This week I am reminded of this lesson: Habit is a gift of recovery. Last week I had a “resentment relapse”. All the old fears and my head yakking at me. I was working up all my old fear scenarios—practicing my “I’m so smart” dialogues in my head, where I say the most cutting and the most clever remarks. Reminder: Insanity is talking to people who are not there. Another reminder from Alanon: resentment is giving up rent-free space in my head.
And perhaps the best reminder: resentment is like setting yourself on fire and hoping the other person dies of smoke inhalation.
But even with all that knowledge from years of recovery I was into it: My mental hand on my hip, my focus anywhere but on myself.
But here is the gift of recovery: Even as all of that was happening I was also praying, writing in my journal, calling friends to tell on myself, and going thru my lessons. Not the first day, but by day two I knew I had to pray for the person I was resenting. I wrote out my prayers—even while I was grumbling internally—and I started to pray for her happiness, heath, success and peace.
I find it helps me to write out the prayer and the numbers one to 14 and each day cross off a number as I offer the prayer. That way I do it whether I feel like it or not.
The habit of recovery saves my butt. It didn’t stop me from having resentment—but it got me started on letting it go even as I was playing with the matches.