your own use of alcohol and other drugs. Mind altering substances mitigate against your fully experiencing the emotions you are uncovering. It is only through deeply experiencing them that you will also gain the healing that comes with their release.”

I Didn't Come This Far to Come This Far

Years ago, in the beginning of my recovery, I heard an AA speaker talk about how recovery unfolds layer after layer. And, he said, it's kind of like a game show: you can choose to stop at any point, take the recovery you have so far, and go home. Some people want abstinence, some want abstinence and peace of mind, some want better work or relationships or social lives…and some—and I knew this this was me, want “the whole enchilada.”

At that time I named that my “all-encompassing recovery”, maybe what you might call “holistic recovery”. I wanted freedom from alcohol, drugs, compulsive eating, and “loving too much”.

I knew, almost before I really understood it, that there was a common root to my addictions and if I was going to pull out that root I’d have to face down all my addictions and troubling behaviors. And now of course, we know that the roots are tangled in myriad forms of fear. 

This week a friend who is a personal trainer posted this phrase on her page: “I didn’t come this far to come this far.” She meant that in terms of weight loss and getting in shape but immediately that phrase took me back to my “all-encompassing recovery”

Today that “all-encompassing recovery” means: physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, mental, social, and work/career/dharma—what we do in the world. Yes, that’s a lot to look at, but in long-term recovery we can have a long-term perspective, and we have the time to do a lot of that work. It’s also true for folks with long recovery that the relapse possibility is hiding in that list above. Your weakest area: financial, work, social, spiritual or physical will take you out. Hence, “constant vigilance” means more than staying away from bottles and bars.

That personal trainer also made me think about something else: What many recovering people often miss is physical recovery—not just the “not using” but true health and wellness. And physical concerns are an enormous threat to relapse.

We also live with the sad paradox that recovering people used to spend untold amounts of money to hurt themselves with drugs, alcohol or binges but then won’t later spend on their physical healing: the gym, yoga, massage, acupuncture, Reiki, a health coach etc. 

You can be a spiritual giant but physically unwell. Or you can choose holistic recovery and make it fun to work on all the parts. You have come this far, so keep on going!

I Can Fly

I have a favorite cartoon from the New Yorker Magazine. It was created by Farley Katz.

The illustration shows a man on an island—one of those stereotypical cartoon islands with the little circle of land and a single palm tree surrounded by water. On the island there is a man. He is dressed in a super hero ensemble; wearing a cape and a shirt with a lightening bolt and boots and he is sitting under the lone palm tree hugging his knees, but he has an excited, wide-eyed expression on his face.

The caption says, “Oh my God—I just remembered I can fly.”

Funny yes, but this cartoon brings tears to my eyes. This is an illustration of recovery. All these years feeling stranded on my tiny remote island of fear, addiction and abandonment, with inner voices that have held me captive, and then it comes to me; Oh yeah, I’m recovering, I have resources, I have new beliefs, and “Oh my God—I just remembered I can fly.”

Recipe for Real Recovery

So what is sobriety? What do you need to have, see, feel and do to say you are sober or really recovering? I’ve been chewing on this question while writing the book of this blog.

One of the best short versions of what constitutes sobriety comes from Terry Gorski who has written a lot about recovery and relapse. If you’ve done some ACOA work you’ll also know his name from the fabulously funny talk on recovery and dating that he gave. In my early years we passed his tapes around and quoted his lines to each other –it was recovery stand-up, brilliant and funny.

I’ve gone back to his 1986 book, “Staying Sober” for this recipe for recovery, and here is what he says:

“Sobriety is Abstinence from addictive drugs PLUS Abstinence from compulsive behaviors PLUS Improvements in bio/psycho/social health.”

That’s a pretty good way to ask the daily question: Am I sober now?