Do You Have a Softball Team?

This week I am on Cape Cod finishing the book, "Out of the Woods".  A friend has loaned me her beautiful home so I can write all day long. Today I took a break and went into town for a pedicure. I went to a salon I'd never been in and a young woman with a British accent had time to do my toes. When she asked me why I was on the Cape I took a breath and said, “I’m writing a book.” “What’s it about?” she said, running the water for my feet. “Well”, I said, taking a breath, “It’s about women in 12-step recovery.” And I paused, not sure what would happen next. “Are you in recovery?” she asked. And I nodded. Then she said,  “I am too, ten years.” And we had a great conversation.

When I asked her about sponsorship she told me about her sponsor’s advice. “You need to have your own softball team”, she was told. “You need seven people that you can call in as needed; seven who are your team.” “You need seven people in recovery that you know well enough—and who know you well enough-- that you can call them any time.” I had never heard that advice before and I think it is terrific.

I immediately and discretely started counting on my fingers. Yep, I have seven. So that’s another mini guideline we can use for our ongoing recovery. Do you have seven women that you know well enough to call anytime? That means seven women who are watching you recover just as you are watching them. And of course to get and keep that seven you gotta be in meetings on a regular basis because life happens and that seven won’t be the same seven a few years from now. Life happens, schedules change, we get new jobs, we fall in love and sometimes we move to a new town.

Do you have a softball team? Should we get shirts?

Great Relationship Advice

I heard a great piece of relationship advice last week. This one really got my attention and gave me a way to see if I’m being reasonable or unreasonable when I get into that “wanting him to change” thing.

It goes like this: You can ask a partner—and maybe even your child --for a behavior change but not a personality change. You can ask for behaviors you want from your partner but we can’t ask them to be different inside or to develop the characteristics that will cause him to think like you do.

For example, you can ask him to take a turn doing the laundry or ask him to clean the bathroom on Saturdays—those are behaviors—but you can’t ask him to notice when the bathroom is dirty or when you need socks—those are aspects of personality. You can ask him to buy and mail his sisters birthday gift (But please, please do not comment on what he chooses—don’t sabotage yourself.) But you can’t ask him, “Why don’t you remember your family’s birthdays?” That is personality.

Similarly, you can say, “I’d like you to give me one compliment each day.” –that’s behavior. But it’s not OK to say, “Why don’t you appreciate me?”—That’s personality. And the start of a fightJ. That’s pretty much like saying, “Why don’t you be me?” And really, would I ever want to be married to me? I don’t think so.

Prayer and More Prayer

Yesterday I had this observation: One of the women that I sponsor is struggling and I thought, “She needs more prayer.” Things are not going her way, and she’s mad. I thought, “OK, how do I explain to her that it’s going to be a lot easier to surrender sooner rather than later.” Then I thought, “OK Diane, can you take your own advice?”

Note to me: More prayer.

It seems so obvious, but now I also know why the “Twelve and Twelve” says, “We should not be lax on this matter of prayer”. It is like that old juice commercial that reminds, “I could have had a V-8”. So often after struggling, musing, wondering and making myself miserable trying to control something, I think, “I could have prayed-or maybe-- prayed sooner.

Put prayer first.

Yesterday I had a cranky day. Not quite relaxed, not quite working, slightly bored even though there was plenty to do; it was just an off day. When I did my 10^th step at night I realized that I’d skipped my morning prayer time, and from there my day was just unsettled. Note to me: Put prayer first.

Gratitude and Compassion.

I read this ages ago, and I keep a sticky note in my planner that says, “Pray for a grateful heart and a compassionate heart”. It’s a great piece of guidance and an all-purpose solution to things that bother me. Gratitude shifts my attitude. Gratitude reminds me of the good. Gratitude shows me that there is growth, change and recovery in my life when my feelings try to convince me otherwise.

A compassionate heart softens me. Compassion helps me to see that other people- (even people who I think are bad or wrong)—are mostly broken or troubled. And often they are broken or troubled I ways that I am too, or that I have been. Having a compassionate heart slows me down. I am more inclined to practice “restraint of tongue and pen” when I have a compassionate heart.

But to get there: More prayer.

Years ago I thought that people who had years of recovery must be doing all the right things, all the time. But I don’t, we don’t. But we do have a couple of things that come with time. One is good recovery habits. So I pray each morning and I do a 10th step at night that closes with a prayer. If I skip either one I feel crummy; it’s kind of like not brushing my teeth. So even if I’m rushed or even not feeling very sincere I’ll get on my knees and read the Third Step Prayer. I say the words out loud. Even if done without complete sincerity, it helps.

The other thing people with long recovery have are stories. We have our own stories yes, but even better; we have other people’s stories too. If you go to meetings for years you accumulate stories. So when times are hard I can lean into someone else’s story. I can recall what they said about the time they prayed; the time they yelled at God, the time a prayer was answered in a miraculous way; the time they let go of what they wanted and got something better instead. 

And each time the reminder to me is this: Prayer and more prayer.

Taking My Own Advice

Here is the hard part: Taking my own advice. Last night I spoke at a women's wellness event and with sincerity I spoke about stopping the mental to-do list, and the self-shaming, and the craziness of trying to balance your life.

And this morning I wake up obsessed with the many things that are undone, that "should" be different, the people who are not happy or who might be happier if I only did....(fill in the blank). I open the morning paper and I read the obituaries--(I have read them all of my life--they are the best mini memoirs), and I see people close to my age. I think again, "Whose life is this?" and "What do I really want?"

But it's hard to take my own advice. It's hard to let go. It's hard to detach. And it's hard to live with other people unhappy with me. But it's much harder to live unhappy with myself.

This is why, after many years of recovery, I still need three meetings a week, a sponsor, the "other" program, and women who really do live the way that I am trying to. I need lots of examples and reminders. And on days like this I need hourly contact with a Higher Power to whom I can surrender my life.

Good Holiday Advice

One of my favorite meeting topics is “holiday advice for staying sober”. I have found great gems in the “what-to-do” and “what-not-to-do” at holiday time.

Some favorites:

Keep your keys in your hand: a basic of early recovery. It reminds you that you can leave anytime you get uncomfortable.

Don’t park in the driveway: I learned this one in Alanon and it applies to any recovery.  Have an exit plan. Be sure you can get out if you need to.  Excuse yourself and go take a short drive; volunteer to run to the store for the extra half & half.

Don’t sit your drink down. Know your drink so you don’t accidentally pick up someone else’s. Drink Coke or Cranberry juice or orange pop so you can identify your drink. If you do leave the table and come back and there is a drink there—go get a fresh one.

Ask what’s in it: Especially desserts but other food too. I have seen rum in the mashed yams and cognac on the roast beef. With desserts be very specific, “Is there any alcohol in this?” Lots of cooks think alcohol is cooked off by baking—and especially in early recovery—you don’t even want to have the taste or smell even if it did cook down.

Double-check the box of chocolates. Especially if it’s the higher end gourmet or artisan chocolates. Lots have booze or booze flavor.

And one I just heard last week:

Don’t make amends or try to heal a relationship at holiday time. Yes, we are all feeling sentimental and want that longed for good family. But if your impulse and feeling about mending a relationship is genuine and true you can wait ten days.

What is the best advice you have received for recovery at the holidays?