Does He Do That Just to Annoy You?

OK, so you already know the answer. In the same way that you know how annoying it is when he/she tells you to please turn the music off, “I can’t study with that on.” Or, the opposite, “But I need the music on so I can study/cook/balance the checkbook.”

And do you have this in your home: “Why does the color of the sheets matter?” versus “They have to be flannel sheets and washed at least five times before we use them.”

There is a temptation—a great temptation—to interpret the sensory behaviors of those we love to be either designed to torture us or to be just plain wrong. “Do you really have to cut the tags out of your clothes?” “ Does he have to whistle while he drives?”

These issues affect any relationship—a romantic one or a friendship. And maybe you have been practicing acceptance, tolerance and compassion…until you’re about to blow. But now there is help.

Well, if not help then at least understanding. A new friend shared with me that her marriage squabbles had gotten so bad that she and her husband landed on the couch of a marriage counselor. She had had it with his key jingling, whistling, and TV blaring and the scratchy towels. He was frustrated that she only liked two restaurants, never wanted to go

to the movies and she kept turning the lights down-- even in the kitchen. Each one of them interpreted those behaviors as deliberate and intentional torture or at least as acts of being inconsiderate.

The therapist asked for few details and then gave them a book to read for homework. The book is, “Living Sensationally—Understanding Your Senses” by Winnie Dunn.

Dunn is an occupational therapist and a leading authority on sensory processing. In her simple and even fun book she quickly breaks down relational conflicts by sensory type. Remember how the Myers Briggs breaks out personality types in such helpful ways? Turns out that we also have a sensory type and we are either sensation seeking or avoiding and either a Sensor or a Bystander. 

My friend’s therapist told them to read the book and also to take the Sensation Type quiz in the front of the book. (The quiz takes less than ten minutes.) And voila! They discovered they were –of course—opposite sensory types. So they could then communicate, negotiate and compromise on sounds, colors, textures, spaces and their music.

This is a book for people in recovery. We are continuing to learn about ourselves and to learn how to get along with others. In the same way that the Myers Briggs helps us to accept that others are different than us in a nonjudgmental way, “Living Sensationally” helps us accept that others experience the sensory world differently as well. 

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More on relationships in recovery in "Out of the Woods--A Guide to Longterm Recovery" published by Central Recovery Press.

We Keep On Learning About Ourselves

One of the reasons that I hope that I will stay in Twelve-Step recovery forever is that I love that I keep on learning--and yes--learning about myself. True, it can be painful when you have one of those moments (weeks/months) when you realize, "Ugh, how long have I been doing that?" And the "that" is something you have been doing for ages and not thought twice about.

I had one of those Aha! moments on vacation last week. We were on a wonderful trip and we spent long days walking and doing museums and just going and going and of course, I got tired and then I got cranky. Now that could happen if I was vacationing with a friend but in this case I was with my husband and I realized (after several days) that when I got tired and cranky that I was speaking to him in a really mean voice. You know that voice--kinda whiny and blamey and with that "you asshole" undertone? Yeah.

And one night in the hotel room I heard myself. Oh. And I thought, "If I was traveling with a friend--even if I felt awful I might say how tired I was or that I was unwell but I would not use my "You idiot--it's your fault" tone of voice. And I thought, "So stop doing that right now." And then I thought, "This is a gift of longterm recovery--and I want this." I knew I was doing it; I wanted to stop; no excuses and no rationalizations. And I'm grateful for that.

Yes, there's a slice of humble pie to eat. Sure, but it's kind of yummy pie when you realize you can actually change.