Thinking--That's What It's All About

“I came for my drinking but stayed for my thinking.” That saying is true for me.  Thirty years after my first 12-step meeting I still wrestle with my thinking. But then, what else is there? And doesn’t all personal growth, all change and all self-improvement grow from changes to the way we think, and what we think about?

A couple of years ago I began working with a Cognitive therapist. After years of insight-based therapy I knew that I knew my story so well I could recite it. And I had baskets full of insight, but I still needed to change behaviors, and I was still undone by my feelings.

Cognitive work helped me to understand that feelings are always preceded by thoughts. Not always obvious and often hard to catch but there they are. But cognitive work is work…it’s less fun than story therapy or insight therapy. It’s a lot like doing Boot Camp at the gym versus  Zumba or Ballet.

It seems like some very old advice is new and fresh and real. Marcus Aurelius wrote a book about thinking called, “To Himself” where he sorted out his thoughts and the way they made him feel. And Shakespeare said, “Nothing is good or bad but that our thinking makes it so.”

I know, nice for them to say, but the more time I spend on the cognitive work the more I see this really is so.

The Silver Tsunami

We know about the Boomer Bump. The huge demographic shift that is overtaking our economy and healthcare system is changing our family and social dynamics in many ways.  Our rapidly aging community means more caregivers of all ages and greater longevity but also more disability.

But that also means more drug addiction and more misuse of drugs and alcohol.

The tsunami for older adults who are using and misusing substances is tricky because we have social and cultural blocks to recognizing and addressing the issue. Can’t Gramma enjoy her glass of wine? Why should Grampa be in pain if his doctor is OK with giving him prescriptions? If the doctor says it’s OK, what’s the big deal?

But it is a big deal because we are seeing huge increases in the number of people in their 60’s as first time users of marijuana and cocaine. I know, seems crazy right? But Gramps is not down on the corner scoring the stuff from some kid, he’s buying it at the senior center and in the assisted living center lobby, and it comes right to his door in the senior high-rise.

And the numbers compound when you consider that 10,000 people turn 65 everyday in the United States.

We know that alcohol and drug use increase with stress and this is the group who are facing endless caregiving. Being a family caregiver is no longer a 12 to 18 month task while someone progresses thru a serious illness. Better healthcare means that caregiving will go on and on and on and, well, who would deny someone in that situation some wine, or some Valium or some Ambien or if you are exhausted, a little cocaine?

Most folks over 60 have an average eleven medications prescribed for them by an average of three doctors. The most prescribed medications for seniors are Benzodiazepines: Valium, Zanex, Ambien etc. They are central nervous system depressants. And highly addictive. And they mimic the symptoms of dementia—so family, and even physicians, can be fooled.

Opiates are prescribed for pain. But chronic use can actually lower one’s pain threshold. Chronic opiate use—with prescribed medications—can lead patients to feel more pain—so then it seems natural to ask for and take more and stronger pain meds.

Caregivers of people with chronic illness are living with huge unspoken resentment and grief. It’s not what they imagined retirement to be. Where is the fun? Where is the adventure they worked so hard to afford?

So why not some wine or one of those new drinks? Boomers who may have used pot in their 20’s and gave it up for work and family often romance the idea of being able to use pot again after retirement. But the pot they are buying today is not what they smoked in college. It is much stronger and laced with coke and speed and other drugs.

There are now specialized treatment programs and even inpatient services for new addicts over 60. And we can expect to see many more folks from the Silver Tsunami in our Twelve Step groups as well. 

Our Stories Heal Us

For several years I have been working on a book about Military Mental Illness—that fat collection of diagnoses, which includes “Battle Fatigue”, and “War Trauma”, and in our era, “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder”.

One of the books I return to over and over is Jonathan Shay’s book, “Achilles in Viet Nam”. Shay is a psychiatrist who treats and writes about Vietnam era veterans, and he is a compelling analyst of how PTSD is created and how it can be treated. He writes beautifully about the importance of narrative as healing.

