Thomas Merton: Contradictions and Prayers

On January 31, 2015, we celebrate the centenary of the birth of Thomas Merton, a Trappist monk and prolific spiritual writer. 

Merton’s life was full of paradox and contradiction. He was an extroverted New Yorker who entered the silent world of a Trappist monastery in the back woods of Kentucky. In making this choice, he left behind his ambition to become a writer, only to have his abbot sit him down at a typewriter and tell him to write. 

Deeply attracted to women he gave up female companionship in becoming a monk, only to fall in love and have a powerful love affair with a young woman when he was fifty-one years old. 

Merton sought solitude in a hermitage even as his life and writing turned outward to society’s evils: war, violence, injustice. Profoundly Christian, he discovered toward the end of his life the spiritual riches of Eastern religions.

One of the most famous prayers of Thomas Merton, and one of my favorite prayers is this—from his book: “Thoughts in Solitude.” Merton wrote:

My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that, if I do this, you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadows of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Amen.

Happy, Joyous and Free--Some More

A few months ago I wrote about joy and how it is different than happiness. I said that while happiness cannot, of course, be a constant we can find joy in most of our life.

One of my best lessons on joy came from a former sponsor who said this: “Joy comes from my relationship with God. So I can be Joyous even when I am not happy.”

But this idea of joy intrigues me so I have been reading about it. Yesterday I found more on joy written by Rollo May, psychiatrist and philosopher, who wrote the classic book, “The Courage to Create.”

May wrote is this about creativity and joy:

“When creativity or discovery is underway there can be a sensation that others might describe as anxiety but, the artist, at the moment of creating does not experience gratification or satisfaction (though that may be the case later when he or she has a highball or a pipe in the evening). Rather it is joy, joy defined as the emotion that goes with heightened consciousness, the mood that accompanies the experience of actualizing one’s own potentialities.”

That, I think, is close to what my sponsor meant about finding joy in our spiritual life even when we are not happy. It is close to what the artist is experiencing—that sense of actualizing a potential. Even in pain, even in grief—if we are truly conscious—we are growing and in that we can experience joy.

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“You were not meant for pleasure, you were meant for joy.”

                                    --Thomas Merton

Yearning and the Will of God

Often when we talk about the will of God there is a kind of sigh, a letting out of air, a letting go. Maybe that surrender is in the right place. But sometimes we speak of God’s Will with a resignation and a sense that “Well, I better obey if I know what’s good for me”. Like we’re all going to  the principal’s office for trying to have fun at school.

But what if God does want us to have fun? What if He/She really means for us to be happy—not in some sanctimonious way—but in a real world belly laugh, giggle and stand in awe way.

I can start to allow myself to believe that when I read Thomas Merton. Here is a bit on what he has to say about God’s will and yearning:

Some people view the will of God as an elephant hanging overhead, ready to fall on them. Actually the word which we translate into English as “will” comes from both a Hebrew and a Greek word which means yearning. It is that yearning which lovers have for one another. Not a yearning of the mind alone or of the heart alone but of the whole being. Any yearning which we feel is only a glimmering of the depth of the yearning of God for us.

God yearns for us? Could we really be happy, joyous and free? If that were true how would it change your life?

Thomas Merton after Christmas

The day after Christmas and all through the house—profound gratitude.  Christmas and Hanukah are over. Gifts are opened, exclaimed over, exchanged and worn. Thank you notes to be written. Some I’ll mail but the biggest thank you’s I have this year are for recovery, the 12 steps, all 12-step programs, my dear friends, great therapist, fabulous sponsor, self-help books (always my cognitive life raft) and God. Thank you for recovery, change, self-awareness and the sometimes fast, sometimes slow, willingness to change.

Here is a gift.

 This prayer was written by Thomas Merton as he struggled with many things—including God—in his life

My Lord God,

I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that, if I do this, you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadows of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

A Prayer for Monday

It is Monday and I am filled with fear. Fear about writing and about work. Fear about relationships and love and mostly fear about whether I really know what to do with my life. I kneel to do my morning prayers. I read step seven. And then I open my daily meditation book and here—torn from another book—I have inserted this page with a prayer by Thomas Merton.


Merton’s prayer says this:

My Lord God,


I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that, if I do this, you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadows of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

There is some comfort in knowing that even Thomas Merton didn’t know what he was doing or whether he was doing the right thing. I smile though, noting that he does not say there won’t be perils, just that he won’t face them alone.

Well, that’s Monday too.

Thomas Merton Prayer

Thomas Merton wrote this prayer:

My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that, if I do this, you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadows of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.


What I love about this prayer and perhaps what I cling to is the line: “Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.” It reminds me that we sometimes hear in meetings, “What other people think of me is none of my business.” And maybe it’s also true that God’s will for me is none of my business. Maybe in the greater scheme of things (God’s will) I’m one of the “Don’t” examples. Kind of like in the back of Glamour Magazine where they show the “DO” and “Don’t” examples of what to wear. The “Don’t” examples also help us. Maybe God needs a certain number of “Don’t” people and I’m one of them? But like Merton I’ll keep trying to get it right, but others may be thinking, “What the F….?”