Happy Joyous and Free: We are told this is the promise. We are told this is what recovery brings. And then life happens. It happens in recovery and it happens after many years of good recovery. “This is what we don’t tell the newcomer”, we may say to each other when we are in pain or life is very hard even with many years of sobriety.
But then I heard this at a meeting:
"Joy comes from my relationship with God.
So I can be Joyous even when I am not Happy".
How amazing is that? How wonderful is that?
This is also why we keep going to meetings even after many years. To hear something like that.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
Overheard and Stolen Lines
Great things I've heard, borrowed and try to remember:
Recovery is the best revenge.
Don't do anything you're going to have to make amends for.
Don't worry about doing the new stuff; just stop doing the old stuff.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Poems for Wonder Woman
Wonder Woman’s Bracelets
At the end of the day
It’s your bracelets I want.
Not your hair
Or silly headband
Not the girdle
Belting your abs of steel.
Not even your courage
unadorned.
But the bracelets?
Yes, the bracelets
that can stop death.
Wonder Woman’s Hair:
I’ve always wondered about
your hair—
Is that your natural color?
Ever tried blonde? Or even
Highlights—something like “Flaxen Mist”
(Clairol #425)
As an admirer I have to say
I could see you
with more light, you know,
just a few highlights to perk you up—
Glinting
Sort of like the bullets now
Flashing toward your heart.
A Question:
All you have
I’d wish for:
Strength
Courage
Truth
Justice
And yes, the boots, the bracelets…
The belt? Well…
(hint to you: narrow belts are in.)
But your friends? That
odd bunch of
Justice League alums—
They’re comical, no depth,
Animated, yes,
But really, sometimes
don’t you just
Wonder?
At the end of the day
It’s your bracelets I want.
Not your hair
Or silly headband
Not the girdle
Belting your abs of steel.
Not even your courage
unadorned.
But the bracelets?
Yes, the bracelets
that can stop death.
Wonder Woman’s Hair:
I’ve always wondered about
your hair—
Is that your natural color?
Ever tried blonde? Or even
Highlights—something like “Flaxen Mist”
(Clairol #425)
As an admirer I have to say
I could see you
with more light, you know,
just a few highlights to perk you up—
Glinting
Sort of like the bullets now
Flashing toward your heart.
A Question:
All you have
I’d wish for:
Strength
Courage
Truth
Justice
And yes, the boots, the bracelets…
The belt? Well…
(hint to you: narrow belts are in.)
But your friends? That
odd bunch of
Justice League alums—
They’re comical, no depth,
Animated, yes,
But really, sometimes
don’t you just
Wonder?
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Gilda's Club for Alcoholics
I was leaving the Gilda’s Club orientation and I was cranky, annoyed and feeling unfit. I went to get some sense about taking care of the man I love who has cancer. But I left feeling like an unfit caregiver. Kind of like an unfit mother. I’m supposed to be able to do this. But I feel selfish and mean and I did not like the good cancer support people. I further resent that in my not liking of them I will, of course, be categorized by them as grieving. “Oh yes you’re angry but that’s OK anger is a stage of grieving.” I wanted to ask, “Is hurting you also one of the stages of grieving?” It’s the cancer Catch 22..any criticism gets reduced to a symptom. It’s kind of like cancer actually. Someone is a total prick about what they eat or like or feel like and it’s all symptom-otology.
As I was leaving Gilda’s I thought this will not work for me. I want a place where I can let it rip, where I can really be myself, where I can talk about cancer And caregiving but also about my work and my own health and my relationship and sex and All Of It. I want to be able to swear and I want to hear the full mix of other people’s stories and lives too. And then I realized that what I had just wished for was AA. I already had a 20 year membership in the best, most flexible and most comprehensive support group out there. I’m a member of AA and I have a place to go where I can talk about him and me and them and it. I can have all my feelings and I can be a part of other’s stories as well. I have it all. I have it in AA.
