Still Crazy After All These Years

Does this happen to you? (I am so praying that it does.): You are in recovery for many years. You see the changes in yourself. People around you --those who knew you back when…even they see the changes in you.

And then it happens.

It's almost always on a day when you were thinking, "Wow, am I good? I'm sane, well-balanced, unselfish, kind, self-caring, wise, just…" You pretty much could win Miss Congeniality (If they had one for development directors, writers and yoga teachers). There is just a tiny hint of pride in your admirable humility.

Then, Wham!!!! You are nuts: scared, mean, bossy, controlling, selfish, judgmental, and more. Maybe all this doesn't show on the outside but on the inside you could audition for the bad dude in The Exorcist. And what makes it worse is you can see, hear and feel it in yourself. You know. You fully know you are a mess. But it's happening.

How did I--and how do you--get there? Here's how:

Too busy, too hungry, not enough sleep or exercise or prayer or friend time. Rushing, not catching fear at the early signs, thinking I can do one more thing (just one more thing), and did I say rushing? Rushing is always the early symptom that I miss.

Now here's the part that's hard for me to admit: Rushing is a symptom of perfectionism. Oh how I hate that word. I heard it from a therapist before recovery and from counselors and sponsors in recovery and well, maybe this is good news, I heard it from my own self--me talking to me--this week. Because really, what is rushing about if not a belief that I can/could/should do more. And "more" because I got stuff to do baby--you know--I gotta pull all this together and make it nice and not miss a birthday or a call or a meeting or a ….a what?

Rushing is perfectionism and doing too much is perfectionism and shame and perfectionism double-date all the time.

Now here's my crazy defensive logic: "How can I be a perfectionist? If I was one wouldn't every thing be perfect?" Uh huh. Crazy thinking. Crazy, crazy, Patsy Kline thinking.

So yeah, I came for my drinking but stayed for my thinking. You just gotta laugh.