Roots and Wings--Parenting Wisdom in Recovery

As a woman in long recovery I have a “before and after” story of how parenting relates to my recovery. I was a step parent before I found twelve-step programs—thank goodness for Steps 6 to 9--and I was a step-parent again after years of recovery—and therapy. And so, I got to see how working a program of recovery affects everyone in a family.

Parenting is hard--no-matter-what--but the difference was startling. 

In Dan Mager’s new book, “Roots and Wings—Mindful Parenting in Recovery” I see so much that I wish I knew back then. I’m also so moved that we are now including this work to recognize that being a recovering parent is also part of “In all our affairs.”

Dan’s book is a gem. It’s designed for parents in recovery, but it’s applicable to all of us. It’s helpful as we are learning about mindfulness, and it’s helpful to doing the “inner-child” work that comes with Alanon, ACOA or CODA recovery. 

I’ve also found that looking through the lens of Mager’s “Roots and Wings” that it can help us who are looking back to make peace with our past behaviors. And reading this book may be a very useful part of making an amend to parents. 

Mager is a social worker and psychotherapist, and he’s worked in a wide array of behavioral health and addiction treatment settings. He also has a helpful column at Psychology Today magazine—where he provides practical and very accessible ideas and tools for everyone trying to grow and change.

“Roots and Wings” is an excellent combination of theory and practical advice. Mager frames parenting as a form of service and shows us how that is a natural fit as we learn recovery as service as well. For many of us –especially in earlier recovery—we are learning to be parented (or re-parent ourselves) at the same time we are being parents to our children. Not an easy task but Mager’s wisdom and practical steps and stories are a hand’s-on guide to carry that out.

Raising My Rainbow

As recovery progresses we face all kinds of challenges. Too often we think they happen to us because we are addicts or that life happens to us in a certain way because we are in recovery. But the longer I am recovering the more I see that it’s not “us and them” and I don’t subscribe to the “earth people versus recovering people” dichotomy.

Everything humans face we have to face—love, success, loss, grief, betrayal, kids, no kids, family issues, work issues, money issues etc. What is true is that we were low on coping skills before recovery and so we used a substance or a behavior as a “coper” and then after that created a problem for us we were blessed to find recovery and learn new coping skills. Ideally we learned new ways to think and behave so that we didn’t need to cope with as many self-created problems. But we still have plenty of problems and challenges because that’s just life for everyone.

And raising children is one of those huge learning arenas.

So along the lines of “look what life delivered to me” I am delighting in and recommending the new book, “Raising My Rainbow” by Lori Duron.  You may have seen Lori and her husband Matt interviewed on morning TV or read about them in parenting magazines. Lori’s blog, also called “Raising My Rainbow” is one of the top Mommy Blogs and one of BlogHer’s must read blogs.

The book and the blog are about raising Lori and Matt’s two boys—Chase and CJ. One son is “gender-conforming” –a “boy’s boy” (Blue-wearing, truck-playing, sports-loving masculine.) Lori’s other son has been described as : gender-creative, gender-nonconforming, having gender dysphoria or gender identity disorder. (Loves pink, Barbies, Disney princesses, girl’s clothes and dance is his preferred sport.)

Yes, I was so curious. How do you make choices in this situation? Clothes friends, school, teachers, other kids, peer pressure medical professionals etc. And Lori shares all of that…some heart breaking, some incredibly funny and always inspiring. But what recommends this book the most is how Lori and her husband Matt choose to parent their sons—with and without differences.

This may be one of the best parenting books ever. And there is no “la-la—everything is gonna be all right” in this book” so watching Lori and Matt wrestle with raising kids can guide all of us.

Because the book is written by Lori I did have the lingering, “Is her husband OK with this?” question which sent me to Lori’s blog where the day-to-day story is told. And there I found this article by Matt offering his perspective on raising their gender-creative son.

Take a look at Matt’s article in the Atlantic—here is the link:

 http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/09/my-son-wears-dresses-get-over-it/279333/

Still Carrying On

So, in yesterday's post I was recommending the new book of hilarious wisdom and perspective called "Carry On, Warrior",  by the wickedly recovering, Glennon Doyle Melton. If you have not yet ordered your copy from the library or bookstore try this:

Go to your local book store and pick up, "CarryOn, Warrior"...go to the back of the store and lean against the wall and read the very short--four page--chapter called, "On Profanity"--page 201. It's a quick read and you'll see why I am just so enamored with this book and writer. Then take that copy to the front of the store and buy it.

Glennon writes a lot about being a mom and about extremely imperfect parenting so this is also a  perfect Mother's Day gift.

Here's a link to her blog and more info on the book:

http://momastery.com/carry-on-warrior/