Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Tiny Baby Willingness

Yesterday I found myself wanting him to not like her. Wanting him to not have memories, to not have feelings, to not have loved someone he loved a long time ago. Crazy, I know, but there I was. Knowing it was crazy didn’t help me until I saw—I saw—that my focus on him and her kept me stuck on him and her—and therefore not living or thinking about my own life. Even at that I still wasn’t completely ready to let go. So I prayed. A teeny tiny prayer for a teeny tiny bit of willingness to let go. And I felt the most miniscule, tiny, imperceptible but real, teeniest, baby shift in my heart.

It was enough that I knew it was possible to change. I remembered that the book says we need just the tiniest bit of willingness to open the door. So here I am only barely sincere, hardly open-hearted, but with the teensiest bit of willingness to let go and to allow myself to be changed.


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