Thursday, April 12, 2012

Taking My Own Advice

Here is the hard part: Taking my own advice. Last night I spoke at a women's wellness event and with sincerity I spoke about stopping the mental to-do list, and the self-shaming, and the craziness of trying to balance your life.

And this morning I wake up obsessed with the many things that are undone, that "should" be different, the people who are not happy or who might be happier if I only did....(fill in the blank). I open the morning paper and I read the obituaries--(I have read them all of my life--they are the best mini memoirs), and I see people close to my age. I think again, "Whose life is this?" and "What do I really want?"

But it's hard to take my own advice. It's hard to let go. It's hard to detach. And it's hard to live with other people unhappy with me. But it's much harder to live unhappy with myself.

This is why, after many years of recovery, I still need three meetings a week, a sponsor, the "other" program, and women who really do live the way that I am trying to. I need lots of examples and reminders. And on days like this I need hourly contact with a Higher Power to whom I can surrender my life.

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