Byron Katie Loving What Is

A few weeks ago I attended a workshop at Kripalu Center with Byron Katie who teaches a self-knowledge and self-change process called The Work. Katie teaches a method that invites us to judge others and then turn around those judgments to look deeply into our own thoughts and beliefs—and ultimately to free ourselves by seeing our projections.

At Kripalu Katie worked with individuals on stage asking them to voice judgments about family and friends and then she walked them through her inquiry process by asking them to answer these questions about each judgment:

Is it true?
Can you absolutely know it’s true?
How do you react when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without that thought?

And then: Turn each thought around to it’s opposite.

Doing the “Work” provides a kind of fast-track to seeing inside of me. The idea behind it is that we make our own suffering by projecting all of ourselves onto others and then being mad at them for the things we projected. That is not so new. Many spiritual teachers and The Course in Miracles have pointed out how we create our world by projecting what we cannot accept in ourselves. But Byron Katie has given us a fast way to actually do it:
Judge your neighbor. Write it down. Ask four questions. Turn it around.

What I found this week after finally doing the exercises—called worksheets—is that of course it's me, of course it’s my thoughts, and the best part is that I can laugh at myself. In some cases writing out a worksheet was enough for me to shift my thinking about another person and in other stickier cases I could at least loosen my grip.

What struck me today is that for those of us in 12 step recovery—the lessons of The Work correlate nicely with our amazing 12 steps. The Tenth Step Axiom says that when I am disturbed there is something wrong in me. Doing a Byron Katie worksheet shows me this is true each time. The process also speaks to acceptance: what is, is. All my fussing and fighting and judging and insisting don’t change what is. And only when I face the truth about myself or a situation, only then can I begin to change—me!

Tenth Step Axiom

The tenth step axiom, from the “Twelve and Twelve” book goes like this:

“It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.”

This has caused much wordy debate in 12 step rooms. “What me?” “Did I cause my childhood abuse?” “Is it my fault that my husband cheats?” and on and on.

Of course that’s not what the “axiom” is about.
And of course it’s not a unique idea to AA or Bill Wilson.

Here is the same idea from the ancient writer and philosopher Marcus Aurelius:

“If you are distressed by anything external, it is not the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

There is nothing new under the sun.

Now, studying Cognitive Therapy, I see the same idea. When I am hurt, distressed, slighted, unworthy I am able to ask myself, what schema or old belief IN ME am I replaying or clinging to—even unknowingly. I am –Thank you to the annoying Carl Rogers, as well—distressing myself. And I can change my mind. Not easy but I can. And I can change my beliefs—also not easy at all. But it can be done.

When I am disturbed there is something in me contributing to that. At worst I am causing it, at best I am collaborating. And the power to change that is in me.