Yesterday I had the opportunity –yes, another growth
opportunity--to practice the idea of going toward what troubles you. This is a
lesson I seem to learn, forget, learn again and forget again over and over in
my recovery: When someone scares you go toward them. Lean into the
uncomfortable experience.
I’ve used this lesson in the workplace many times. The
coworker that I “hate”, the boss that scares me, the volunteer I wish would
disappear. At first I try to avoid them, hide, and limit exposure to these
folks— all the while building a case in my head and sharing my brilliance with
anyone who will listen to my certain rightness.
But if the feelings persist I finally remember that my work
is not to stand back from these people but rather to lean into them and go
toward what troubles me.
Last night I almost skipped an event because I didn’t want
to be around a woman who bugs me—her demeanor stirs my blood in unattractive
ways. But luckily a recovery friend said, “No I think you should go to the
party and go right up to her and see what happens.”
And I did. Not happily. Not comfortably. But with some
prayers and with the mantra, “Go toward her”. And in the course of the evening
I saw a fuller picture and got a deeper sense of the issues underneath. (Mine
certainly and maybe even hers.)
No, she is not my new friend. And no, I don’t suddenly like
her. But today I am not obsessing about or worrying over this woman. That in
itself is a relief.
Relief and peace, because I leaned in, and I went toward what
scared me.
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