Wednesday, August 20, 2008


I don’t feel safe in the world. Can I find a way to feel safe in the world that is not dependent on John or on my ex-husband? Is that the God choice? Part of me knows that’s the answer but it makes me mad. I want to be safe and I want to be taken care of. Right now I am the caregiver but I want to say “No, you take care of me; somebody come right now and take care of me.”

Is this what faith is? I am unsettled and un-tethered. How do I get tethered again? And to what? It makes me mad because I know even as I ask that the truest answer is that safety is not in a person and it is not in a state but that I have to find safety in the unsettled that I have to come to be safe and OK in the very turmoil then I am really safe. I know this is the truth but I don’t want it to be.

God, please find me. I can’t find you right now and I can’t feel ground under my feet.

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