As I was leaving Gilda’s I thought this will not work for me. I want a place where I can let it rip, where I can really be myself, where I can talk about cancer And caregiving but also about my work and my own health and my relationship and sex and All Of It. I want to be able to swear and I want to hear the full mix of other people’s stories and lives too. And then I realized that what I had just wished for was AA. I already had a 20 year membership in the best, most flexible and most comprehensive support group out there. I’m a member of AA and I have a place to go where I can talk about him and me and them and it. I can have all my feelings and I can be a part of other’s stories as well. I have it all. I have it in AA.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Dying for a Drink
Today a member of the meeting announced that a woman we knew had died. She has been in and out of the rooms and recently more out than in. This man had helped her move a couple of times, had taken her to detox several times over the past six months. Even though she had the equivalent of maybe ten years of recovery, the most she had at any time was maybe a year usually much less. She drank, lost her home, her car, her teeth, her dignity and yesterday her life. Starvation, alcohol poisoning, health compromised.
What do we take a way from that?
Gratitude. But for the Grace of God. It couldn’t happen to me? Most of us thinking all of those. I look down at my nice handbag and my too busy calendar and try to imagine I am living in a dump and starving and dying for the next drink and I can’t see the steps that would get me there. But they do. They do. Which decision or behavior that I am engaging in today would be the one that opens that magic passageway to that very bad place? Is it the lie I told to a friend? The thing I did that I am ashamed of and not talking about to a sponsor? The upset with the man I love? Each day there are an endless first steps. We can only see them looking backwards. That dollar. That lie. That avoidance. That skipped meeting. That service work I put off temporarily. Is it my thinking? My behavior? My emotions?
I remind myself that it is and has to be behavior first. The thinking and then the emotions will follow. I may not feel like telling the truth or making amends or going to the extra meeting or listening to the sponsee but I won’t know till the end of the game which one was like hitting the secret stone in the wall that opened the passage to relapse.
Yes people die from this disease, but there is something even worse and that is living and wishing you were dead.
What do we take a way from that?
Gratitude. But for the Grace of God. It couldn’t happen to me? Most of us thinking all of those. I look down at my nice handbag and my too busy calendar and try to imagine I am living in a dump and starving and dying for the next drink and I can’t see the steps that would get me there. But they do. They do. Which decision or behavior that I am engaging in today would be the one that opens that magic passageway to that very bad place? Is it the lie I told to a friend? The thing I did that I am ashamed of and not talking about to a sponsor? The upset with the man I love? Each day there are an endless first steps. We can only see them looking backwards. That dollar. That lie. That avoidance. That skipped meeting. That service work I put off temporarily. Is it my thinking? My behavior? My emotions?
I remind myself that it is and has to be behavior first. The thinking and then the emotions will follow. I may not feel like telling the truth or making amends or going to the extra meeting or listening to the sponsee but I won’t know till the end of the game which one was like hitting the secret stone in the wall that opened the passage to relapse.
Yes people die from this disease, but there is something even worse and that is living and wishing you were dead.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Legacy of Roberto Clemente
In Spanish, Clemente means merciful. Roberto Clemente lived up to his name.
In the same way that Americans of a certain age will say to each other, “Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Baseball fans will ask one another, “Where were you when you heard that Roberto Clemente died?”
Roberto Clemente was that important--to Pittsburgh and to baseball, and to the world of sports and beyond.
As we end this year, one that has seen money and drugs foul the world of baseball, we can remember a ball player who allowed us to see athletes as honorable. The word “hero” is often misused—especially in sports--but the true meaning is “one who gives his life to help others”, and that is what Clemente did on December 31, 1972, thirty-five years ago tonight.
Clemente is remembered as one of the best arms in baseball. Many believe he was the greatest right-fielder ever, shining in the outfield, tracking down every ball in range often making spectacular leaping and diving catches. And then there was that throw—all the catcher had to do was stand there.
Known as “The Great One”, Clemente’s lifetime batting average was .317. He earned four National League batting championships, twelve Gold Glove awards, and was National League MVP in 1966 and World Series MVP in 1971. He was the first Latin American player elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. In addition to his hard work on the field Clemente worked between games and in the off season helping the poor and visiting sick children in every major league city. He did none of it for media attention.
Bob Prince, colorful announcer for the Pittsburgh Pirates, used to sing out, “Arriba!” when Clemente came up to bat. In Spanish arriba means “get going” or “get there” and Clemente could get there. December 31, 1972 he was going to Nicaragua to ensure that the relief supplies he gathered would reach the starving victims.
The qualities mentioned by those who played with Clemente or who saw him play are: Pride, fury, grace and always dignity. The poet, Enrique Zorilla, wrote: “What burned in the cheeks of Roberto Clemente was the fire of dignity”.
