One of the reasons that I hope that I will stay in Twelve-Step recovery forever is that I love that I keep on learning--and yes--learning about myself. True, it can be painful when you have one of those moments (weeks/months) when you realize, "Ugh, how long have I been doing that?" And the "that" is something you have been doing for ages and not thought twice about.
I had one of those Aha! moments on vacation last week. We were on a wonderful trip and we spent long days walking and doing museums and just going and going and of course, I got tired and then I got cranky. Now that could happen if I was vacationing with a friend but in this case I was with my husband and I realized (after several days) that when I got tired and cranky that I was speaking to him in a really mean voice. You know that voice--kinda whiny and blamey and with that "you asshole" undertone? Yeah.
And one night in the hotel room I heard myself. Oh. And I thought, "If I was traveling with a friend--even if I felt awful I might say how tired I was or that I was unwell but I would not use my "You idiot--it's your fault" tone of voice. And I thought, "So stop doing that right now." And then I thought, "This is a gift of longterm recovery--and I want this." I knew I was doing it; I wanted to stop; no excuses and no rationalizations. And I'm grateful for that.
Yes, there's a slice of humble pie to eat. Sure, but it's kind of yummy pie when you realize you can actually change.