Addiction and Relationships

A couple of weeks ago I went to Wisdom House in Connecticut for a retreat with Don Bisson, a Marist Brother who is also a Jungian analyst. That’s a combination, huh? Don gives many retreats each year for spiritual directors and they attract people in recovery who like this combination of psychology and spirituality.

I learned so much, and I’m still digesting a lot, but here are a couple of thought provoking gems from my notes:

“At the core of an addiction is an energy that wants to take your life. An addiction wants nothing less than your entire life.”—Marion Woodman

“The purpose of marriage is to find the right person to force you to individuate.  Most people’s expectations of life are too low: The goal of life is not happiness, but individuation.

Your unconsciousness will choose the person who will push your individuation.” –Don Bisson

“So always be asking yourself: What is this person calling on in me? What am I projecting onto him? Can I pull back this projection—pull it back into myself? What part of me am I seeing out there on this other person? How can I integrate that part of me?”—Don Bisson

Now, that gives me something to chew on today!

Projection

I found an old notebook this week in which I had been taking notes when reading Ken Wilbur who wrote a lot about Jung and the concept of our shadow side. What Wilbur said about projection is this:

If another person’s behavior informs us it is information.
But if another person’s behavior affects us it is a projection.

Not always easy to sort the two—but then again-- if we are honest with ourselves we do kinda know whether we are being informed or affected. I mean, if I’m mad, sad, jealous, gloating, there’s a good chance I’m being affected.

It makes me think that this is another way to keep an eye on my side of the street—my reactions, my feelings and yes, ugh—my projections.

More on Projection

In AA we have a simpler and somewhat cruder, but much more memorable, way of speaking about projection. It is called “The Three Asshole Rule”.

It goes like this:

When you get up in the morning and you see that the newspaper delivery person has left your paper on the wet sidewalk you grumble, “What an asshole.” Then you get ready for work but in the car you notice someone merging with no signal and you say to yourself, “stupid asshole”. Then approaching your exit another car cuts you off and you say out loud, “That asshole”. Here’s the rule: When you get to the third asshole, you’re it.

Yes, any pattern you notice in your world is likely to be a part of you that you don’t want to own. If there is just one asshole in your day you may be safe but if there are three, there’s a good chance you are one too.

You can apply this to any characteristic: people who show no respect, people who lie, those who are bossy, vain, and our favorite, people in denial. This game works especially well when we are sitting in an AA meeting and taking other people’s inventories. Notice what bothers you most (In Ken Wilbur’s lingo (see this blog May 23) what “affects” you.) If you find yourself saying, “Well, he’s in denial” and “she’s in denial” take a few minutes to look around inside yourself.

Remember: If you get to three you’re it.

Projectile Vomiting

I was looking for the manual for the stove today and found it under a display of old graniteware that decorates my kitchen. (Yeah, that’s how often I need to contemplate using the stove). But way up on that shelf propping up other kitchen collectibles was a “Handbook of Freudian Concepts”. I opened the book to the section on Projection and it says: “When the Id cannot tolerate a truth or attack on its vulnerability the Ego will assist by turning it around to the Other.”

The example: When I hate someone, but my ego wants to believe I am too nice to hate anyone (I’m such a good person) projection will ensure that I stay safe and “ego intact” by believing that she hates me.

Similarly, when I cannot tolerate a fantasy of my own I will project that onto the Other as well.

Example: I might find myself attracted to someone other than my partner but I want to believe I’m better than that so projection can help me fix that uncomfortable thought by doing an unconscious switch-er-roo and voila!: “He must be attracted to someone else”. That bastard!

I can’t buy all of Freud’s ideas--according to Freud feminine masochism is a woman’s destiny—Uh, no thanks. But he did give us some real gifts in describing the process of projection and other defense mechanisms.

Ken Wilbur, philosopher, analyst, scientist and writer gives us this handy diagnostic tool for sussing out our projections:

“If someone’s behavior informs us it’s information. But if another person’s behavior affects us—it’s projection.”

Projection

I was reading an old journal today and I found this. It was from a book about Jung and facing one’s shadow:

When you find yourself having a strong reaction to another person or their behavior use this sorting criteria:
If something informs you it is information.
If something affects you it is projection.


Ouch! In the course of a day I notice a lot about other people, and yes, I am often affected: “She is never satisfied” “He is so selfish.” “She is just trying to get everyone to like her.” “He must be thinking about another woman.” “She must really want to beat me at this.” Then I use the criteria above and I find I have all of that in me. Is it true that we are most bothered by other people who have the characteristics we do not want to see in ourselves?