On September 30, 1972 Clemente drove a double off Met pitcher Jon Matlack for his 3,000 career hit. Three months later, on New Year’s Eve, his life ended when the plane crashed into the Atlantic Ocean. There were no survivors.
Even if you care nothing for baseball, or even if you are a Yankee fan who still cringes at the mention of 1960, you can borrow from Clemente’s legacy as you consider your New Year’s resolutions. Roberto Clemente often said, “Any time you have the opportunity to make a difference in this world and you don’t do it, you are wasting your time on this earth.”
Roberto Clemente died that night in a plane crash en route to Nicaragua bringing relief supplies to victims of an earthquake. He was 38 years old. No time wasted.
In the same way that Americans of a certain age will say to each other, “Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Baseball fans will ask one another, “Where were you when you heard that Roberto Clemente died?”
Roberto Clemente was that important--to Pittsburgh and to baseball, and to the world of sports and beyond.
As we end this year, one that has seen money and drugs foul the world of baseball, we can remember a ball player who allowed us to see athletes as honorable. The word “hero” is often misused—especially in sports--but the true meaning is “one who gives his life to help others”, and that is what Clemente did on December 31, 1972, thirty-five years ago tonight.
Clemente is remembered as one of the best arms in baseball. Many believe he was the greatest right-fielder ever, shining in the outfield, tracking down every ball in range often making spectacular leaping and diving catches. And then there was that throw—all the catcher had to do was stand there.
Known as “The Great One”, Clemente’s lifetime batting average was .317. He earned four National League batting championships, twelve Gold Glove awards, and was National League MVP in 1966 and World Series MVP in 1971. He was the first Latin American player elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. In addition to his hard work on the field Clemente worked between games and in the off season helping the poor and visiting sick children in every major league city. He did none of it for media attention.
Bob Prince, colorful announcer for the Pittsburgh Pirates, used to sing out, “Arriba!” when Clemente came up to bat. In Spanish arriba means “get going” or “get there” and Clemente could get there. December 31, 1972 he was going to Nicaragua to ensure that the relief supplies he gathered would reach the starving victims.
The qualities mentioned by those who played with Clemente or who saw him play are: Pride, fury, grace and always dignity. The poet, Enrique Zorilla, wrote: “What burned in the cheeks of Roberto Clemente was the fire of dignity”.
On September 30, 1972 Clemente drove a double off Met pitcher Jon Matlack for his 3,000 career hit. Three months later, on New Year’s Eve, his life ended when the plane crashed into the Atlantic Ocean. There were no survivors.
Even if you care nothing for baseball, or even if you are a Yankee fan who still cringes at the mention of 1960, you can borrow from Clemente’s legacy as you consider your New Year’s resolutions. Roberto Clemente often said, “Any time you have the opportunity to make a difference in this world and you don’t do it, you are wasting your time on this earth.”
Roberto Clemente died that night in a plane crash en route to Nicaragua bringing relief supplies to victims of an earthquake. He was 38 years old. No time wasted.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
In Defense of Late Shopping
This is one of my favorite days of the year. This afternoon I’ll be heading out to start my Christmas shopping. For a long time I was ashamed to admit that I began holiday preparations with just seven days to go, but the truth is this is my favorite part of the holidays.
When I do let it leak that I’m just starting my shopping there is always some very superior person happy to share that she was all done in July. Well goody, goody, but what fun is that? Nor need you tell me about those gifts you bought on sale last February. You saved how much money doing that? Well goody for you, but saving money is not the spirit of the season.
No, I did not procrastinate. I well know the advice about how to make Christmas shopping easier. But there are some things that don’t get better just by being easier. I’ve read many of those How to Get Organized books, but I’ve also lived through enough tragedy to know that organizing one’s life is an illusion.
I grant you that there may be a moment this week when I will envy those who had their gifts wrapped in July. But that’s kind of like having a good report from the dentist isn’t it? All very wholesome but where’s the fun?
And don’t even get me started on the people who buy their gifts online. How much holiday spirit does it take to point and click? Yes you meet the technical requirement of gift given, but where’s the spirit? Why not just hand everyone on your list a twenty-dollar bill, and say, “Hey, have a go at it”.
