Step Three

In Step Three we surrender. We turn our lives over to God. We take a leap of faith. Over the years when this becomes hard again—and it is an “again” process—I sometimes will watch the Harrison Ford movie “Raiders of the Lost Ark”. Near the end of that movie Ford, as Indian Jones, has to leap into the void to cross over in search of the grail. He stands on the edge of a great crevasse and –what I love—he says “Oh shit” before he steps into what he believes is pure emptiness. And then the bridge appears.

Step Three is inspiring and uplifting—after the bridge appears. It is also “Oh shit”.

St. Teresa of Avila Prayer

Let nothing upset you.
Let nothing frighten you.
Everything is changing;
God alone is changeless
Patience obtains the goal.
Who has God lacks nothing,
God alone fills all her needs.

Golf Lessons

I am learning to play golf and with this new hobby I am learning that I can borrow from the wisdom of AA:

One day at a time can become one shot or one hole at a time.
Keep your head down comes right from keep your head where your feet are.
Never Up never in aligns nicely with the first drink will get you drunk.

Dressing the Part

In early recovery I went shopping to buy new clothes just for meetings. It was going to be a new part of my life and I needed to have the right stuff. I had an idea that AA was kind of like Rotary or the Kiwanis: one dressed up, met folks, did service—got sober—and that there was probably an awards banquet at the end of the year. Being ambitious and self-serving I thought I needed to look good to be a member—I also figured that pretty quickly I’d figure out the hierarchy of this organization and become an officer. I knew that I couldn’t be quite that direct and out—that whole humility thing to master and be really good at—but I’d work that out.

The dressing part has come and gone over the years. By the end of year two my pendulum had swung the other way and I stopped coloring my hair and wearing make-up. Then a new sponsor said, “Recovery does not mean wearing sackcloth an ashes—go get some highlights.” And I was back.

Today, it’s true that when I am shopping and trying on clothes, I’ll think, “Where will I wear this?” Sometimes the answer is: “On weekends, for casual and to go to meetings.” AA is part of my life and part of my wardrobe.

What If?

All day today I am at my worst. Torturing myself with, “What if?”
What if I get fired? What if he loves someone else? What if she moves away? What if it’s bad news from the doctor? My imagination is experienced and powerful. I give my whole self to these questions that leave me in a puddle of anxiety and fear. I do the dialogue, sets and costumes and then I edit, edit, edit.

The energy that goes into this. The distraction from my own good life. The creativity misused.

Late in the day, as I tell a friend what I have been doing, she says, “Don’t try to stop this cold. You have too much of a habit and your ego just loves to make up these stories and deliver them to you. So work with it; ask your head to give you new versions of each story.”

So now, tired from a day of self-terrorizing I ask:

What if he proposes?
What if the MacArthur Foundation calls?
What if I have to give an award acceptance speech?
And yes:
What if I win the lottery?

Can You Say These Things?

I was wrong.

I don’t know.

I made a mistake.

I’m sorry.

It’s my fault.

You’re right.

Just say No..Or Yes

“No is a complete sentence.”
(That’s a little something that AlAnon taught AA. But we have added these extra spins):
I learned to say No.
I learned to say No, and then to say Yes!
Yes is also a complete sentence, and so is Maybe.
Unless it’s a Yes!, it’s a No.
I can listen and then say No.
Validate and then say No.
(That too is from AlAnon...and then this, the ultimate weapon of black-belt Alanon members:
“You may be right”.
And this too, the all-purpose “AlAnon, Oh.”
Oh.