As soon as I read his work on narrative for vets  I knew he was absolutely right. The story must be told—over and over, and it must be heard by engaged and compassionate listeners. Those two ingredients enable healing.

In AA we tell our stories over and over, and over. We joke about it sometimes and imagine that, at least in our home groups, people have heard our story before and must surely be bored. But that is very rare. It might seem like our story doesn’t change –for the most part the details are the details--but if you have been around for a while you realize that your story --and other people’s stories --are actually changing. That’s the reason we can stand to keep hearing them over and over.

If you think about AA’s stories you realize that what was told as tragedy in early recovery can gradually become a comedy. And what was told as comedy (those funny stories about what I did or what someone did to me) can slowly, over time, be revealed as a tragedy. It might even be true that we can gauge the quality of one’s recovery by how their story does or does not change.

The Twelve Steps help us shape our stories. As we work through them one to seven, we learn about ourselves, our motives, our underlying characteristics, and as we proceed through eight to twelve, we are stretched and tugged and persuaded and surrendered to further growth.

By this work our narrative develops, and we are healed by our own story.

Wisdom from Chief Inspector Gamache

I am loving the Louise Penny mystery novels that my sister-in-law recommended. I'm on book number three now and the main character, the Quebecois Chief Inspector Armand Gamache, is this wise, literary, intuitive, challenging, elegant man who is all about what makes people tick--and of course, what makes people kill. These are murder mysteries after all.

He is quite quotable and here is today's take-away:  "We should have tattooed on the hand we use to shoot or write, 'I might be wrong.'"

It's another way of saying "restraint of tongue and pen" (and gun).

Ten Commandments for Recovery at Work

Here they are. These are the things I tell myself when I am at work or I’m thinking about work, or I’m struggling with me at work. Of course I struggle with other people at work—but really, most of the time I’m actually struggling with myself.

My Ten Commandments at Work:

1. No Ego.

2.  It Doesn’t Matter.

3.  Be of Service.

4. It’s Not About Me.

5. Do the Tasks and Detach.

6. I Don’t Need to Be Important (Or in the know).

7. Get Along with Everyone (Be that employee).

8. Be an employee who doesn’t have “issues” and who doesn’t need kid gloves.

9. Feel whatever I feel—but don’t talk about it at work.

10. Do My Work.

I would love to hear yours—what do you say to yourself: What’s your mantra? Commandment? Inner wisdom? What gets you through—or almost through-- a bad day in the workplace?

Practice the Principles Even at Work

We talk about practicing these principles in all of our affairs. And we so often come up short with the people we love and live with. But this week the idea of practicing the principles of recovery --At Work--has come up over and over. My workplace has been crazy busy. I have not been “practicing” very well. Three friends called this week with “Oh crap!” stories about themselves at work.

I’ve been writing about my Ten Commandments for the Workplace—I’ll share that next week. But it got me thinking about the best advice I’ve gotten over the years about how to be a better me at work. And a lot of that advice is in books.

So here is my list of suggested reading for practicing the principles at work:

Alcoholics Anonymous, A.A. World Services, Inc—yeah, the basic instructions.

When Things Fall Apart,  Pema Chodron—I listen to her over and over and over.

Leadership is an Art, Max DePree—simply brilliant.

Seeds of Grace, Sister Molly Monahan—very revealing about people politics and AA’s.

Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon Steps & Concepts,--the better basic instructions

Beautiful Swimmers, William W. Warner—a beautiful picture of people working hard.

An Autobiography, Anthony Trollope—the man knew how to write & how to supervise.

New and Selected Poems, Mary Oliver—breathe, slow down, it’s your life.

Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy—hand’s down the best management book ever.

Heart at Work, Jack Canfield—Buddhist perspective on work and organizations.

Getting Things Done, David Allen—half the battle is getting it done.

Drop the Rock, Bill Pittman—hee, hee, hee.

Work would be Great If It Weren’t for the People, Ronna Lichtenberg—she is wicked funny and a wickedly smart realist about how workplaces really work.