Thinking Dreams

Well, if I had any doubt that the disease of addiction is in the mind that doubt was eliminated last night. I had a series of dreams that are like no dreams I have ever had before.

Over about five hours, and waking between each dream, I visited a series of scenes—all very realistic—in which I was being shown, told, informed, notified that I am: unworthy, not liked, unloved, not talented and on and on. One of the strange features of these dreams is that they were not ghoulish or scary—no monsters, no mean people, no rushing rivers or falling airplanes. Just real—incredibly real scenes with people who were known to me in which they were sadly and carefully needing to tell me that, “Diane you just are not liked”, “You need to know this; we don’t love you”, “Your work is so poor” “You really are not a very good writer or teacher." "You'll never be able to dance or do yoga".

Because of the quality of these dreams—the realness of them—I did not wake shaking but rather—and here is a clue: I woke feeling ashamed.

It was a shame dream. Yes, a full-bodied and embodied shame dream. It was not a drinking dream, but rather it was a thinking dream.

The texture of the dreams stayed with me all this day. It felt like a coating of pollen on my skin.

But here’s the thing—while I have not fully “unpacked” this dream, as my friend and former sponsor Brigid taught me—I also knew I had to begin moving it around. I emailed my sponsor in the morning. I texted another women with long recovery, and this evening I raised my hand and talked about it in a meeting.

The risk of course was there. Some people didn’t know what I meant and assumed it was a drinking dream, others assumed I wanted reassurance and offered compliments, but a few people did know this place and made helpful suggestions about how to ask my subconscious why it brought this to me now, and maybe even to try lucid dreaming to reenter these scenes and see if I can work them from the inside. I got good advice on writing out the dreams, labeling them, digging deeper rather than ignoring or chasing these powerful—and they were very powerful—messages away. Oh, and yes, to pray—to ask in prayer to see through these scenes.

I have no doubt this evening of how powerful thinking is and how deep it goes and maybe even how long it waits to remind me: this is why I drank.

An Addiction to Scaring Myself

I’ve been much more aware of my thinking recently. The slogan, “I came for the drinking but stayed for my thinking” is very true. Even with all—or most—substances removed it’s my thinking that causes me trouble. I find that I just slide into telling myself scary stories: He will leave me, I will get fired, they won’t like me, this or that bad thing will happen. The end of the story is always the same though: I am abandoned and I am defective. We all have some of these patterns or habits of faulty thinking that keep us form being happy. In cognitive therapy these would be my “schemas”.

But today walking around the track at the gym I was aware that my mind really wanted to scare me and upset me. I kept trying to shake the thoughts and redirect and distract myself but it was harder than ever. And then I got this idea: These persistent thoughts that seem to want to derail me are like cravings. I understand cravings and this is what they feel like, the tempting or insistent voice that says, “Come here” and “just one more” and now, “think about this.”

If I view these thought patterns as an addiction and I approach the change as if I am dealing with cravings then I can apply AA principles here too: When cravings strike what do we do?

We can: “Move a muscle change a thought”, pick up the phone and tell someone, and just decide to not “pick up” the thought for one day, one hour, one minute at a time. And Pray for this “craving” to be removed.

Dogs, Drugs and Doing Good

Here is an excerpt from a news story from Santa Fe, New Mexico. I’ve known Chris for years and I’m celebrating her appointment to the National Advisory Council on Substance Abuse. Sober 25 years Chris is clearly “out of the woods” but still and always able to tell a story on herself. You just have to love dog people and addicts!

“Chris Wendel hasn't touched a drop of liquor or smoked dope or snorted cocaine or "tripped" in 25 years. Instead she has made it her mission to help others who are still struggling with drug and alcohol addiction. "My passion is my sobriety and other people's sobriety," Wendel said. "That is my passion."


As chairwoman of the state Behavioral Health Planning Council, Wendel has spent the past three years organizing and directing the group of consumers, family members, advocates and providers who advise the state Behavioral Health Collaborative on how best to spend millions of dollars worth of federal grant money earmarked to address Behavioral Health issues in New Mexico. Soon, she'll have even wider influence. She was chosen to sit on the advisory council for the national Center for Substance Abuse Treatment.


Wendel feels her experience as an ex-addict is one of her greatest qualifications for the work the she does.


When Wendel's dog had surgery a while back, the vet prescribed a narcotic similar to Valium for the dog. Wendel said she immediately started calculating her weight compared to the weight of her dog and figured she could probably "get off" by taking four times the dose prescribed for her pet.


"I'm 25-years sober and I'm thinking about stealing meds from my dog," Wendel said. "My first reaction to every situation will always be that of an addict. But now I wait for the second reaction."