I also hate that suggestion that you should have a stash of generic gifts in your closet just in case someone surprises you with a gift and you were not prepared to reciprocate. Think how mean that is. Someone is just about to feel big and generous by surprising you with a gift and you cut them off at the knees with a retaliatory box of bath salts. It’s the cruelest one-upmanship.
Those of us who begin our shopping this week may be enjoying the real spirit of Christmas. We get to watch humanity test itself and see kindness and patience and grace enacted –or honored in the breach--in toy stores and next to the stack of 30% off cashmere turtlenecks.
We also know that the worst characters to run into at the mall now are the, “I was done in August” people who just learned they need one more thing and have to come out and play with the rest of us. They are usually the ones cutting in line or sighing heavily and making lots of eye contact wanting others to share their misery.
No, we who shop now are engaging in holiday ritual much closer to the original: It’s cold out , traffic is as slow as a lane of donkeys, and we get to watch the young family with a triple stroller searching the mall for a changing area. It makes you want to drop to your knees and pray.
Yes, shopping in July could make Christmas nice and tidy. But real life is anything but that. Consider the story of the Holy Family: There was no advance planning; Mary was days away from delivery when they went on a road trip, and she had to give birth in a barn. Not exactly tidy and neat.
The crux of that first Christmas story is that sometimes in the midst of mess and confusion and fear, angels show up and miracles happen.
But in order to experience that you have to be willing to join the fray and put yourself where humans happen to be. Relationships with people are like casinos: You must be present to win.
So this week I’ll be where humanity is. I’m heading out to the mall, bundled up, grinning and bracing myself for encounters with my fellow man. I’ll be trekking in from the outerloop of the parking lot, looking for a few gifts and the real spirit of Christmas.
When I do let it leak that I’m just starting my shopping there is always some very superior person happy to share that she was all done in July. Well goody, goody, but what fun is that? Nor need you tell me about those gifts you bought on sale last February. You saved how much money doing that? Well goody for you, but saving money is not the spirit of the season.
No, I did not procrastinate. I well know the advice about how to make Christmas shopping easier. But there are some things that don’t get better just by being easier. I’ve read many of those How to Get Organized books, but I’ve also lived through enough tragedy to know that organizing one’s life is an illusion.
I grant you that there may be a moment this week when I will envy those who had their gifts wrapped in July. But that’s kind of like having a good report from the dentist isn’t it? All very wholesome but where’s the fun?
And don’t even get me started on the people who buy their gifts online. How much holiday spirit does it take to point and click? Yes you meet the technical requirement of gift given, but where’s the spirit? Why not just hand everyone on your list a twenty-dollar bill, and say, “Hey, have a go at it”.
I also hate that suggestion that you should have a stash of generic gifts in your closet just in case someone surprises you with a gift and you were not prepared to reciprocate. Think how mean that is. Someone is just about to feel big and generous by surprising you with a gift and you cut them off at the knees with a retaliatory box of bath salts. It’s the cruelest one-upmanship.
Those of us who begin our shopping this week may be enjoying the real spirit of Christmas. We get to watch humanity test itself and see kindness and patience and grace enacted –or honored in the breach--in toy stores and next to the stack of 30% off cashmere turtlenecks.
We also know that the worst characters to run into at the mall now are the, “I was done in August” people who just learned they need one more thing and have to come out and play with the rest of us. They are usually the ones cutting in line or sighing heavily and making lots of eye contact wanting others to share their misery.
No, we who shop now are engaging in holiday ritual much closer to the original: It’s cold out , traffic is as slow as a lane of donkeys, and we get to watch the young family with a triple stroller searching the mall for a changing area. It makes you want to drop to your knees and pray.
Yes, shopping in July could make Christmas nice and tidy. But real life is anything but that. Consider the story of the Holy Family: There was no advance planning; Mary was days away from delivery when they went on a road trip, and she had to give birth in a barn. Not exactly tidy and neat.
The crux of that first Christmas story is that sometimes in the midst of mess and confusion and fear, angels show up and miracles happen.
But in order to experience that you have to be willing to join the fray and put yourself where humans happen to be. Relationships with people are like casinos: You must be present to win.
So this week I’ll be where humanity is. I’m heading out to the mall, bundled up, grinning and bracing myself for encounters with my fellow man. I’ll be trekking in from the outerloop of the parking lot, looking for a few gifts and the real spirit of Christmas.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)