Blame and Control

Ok –big insight today. This is what I love about meetings. This morning the topic was old resentments—old family stuff and “I’m still mad at my sister because when we were 13…” that kind of thing. Some were real tragedies that no one could control—just bad stuff that happens to people. But we want to blame. Blame someone.

And it hit me: Blame is a form of control. Misguided, yes. Illogical, yes. But in its way it’s a safety valve and a form of control. If I can blame someone then it means there was a way for the thing that happened to not have happened. It would never have happened unless so-and-so did thus-and-such.

When I blame I am trying to control. I’m trying to control something that happened 20 years ago, three months ago, two days ago or next week! It’s an attempt to control (and still control) the uncontrollable.

Praise and Blame are All the Same

Another lesson I come back to again and again: Praise and Blame are all the same. They are both about other people’s opinions of you. The tricky part of this is giving up both sides of the equation. When someone criticizes us we can easily say, “Don’t give that any merit or energy, it’s their opinion.” But in order for that to be true and in order to change how much we depend on the opinion of others we must also give up attaching any merit or energy to their praise or good opinion also.

To be free of feeling rocked by criticism we must also let go of being inflated or soothed by other people’s praise.

Praise and Blame are All the Same

Praise and blame are all the same. It’s easy to remember that I don’t need to care about other people’s opinion of me when I am criticized but I need to remember this when I am praised or flattered. Praise and blame are two sides of the same coin. Being impressed by flattery is the same as being hurt by criticism. Fear of criticism is directly linked to desire for praise. I have to let go of desire for approval and recognition in order to let go of fear of criticism and disapproval. In both cases I use someone else’s opinion to knock me off my center